Over the past few months I’ve often thought about writing but I simply don’t do it. I don’t have the motivation I once had to write. I have thought about the reasons I had more motivation in the past. What inspired me to write. It was often more to feel a connection with others, or more to make me feel as if I was connecting to others. If someone liked what I wrote it made me feel as if I connected to them in some way and made me feel good. Maybe it was like what they say most people seek from social media, a boost of pleasure chemicals within the brain.
I simply have no desire for such things anymore. I don’t necessarily care if I connect with others or not. I don’t feel that I need to express myself for the same reasons I once had. I simply go about living life. Living life through the Lord our God which is a very different life than I once lived. At times I feel the light from within me and other times it seems more like darkness. Yet both seem to work together.
It wasn’t until recently that I felt a desire to write. Mostly caused by recent events and experiences. One was that of following the “sufferings” of another person who expresses these things in her blog. I found it so interesting how, through her expressions of her suffering, she also expressed so much light. Very bright light. It caused me to think of how I’m both light and darkness and often it is through the darkness that I experience my own light. Or the light of the Lord.
I have to say that my relationship with God is very different from what I once had many years ago. I had left my previous relationship with God simply because it didn’t work for me. It was based on what I had been taught from others and not what came from within me. Now my relationship with God is solely based on what comes from within me and through this I can sometimes find the same experience through that of others.
I can see that we live within a realm of perspectives. Two main perspectives that surround us are that of the realm of the world and the kingdom of heaven. I can now look back at an experience I had about a year ago where I felt as if I was living two perspectives as once and through this I felt great confusion and even a sense of dizziness and nausea from it. It was a time when I had to make a decision. Was I going to choose the world, a place of great suffering for me throughout my life as I was never accepted by the world, or to choose the kingdom of heaven, though I didn’t know at the time that this was the other choice.
At the time, I simply chose God. From this God has guided me. My perspective cleared into one perspective. One thing I noticed that was different from my previous life was that I didn’t constantly analyze this perspective. I found that all I can do in this perspective is trust God. This isn’t always easy yet I’ve found that this doesn’t stop the Lord from providing for me. From caring for me. Over time I realized that it had nothing to do with my worthiness but instead I was worthy through the Lord. I alone could never be worthy and was never expected to be worthy. Jesus said that he expects little from those who don’t follow him and much from those who do. At the same time, when we follow Jesus he relieves our burdens.
But really what is it that Jesus expects of us, or of me? All I do is give Him my heart. I continue to fall short everyday but, because I know that alone I can’t be worthy, even when I fall short I don’t pull my heart away from Him as I would do in the past, believing that I had to first be worthy in order to receive His love.
The interesting thing is that I have literally found that it is the opposite of what I once believed. It is through my darkness that He brings me His light. Not through corruption but through my darkness. It’s like we, or I, am the darkness to the light of God. The light of God couldn’t be experienced if it weren’t for the darkness. Humanity, in its fallen state, is the dark background from which God’s light can be seen and experienced. Maybe not all but those who God has called to experience His light. And through experiencing His light they can then choose which perspective is the one they desire to experience. Whether they want to experience the finite life of the world or the infinite life through God.
In many ways, humanity is caught in a place between the two. This is why they often experience so much pain and suffering as this conflict plays out within them. A conflict that is also playing out in the physical world around them. In a sense, humans can become matter or energy, even in their current state. Matter is the world, energy is the spirit. They perceive life as it is because this is a fallen world, an evil realm. A realm, or perspective that has been formed over the top of the perspective of the kingdom of heaven. This is why a person, in a state of change or calling, might experience both perspectives at the same time, especially if they are moving from one to another. Yet they occupy the same, “space.” One is a physical space where there is dimension and time and the other is a space of energy which isn’t matter or form, nor does it have time but a pure experience of light which cannot be contained by dimension while, at the same time, encompasses all dimension.
This is a place where philosophers and physicists often play, trying to define and describe what they can even perceives or understand, trying to understand it all based on physical knowledge, completely unaware that there is an even greater knowledge, language and life that can’t be described through terms formed in their fallen state. But they go on, occupying many hours, feeling as if they are more intelligent through feeling they have defined minute aspects of this great and infinite perspective, growing their egos only to have they destroyed by one simple motion within the perspective that changes all that they thought they saw within the grain of sand that seemed so grand to them once before.
This is the true insignificance of humans. They are nothing. Nothing but animals with conscious awareness. Animals that are born, grow and then die like all other beings within the physical realm. Many seem satisfied with this. Many are attracted to the darkness, to their fallen state. They find purpose and meaning within their fallen state. They have no desire to be raised above their fallen state. They remain the dark background from which the light of God shines. From where God reveals His light to those He has called so that they can come to experience and even become the very light of God and, through this, come to reside in the kingdom of heaven rather than in the world. A kingdom that can’t be seen unless one is reborn in the Lord. Reborn of water and spirit and thus becoming energy within matter rather than matter as a result of energy or simply a shadow cast by the light.
As I’ve said, I really have no desire to promote myself through my writing. Maybe in a way I am simply writing to the person I’ve followed through her self proclaimed “suffering” yet, through her “suffering” expressing such beautiful light. A light coming through the darkness rather than upon the darkness where it is merely shadow. On the other hand, as I’ve come to see in my life, when it is time to do something that is God’s will and His desire for me to do so.
Life is a struggle and a conflict which is seemingly confusing at times. It can become overwhelming and even overly complex and confusing if one strives to do it alone. Many times they can find safety and security through the tools of this world. Through wealth and knowledge, seeking to control their lives by their own will. Even if this gives them a comfortable life with little suffering, this will be their reward. A reward that, once the physical body perishes, so too does their reward.
If a person seems in conflict with the world, to the point that it seems like “suffering” then I can easily observe that there is a light within that person. A Divine. A Divine that comes from being called and through being called can now work toward being chosen, or becoming light that, when the physical is shed away, there they will remain, resurrected above their once fallen state as the light, energy or spirit from which brings forth all matter through perspective or thought. Matter that can’t exist without the light, energy or spirit but the light or spirit can exist without matter and is thus eternal.