It has warmed up a little today but snow is still expected. Throughout the night the wind blew as it brought in the storm that has yet to release any moisture where I live, but I know it’s coming.
I woke up today feeling very good. Better than I have felt in a long time. I chuckled thinking how much pain I had felt for the last four days and how, as I laid down in bed last night, my mind still racing through thoughts I started to simply say out loud, “Shhhhh!” over and over again. This would cause the thoughts to cease. My heart then intervened and spoke beautiful things to me until I finally went to sleep, waking once or twice because of the wind but ultimately ending up with a very nice night’s sleep. Upon waking I looked around, waiting for all the intense feelings to come alive again, but they didn’t. It was quiet. It was over. The storm inside was over. And I felt better than I have felt in a very long time.
Well, I can say that those storms within are a destructive force. But even as it is destroying within me, it is also rebuilding the rebirth from the destruction. I thought about how many times this has happened in my life. Many, many times. Most of which, before I became aware of my Asperger’s and could understand what is causing it, would last much longer, degrading into horrible anxiety and depression that could go on for weeks and even months. At times causing me to isolate in my apartment for long periods of time.
Well, this time I merely waited it out. I didn’t agitate it or try to change it. It is painful. It is difficult. But it passed and with this passing came a beautiful sunrise within me and my heart began to illuminate, as if new. The world seeming to be a different place for me.
At went into work and I felt no personal connection to it as I had before. I simply did my job and went home. There were many things that needed to be corrected, things done by other people. I simply smiled when I saw them, leaving them as they were while placing the things I had to do correctly in their places. My work will be correct but I will no longer correct the work of others.
I went over to talk to a coworker, who I could call a friend. She told me about her New Year’s celebration, which was about as exciting as mine, going to bed around 8pm and waking up when she heard the noise of celebration going on outside. Pausing a moment until it finished then simply going back to sleep again. That was pretty close to my celebration.
She said that this year she is going to do what she saw on a mug one day. The mug said, “Take care of yourself rather than everyone else.”
She told me the story of her husband who, before Halloween, when she likes to decorate for the day, said that he didn’t want to decorate. So they didn’t. When the holidays arrived, she wanted to decorate for Christmas but he didn’t want to decorate. So she called a friend and they decorated. From this she came to the idea that she is going to make herself happy.
From this she came to see that by making herself happy she is indirectly and even directly at times making other people happy. If she feels good then she others will pick up on this and they will feel this happiness within her. It will also appear in her actions.
This reminded me of a lovely woman who liked one of my blog posts causing me to visit her. She is a psychologist and she believes in energy psychology. From what I’ve learned about energy psychology, well, it’s nearly exactly the same as what my friend at work said to me today. Be optimistic and positive, focusing on your own energy and this energy will spread.
I told my friend about this adding that optimism opens doors and negativity closes doors. It seems natural. I had been wondering why for so long how every time I attempted to open a door it seemed to close back up on me before I was able to enter. I saw this mainly in my attempts to find a therapist. Each time I would attempt it would seem that the door simply wouldn’t open. I would pull and pull for a little while then just walk away.
This time the door open, though it seemed like it wanted to close again. This time I put a stopper in the door so it couldn’t close and then it began to open again. I wasn’t going to let the door close this time.
With this I could also feel so many doors open up in myself. It was as if I had closed up in some way. Much like a flower might close up when a threat arrives. I could feel the flower of my heart opening and with this I could see other people there supporting me as well as experiencing their own heart flower opening. Strangely I could feel so much support coming from somewhere. Well, my heart told me last night something she would often tell me years ago when I was so deeply suffering in life, “You are not alone. There are legions of angels here with you.”
I often wondered who those angels were who were supposedly all around me. I would imagine people who had long left this life there supporting me. This time I could see that it wasn’t those who had long departed this life. It was people who are currently living this life. No, they weren’t there physically but their energy was there. The energy of their hearts were illuminating my heart. And again, this morning, as I talked with my friend, I could see that she too was of these legions of angels. As I walked away, I could see that I was one of the legions of angels there supporting her, and who knows how many others.