Out of the Darkness

It’s a somewhat warm day today following a very springlike day yesterday which will lead into another storm coming in along with cooler temperatures. It’s the time of year where I simply enjoy the warmth when it comes and accept when it goes away for a period of time. I’m divided on the coming of the warm weather as it means it will soon become terribly hot and this is something I’m not looking forward to experiencing. Yet just a week ago the mornings were very cold, around 10 degrees F. and I have become impatient with these cold temperatures also. Life is definitely not like it used to be, when Spring was Spring and actually lasted a few months. Now, when the warm temperatures come in the heat will quickly follow.

I’ve been away from writing for a few months. I’ve decided to call it a lost period. A time of deep inner and outer contemplation. I spent a couple of months in intense therapy which allowed me to enter into the deep darkness of my past which basically orchestrated the rest of my life. A past that I often refused to reexamine simply because I didn’t understand it. I was also told by my mother to forget it.

Now that I’m aware of having Asperger’s or being on the Autistic spectrum, or whatever you want to call it, then looking back at my childhood it makes more sense as to how I was treated. I grew up in a time when there wasn’t much information or light on these things. Over the past few months, along with reexamining my past, I’ve also done a lot of research into Asperger’s, listening to the experiences of others who too experience life in this way.

My therapist wasn’t all that good. She basically just gave me a YouTube videos to watch and suggested books for me to read. She did bring to light that I had become severely codependent. I would have never thought myself to be codependent as it is usually something people experience with people they are close to in their lives. As she listened to me she pointed out that because I didn’t have others in my life I took the world on my shoulders. My so called self esteem was so low that I would serve and people please all those I came upon in life. Maybe so they might accept me. They never did though. Because of who I am, I’ve always been an outsider and pretty much always will be. This is one of the things I had to come to accept.

Well, being me, once she pointed this out I put a halt to everything. I stopped people pleasing. I found that it was like an addiction. I was actually using it like a drug. It seems that by pleasing people it actually cause me to experiencing dopamine rushes. When I stopped I went into a state equal to that of withdrawal. It also took away from me any sense of purpose. All of this while I was delving deep into my past and experiencing things that I had deeply repressed.

It was interesting that it wasn’t my therapist who was able to get me deep into my past. Once she pointed it out to me it was like things came to me naturally. I found myself craving movies from when I was a child. I realized that I hadn’t seen the movies since I was a child. I also thought about things I have said and written about the past. Things like, “I don’t feel any desire for nostalgia like others.” I could see that this was because I was told to forget those things and, being who I am, I did. I didn’t forget them but I repressed them and because of this I never dealt with them, thus they became a force that basically defined my life. Or made my life even more difficult.

One thing I’ve seen in others with Asperger’s is that they have very strong memory’s, just as I do. They also seem to constantly reassess the past. For me, there was a point to my reassessment that I wouldn’t enter and this is what I found myself entering once I started watching the movies from my childhood which then caused me to be able to see myself as a child again. Seeing my lonely and painful existence at that time, severely neglected by my family while also constantly being told that something was wrong with me and that I had to correct whatever it was that was wrong with me else I wouldn’t survive this life. Well, it’s easy to see how this become the foundation of my lack of so called self esteem.

Without going into all the details, in general I found that the inner pain and constant feeling of anxiety I have felt all my life originated in my childhood. I found that I had suffered extreme childhood trauma. My having Asperger’s but not knowing it, unable to discern a foundation or center for my existence in this society as others constantly told me that I was flawed and would certainly die if I didn’t fix whatever was wrong with me. All while living in another world of perception that comes with Asperger’s.

Even today I’ve learned that most people in the US, possibly in most countries, don’t like to take the time to understand other people. Either you click or you don’t with others. If you don’t click most people don’t put any time into those they don’t click with. Even if I describe my Asperger’s to others, even today, they simply seem to see me as being flawed and that is my problem. Much like what my family did to me. They don’t want to get to know something that they can’t seem to understand. Yet, for me, I’ve spent my entire life trying to understand them. This too is something that comes with Asperger’s. An intense focus into things that are important to those with Asperger’s while pretty much disregarding everything else in life.

I also found it interesting to learn that people with Asperger’s never truly seem to grow up completely. They are somewhat childlike in many ways. Vulnerable to the seemingly aggressive world around them that they can’t understand. I also found interesting what one person with Asperger’s said about his experience. That having Asperger’s is like having a different system of logic that is different from those who are neurotypical. All of my life I’ve observed those around me and found how they interact and live as being basically irrational while to them it is all logical.

One example of this is the fact that neurotypical people seem to see the constant need to consume things that they don’t need as being rational. To feed this constant and “irrational” need to consume it requires their country to control and even conquer other countries for the resources need to feed their constant desire to consume things they don’t need. At the same time, infinite consumption in a finite world leads to destruction of the very world they live upon. All of which, if pointed out to them, causes them to look at me as if I’m some sort of freak who is pointing out their flaws and telling them that they need to change in order to survive which, in their grand arrogance, they won’t accept because they believe that if the majority of others are doing it then it’s okay. It’s also based on the propaganda that they have been taught throughout their lives which tells then that defines what is right and wrong or good and evil in the world. All of which they adhere to simply because everyone else is doing it.

This is where having Asperger’s in a benefit, though often a lonely benefit. Being that a person with Asperger’s can’t necessarily change who they are as it is not only mental but biological, they often come to accept that they are outsiders and can, well, come to think for themselves outside of what is seemingly acceptable to the mainstream. This is also what becomes the basis of why they aren’t accepted by those in the mainstream. In my case, the fact that I have spent my life trying to understand them while viewing them through a different sense of logic, well, it means they seem to know that I’m observing them and they don’t like this much, especially that I’m observing their very irrational behavior that they deem to be logical.

Okay, so that leads me to current events and possibly another reason why I went into this sort of lost period over the past few months. I all goes back to the great journey that I experienced. One that often left me stunned and in awe. I, seeing myself as just a lowly being, at the time, even lower than other human beings, yet being given such great insights into life and even visions that allowed me to see the results of the Covid virus before it came into existence and also the things that are happening now, well, when I came back to being just a lowly being without these added things, it caused me to feel a bit lost.

I guess I had to put it all together and interestingly it was the current events of the day that seemed to bring me out of it. I had gone into my past and, for the most part, resolved it. Let it go. Now I’m “obsessively” observing current events and how neurotypical people seem to be experiencing it. Basically I see this too as irrational, maybe because of all that I experienced on my great journey as well as the fact that I live in a different realm of logic than do those who are neurotypical.

Well, maybe in future hours or days I will go into my insights into what is happening now but I should stop here for today. Being the state of things, all the division and paranoia going on the world right now as East meets West, and all the corruption and propaganda that the people of the West have declared as being logical is being threatened, my insights will probably only isolate me even more, if that is possible. But I am an expression of the universe and it is my duty to be this expression. They interesting thing I have noticed as I have “obsessively” observed all that is going on from all sides is that I’m not alone in my views. Only the West wants me to feel that I’m alone in my views. I will leave it at that for now.