From the Heart

Today it is raining which is melting some of the snow. I’m sure it won’t last through the night before turning back to snow to replace what has melted. But tomorrow it is expected to rain some more. I guess we will see how it all turns out in the end, either just wet or with more snow.

Women’s tennis has returned as they prepare for the Australian Open. I was a rather long break over the holidays. It’s nice to have them back.

As I stated in yesterday’s post, I woke up that morning feeling very good. Well, the day didn’t end that way.

I still have to keep going back to the fact, as I pointed out in “Messages From Beyond,” that I’m definitely in a transition period. Things are definitely changing. It’s much like my heart gave me a break during the holidays and right at the beginning of the New Year, she started everything up again.

Why did my day end up not as good? Well, it was interesting today that a woman liked some of my blog posts and when I went to her blog while at lunch, I saw many things I enjoyed there but there was one quote that said it all, “If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”

It didn’t take a week for me. Just one night out to dinner with my nephew.

The interesting thing is that he and I had been getting along pretty well. Not close or anything special but there wasn’t any problems per say since I started working to connect back up with my family. He is the only one of my family who has taken me up on any invitations to get together. The rest don’t seem to want to get back together with me, which is fine, especially after last night.

As I said, I was feeling very good yesterday and the evening before he text me to see if I wanted to go out to dinner that night. Well, I was just getting into bed because I get up very early, so I asked if we could do it the next night and he agreed.

We went to a restaurant of his choosing. I really didn’t care where all that much. He picked me up about the time I usually go to bed but I was expecting and, well, felt I could be a little tired today. My mission is to try to be more social and get back together with my family as much as I can.

We were somewhat quiet at first so I started talking, telling him about the things that have been happening. Being very open about it. He seemed to absorb what I was saying. I remembered something that he complains about when speaking with my brother who he says talks only about himself and never lets anyone else talk.

So, once I had shared what I had I went silent to await what he might have to say. I told him about something that happened to me a couple of mornings ago that I was going to share here yesterday but it simply didn’t appear in that post.

A couple of mornings ago I was talking with my heart about the idea of me writing a book. For me it was about the ethical issue about making money from my heart or, as my heart puts it, “I cannot profit from my heart.”

Well, my heart pointed out a few things. Mainly she pointed out that, when I’m at work, I work through my heart. When I help a customer I help them from my heart. When I say something kind to someone there I mean it because it comes from my heart. These are some of the things I explained to my nephew while telling him about it.

My heart pointed out that at work my heart is providing for me, I’m not profiting from her. She said it would be the same if I were to write. Whatever money I might make would be seen as my heart providing for me. If the money were to get beyond just that of providing, then we would consider that at the time, possibly just giving it away or something.

Well, I could see this was disturbing my nephew and I could see him transforming, well, into my brother. I haven’t seen my brother in decades. He made my life a living hell when I was growing up. Mostly by doing exactly what my nephew began doing last night. I’ve told my nephew in the past that he reminds me of my brother. This gets him very upset saying in a very demanding tone, “I am nothing like him.”

Yet, here he was, again reminding me of him.

So, after I spoke I let him speak. He began talking about money in the same way my brother would speak about money. He wants it and he wants lots of it. He couldn’t understand how, throughout my life, I would just give away my writing. My short stories I would print out, put in a binder and give them away to people I might meet or work with.

He then told me about a motivational speaker he listened to a while ago. (My brother would listen to motivational speakers all the time but now, in his 70s, he probably has less money that I do. He never became rich but spent his entire life dreaming of being rich.)

This motivational speaker asked a question, which my nephew asked me. He asked, “If you had the choice, which one would you take, $20 million dollars that you earned or $100 million that was given to you?”

I said, “I would take the $20 million.” My nephew said, “Then you are brainwashed into believing that earning money is better than money that is given to you.”

Well, the thing that he was missing is that I made the decision for a different reason. $20 million is already more than I need but if these are the choices I would choose the $20 million.

My nephew went on, “Think about it. If you took the $100 million, you could then make it into $200 million and so on.”

Okay, I sitting there thinking, “Well, $20 million is already more than I need to get me through this life, why would I want $200 million.”

I then said that I don’t even know what I would do with so much money. I tried to work out some things such as the idea that I would leave the US and probably never come back. Go to a country where I can ride my bike and not look a like a freak riding down the street because everyone else is doing it also. He laughed at this as he is a lover of the US and all it’s arrogance.

I also said that I’ve always wanted to volunteer and help people but I never have the time because I have to work. So I could do all the volunteer work I could ever want to do. Again, this didn’t go over well.

Finally I said that I have nothing to compare it to because I’ve never had any significant money so I have no idea what I would do. I pointed a few things such as how money changes a person. He said that money doesn’t change people, it frees them to be what they already were. If they were an asshole then they will become a bigger asshole if they have money is basically what he said.’

I thought about this and it seemed possibly true. Being the recluse that I am, if I had money, I would probably just disappear to some place quiet and spend the rest of my days there writing and just enjoying the peace of not being around large amounts of people all the time.

As with all conversations, they change. I talked about the psychologist who teaches energy psychology.

He seemed to accept this, that we do affect others through our energy. Being positive or optimistic does generate an energy that is positive for others and they too might become more positive from that energy, sharing it with others and so on.

The irony was that this is when he become very negative all of a sudden. When this negativity arrived it reminded me of my family as a whole and why it was decades ago that I disappeared from their lives for the most part, appearing occasionally and often briefly in their lives. It goes back to what my brother did to me all the time while I was growing up.

From the idea of energy psychology he gave an example. He talked about a date with a woman he had planned. He was going to pick her up on the first date but someone played some road rage with him. Now, my nephew isn’t a biker but if he were on a Harley it would seem natural by his looks and even his actions, as he explained in his story.

He was trying to back out of his driveway to go pick up his date when a truck pulled up behind him and wouldn’t let him out for some reason. When he saw the truck through his rear camera he put his truck in reverse and put the pedal to the floor, stopping just short of the truck. He said the driver was cussing at him and making gestures so he got out of his truck and started walking toward the truck, ready for a fight. It was a man and a woman in the truck and when they saw him coming at their truck ready to fight they took off.

Well, this put him in a sour mood and when he picked up his date he complained and complained about what he had gone through. Needless to say, there wasn’t a second day, which was his point to the story.

Then he went on for about 20 or so minutes telling story after story about road rage incidents that he has experiencing, talking about some that ended in literal blows. One he talked about was with an older man who he ended up throwing him in a ditch.

Interestingly enough, after all of these stories, he returned to the subject of women and some of whom he had more success, talking about them as if they are nothing more than bodies to fuck, saying, “Their bodies are my playground.”

Well, needless to say, when I got home I realized I hadn’t yet fully recovered from my breakdown over the weekend. I am still hypersensitive and will be for another week or so. This means that some things that wouldn’t normally bother me, such as watching a movie like “Gravity” yet when I did so yesterday afternoon I had to keep stopping it while she flew helplessly in space trying to get to the next ship. I could feel it so deeply nearly screaming, “Grab it girl!” my whole body tense.

When I got home I was very upset, enough so that it felt like another attack coming on. I didn’t sleep well and went to work feeling much more tired that I expected because short stressful sleep is even worse that just short sleep.

Within all of his, I mentioned to him about my wanting to write a book. Well, instead of any support he went on saying, as if he has great knowledge of the publishing business, saying, “It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been writing. That doesn’t mean you are good. You will have to go through more than just writing a book. You will have to pay someone to edit it for you and then you have to get it published.”

The miscommunication here, because he can’t seem to comprehend my perspective of life, is that I am not writing a book for such things. I finally just told him that I simply have to commit to writing my book, whatever happens after that will happen. Telling him that I have no idea what will happen. All that matters is that I write the book.

Today was interesting because other people in my life, such as at work, have been so amazingly supportive of me. More so than before. I’ve been honest with them about my breakdown over the weekend which caused me to take a couple more days off this week to calm down and they check in with me, wondering how I am feeling and when I talk with those I’m a bit closer to about things I’m doing in life, they support what I’m saying, just as I support what they are doing in life.

Even my new therapist sent me a message yesterday. In it she asked if I’m taking a little time each day for my art, stating that it is important to me and going on to tell me how talented I am as writer, seemingly seeing this from my long messages to her telling her about myself. It felt so good to read such things, especially when I’m in the vulnerable time of hypersensitive. It caused me to cry briefly and respond with great gratitude to her.

As I was riding home today I realized that I will probably never attempt to contact any of my family again. I felt a desire within me, hoping that possibly I might be able to form a little family of sort of my own. A family of friends that I want to be around. Friends who are optimistic, seek to inspire others and enjoy who enjoy the energy of other optimistic people.

I know that because of having been raised by such a negative family, negativity was also in me, but I think most of it was relieved from me through my spiritual journey. All that seems to remain is a small bit of negativity toward myself, even when I think of writing a book I don’t know if I can do it. But I will never know until I do it so I don’t need to judge myself premature. I can judge the situation afterward, whether I succeed or fail. It is my heart who is inspiring me to write the book, though not rushing me per say. Right now it’s simply in my mind, often turning around as I think of different ways to express what it is that I want to say.

Last night, while in bed, my heart said, “Free you mind of any preconceived ideas about what you are to write. Just let it happen in the time that it is meant to happen. It will be different than all of your preconceived ideas. It will come from your heart.”