Something New

Today the sun is out though it is a bit cooler than yesterday. Yesterday was very windy as a storm was coming through but it only rained for a little while last night and it passed. A whole lot of wind for a very little storm that arrived.

Today I’ve decided to take up crochet. There are several reasons for taking up this hobby that I think are positive for me. The idea came to me while watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince when Professor Dumbledor and Harry are trying to convince Professor Slughorn to come back to Hogwarts. When Dumbledore returns from the loo with a magazine with knitting patterns, asking Slughorn if he can have it because he enjoyed knitting patterns. I think this is one of the main reasons why Dumbledore is my favorite characters in the series, because he is a perfect blend of the masculine and feminine.

After some research I found that crochet may be a little easier to learn and a little less cost. For $10 I bought two ball of yarn and three hooks of different sizes. Basically it’s all I need, other than a needle to finish off the project but I’m not there yet. I already have scissors.

Of course, it isn’t as easy as it seems. They make it look easy but I’m a little clumsy with my hands so it will take some practice. My main problem right now is too much tension that closes the loop too tight to get the hook back through it. I will work it out with practice. I found a wonderful tutorial site on YouTube which is another reason I am choosing crochet.

Crochet and knitting are very feminine hobbies. It gives me a chance to enjoy learning from women. My favorite sports are women’s tennis and ice skating (try talking sports with men when those are your favorite sports) and crochet gives me the chance to enjoy a very feminine hobby, sort of enjoying the company of women through the tutorials. Once I get going a bit more it’s also a good thing to be able to converse with some women.

Still, I have to be patient right now until I get the hang of it and the flow. When they get going it looks so fun, but I’m still struggling with my own clumsy fingers holding the yarn. But I found a comfortable way to hold the yarn I just need to control the other fingers holding the chain so it doesn’t get too tight. I almost made it through the first chain until it all became too tight. What’s nice is that with a gentle pull they all come out and I can start again.

Today is the second day of doing guided meditation. The meditation my therapist gave me is about finding a guide. Sort of a spirit guide but really it’s the guide within. In a way, it’s a way of communicating with one’s heart, which is something I do everyday.

I read some stories of others who have done this meditation and some are really far out, meeting the god Apollo and such. I didn’t know what to expect going in the first time. Well, the first time no one showed up but my heart started talking to me.

The second time I was surprised that Jesus showed up. At first, even in the meditation, I was skeptical when I asked who he was and he said “Jesus.” But I decided to ask him some questions about things I’m struggling with and he gave me some good answers. Mostly answers that I’ve heard before but he put them into a different context pertaining to me. In truth, I enjoyed the visit from Jesus more than the first one with my heart, which seemed quick. I was still doing the same guided meditation the second time but it seemed I had much more time with Jesus which was nice.

I can say that it’s opened up many things, even entering some of the darker more painful aspects of my life, which is good. I need to bring them out and face them. On the other hand, I thought this to be a good time to do something positive like learn crochet.

The main thing that seemed to appear today was something that I’ve always felt in life. I’ve never felt safe in this life, which I think is the foundation of the anxiety I’ve felt throughout my life. Last night I felt this feeling, so I traced it to see if I could find the origin. What I found was that it’s not so much about not feeling safe but the fact that I always feel that I’m doing something wrong, even when I’m doing nothing at all. Just my existence seems wrong.

I found that this relates all the way back to my youth where my mother and brother wouldn’t accept any of the things I enjoyed in life. My dreams and aspirations were mocked and I was told they were wrong. Mostly it was because I wanted to be a writer, which both of them felt was a waste of time. In their eyes I was to become a successful businessman with money and status. This is all they seemed to think about. All they pressured me to do, even to the day where my mother laid on her deathbed and said to me in a whisper in my ear, “Please be my success.”

I was always a failure to all of them. Even when I went out to dinner with my nephew I heard nothing but the same I heard all of my life from my mother and brother. It reminded me of why I left my family and didn’t want anything to do with them. But what they did leave me with was a constant feeling that I was doing something wrong.

I was wrong to have a feminine heart. My mother threatened to lock me up in a psychiatric hospital when she found out I had a feminine heart and had some strange desire to put on feminine clothes to feel more comfortable. I think this was one of the most potent of them all that caused me to live such a life of shame and fear. Having a fear of myself. Of who I truly am.

Of course I now enjoy expressing this in my life, even though I do it in private. I have no need to prove anything to the world by dressing feminine out in the world. I have better things to think about. But I also learned that I don’t like having to hold secrets about myself. This too causes me to feel that I’ve done something wrong, making me feel like I have to hide myself in some way.

These are things I presented to Jesus and things he addressed. Mostly he told me that everyone though he was weird too because, like me, he lived life through his heart. He wasn’t of this world. This doesn’t mean he wasn’t of the Earth but “world” means the society or perspective reality that humans live even today, that is based solely on their physical existence. Jesus told me that it is what he meant by being from a kingdom that is not of this world. This kingdom being his heart. Humans, when in balance, would live through their hearts, not through their physical eyes.

Well, I guess that’s about it for today. I put down the crochet for now. From past experiences in learning something new, if it doesn’t come easily the first time I just lay it down for a day or so then come back to it and, for some reason, what was troubling me the first time is figured out in some way. So I will try again later or tomorrow. I still think it will be a good hobby where I can create some nice things, such as maybe a nice scarf or even make a blanket one day.

I bought some pretty yarn. One is called Petunia, which is sort of a lavender. The other is called “Orchid.” All I know is that they are very pretty and will make some pretty things. The first thing will probably be as simple, square coaster, unless I just keep going then who knows. Maybe it will become a scarf. Right now I just want to get it down so I can enjoy it like those I watch on YouTube who make it look so easy and fun.