A Little Selfishness

It’s been very warm for Winter the last few days. The warmth along with the rain has melted most of the snow on the ground. I certainly don’t mind. It makes getting around on my bike a bit easier.

Well, what have I learned this week?

I had my first session with my therapist and it was amazing. She is amazing. I have to say, I was really skeptical of doing therapy online but it is actually much better than in person. I have a message room where I can send messages to my therapist anytime and we meet through video once a week.

For me, the messaging is great because I can write better than I can talk and it gives me the chance to go over things I come upon in the moment. She doesn’t immediately reply, which isn’t expected, but I’m able to give her so much more to examine through writing it out.

One of the main things asked about is my boundaries with other people. She asked if I’m able to say “No.” to people, such as at work. It is something I struggle with for some reason. As I looked even more at this I could see that my concerns in life are very much based on my concerns for others. Like I’m taking some sense of responsibility for the world on my shoulders.

So, the new thing for me is to care about myself. To become more selfish. Not so selfish where I’m not courteous of others or willing to help out at times. But my focus has to be solely on myself when it comes to my life.

She pointed out things I said such as how, if I were to become more optimistic within myself how it would affect the world around me in a positive way. Yes, it’s a good thought but it shouldn’t be my focus. I shouldn’t even be concerned about how it affects the world around me. I should only be focused on how it affects me. If it affects the world around me then it’s simply a side effect of what is happening within me.

Basically, I can feel myself pulling in my energy that was actually being very broadly broadcast to so many various things around me, and thus taking that energy from me.

I said that it is like love. I spend my energy in places where it’s never returned, thus it’s like my energy is simply being expended into a sort of nothingness. Just going out into space and not returning to me.

Energy spent should return energy, which is how love works. Love is giving and receiving. For me, because I’m just carelessly giving away my energy, I am left lacking. As I see it, how the energy is spent should be left up to the universe, not me. How it might affect others is also up to the universe. The universe can spend the energy as she sees fit.

In some ways, it is about control. For some strange reason I might feel that if I just give away my energy carelessly then it might somehow reward me in some way. That somehow it might make the world a better place. Even though my heart has told me over and over again that there is nothing I can do to change the course of humanity.

So, in truth, this therapist is helping to reveal things my heart has been teaching me all along. I simply couldn’t see it.

She also introduced me to guided meditations. I’ve toyed with them but I’ve never really put much effort into them. She gave me one to try and I’m going to give it a good effort. When I talked with her about how, when I write a story or really any writing, I lose myself in the writing. I lose track of time and space. I am completely immersed in what I’m writing.

She said this is actually a meditative state. It’s known as a “Flow State.” I read about the flow state and it made perfect sense to me. I found that I can easily put myself into a flow state and I do it all the time. In a way, it is sort of an escape for me, or at least it’s how I seem to use it, even though I didn’t know I was using it in the first place.

I could see that at work I would always seek to get myself into a flow state. A state where I would lose all track of time and be completely focused on what I’m doing. The problem is that to maintain a flow state one has to not have external or internal distractions. At work I can’t control the distractions so I’m constantly being pulled out of the flow state. One site described the flow state as being in a happy state. I agree with this because I feel very happy and pleasant within a flow state. Yet, when I’m distracted, such as by a coworker, it pulls me out and actually irritates me. Over time these irritations compound.

Being in a flow state is actually a very energetic state. But being constantly pulled out of the state and having to go back in can cause me to become exhausted. I can now see that the control I was seeking at work was an attempted to control the environment so I could maintain the flow state.

After months of doing this, especially through the holidays, I became severely exhausted. This too began to make me more irritable because it is said that when I’m tired it makes it even more difficult to get into a flow state. So basically I was struggling against myself until, well, I broke.

As I examined the breakdown I had I could see that the breakdown itself is a sort of flow state. I would call it more of an anti-flow state. It’s like it’s an inverted flow state. I lose all track of time and space but everything is negative and painful, rather than positive and happy.

Combine all of this with being very sensitive along with a vivid imagination and a mind that is able to process much information and, well, it is the making of perfect bomb inside of myself that then explodes and thus feels like something is being destroyed within me. And I think this is a true and literal statement because this last attack seemed to be a great destruction that then led to a powerful rebirth within me. From the ashes comes the Phoenix.

Through it my heart became aroused. Ready to express herself in full. Her expression should be my only focus. Therefore, giving her the energy she needs is very important. Distractions and other things that are so prevalent in this life should be, well, blocked away in a sense. The shield against this is really to withdraw my energy from being carelessly expended or wasted on the world around me who might accept it but rarely returns it.

Sadly it’s just the way the world is today, so many people seem to be just grabbing at everything for themselves and not so willing to return the same. This puts things out of balance. It’s like if there are many universes and two of these universes come into contact. Say one pulls a house from another universe. In order to maintain balance a house of the same mass would then need to be returned from the universe who took the house placing it back to the universe from where it was taken in order to maintain balance. If this doesn’t happen then, well, it would be rather destructive to both universes.

So each one of us could be viewed as a universe. When one person gives or takes something to another person, something needs to be returned of the same mass. In this case, it is energy. If energy is given to another person then that person should return an equal amount of energy back to the person who gave the energy. This is difficult in a time when there is such great division.

Energy is still being exchanged but ironically, it is often negative energy. In a way, the world around me is in a similar state of being to that of those times when I have an attack within me. Negative energy is being exchanged in large quantities. One person attacks another person who then attacks the same or other people with the same amount of negative energy. In a way, the world around me is under attack by their own selves, just as when I have an attack I am under attack by my own self as I seek to find balance within me using only negative energy, which doesn’t necessarily work all that well. Well, it works by causing destruction, not creation.

So this seems to be why humans are on a path to self destruction. They are simply in a negative flow state, exchanging negative energy which doesn’t energize or inspire creation but simply is the energy of exhaustion and destruction.

So, for me, it’s about consciously being aware of how my energy is being spent. When I expend all my energy at work trying to please all people the same energy isn’t being return. In fact, at times the energy is simply exchanged for the same negative energy that is basically being exchanged throughout humanity right now. Since humanity seems to be in destruction part of the cycle, it’s the primary energy that surrounds them. If positive energy is carelessly placed within a world where negative energy is the primary energy, yes, it might affect some things but it doesn’t really change anything.

One could see it as how someone might talk about how they feel good and positive one day and then the next they are negative and in pain. They might have experienced a positive energy flow but since the primary energy around them is negative, it is easier to go back into the negative energy that so freely moves about them rather than taking the effort to bring about more positive energy.

In a world where one’s status in the society with the focus being on how others view them, it is easy for them to fall into the common energy that is around them, simply to feel some sense of belonging, even if that belonging is within negative energy.

All of this is still something I’m working with.

So today I had to use my power to say “No.” to something. Last night my nephew called me. He rarely calls me. He said had tickets for him and his kids to go to the monster truck rally. He got another ticket for a friend of his daughter but she canceled and they have an extra ticket. The funny thing is that he received an email yesterday from the stadium talking about covid protocol. My nephew is anti vaccine.

The email stated that they either have to be fully vaccinated, including a booster, or have a test within the last 24 hours. So he called me while in line to get tested. The only reason he called me was because he knew I was fully vaccinated. He even said this. All of his friends are not vaccinated and he said most of them wouldn’t be willing to go in for a test.

Well, last night I said “Yes.” to going. Later I thought about how I really don’t care about monster trucks and really it would be far to loud for me there. So this morning I declined the invitation. I said, “No.” I was thinking about how, if I were to go, I probably wouldn’t sleep well afterward nor feel very good. As I wrote in a previous post, I don’t really enjoy the energy I experience in his company in general. So, by going I would be sacrificing my own peace and expending energy into something that wouldn’t provide me with an equal energy leaving me again lacking.

It’s all so interesting. I can truly see I’m in a huge transition in my life and the universe is placing everything I need for this transition into my life. I need only accept what she is giving to me. Through accepting her beautiful gift, I can then return to her the same energy through, well, being a bit more selfish and allowing the universe to expend the energy she gives to me rather than carelessly throwing it about with little returning.

If I took a million dollars and threw it carelessly into the air, how much of it would return to me? Probably nothing and thus I wouldn’t have enough for myself, leaving me lacking, even though my intentions might have been good.