I woke up to find another very cold morning. So I turn on the furnace to warm the apartment. They say it will begin warming up again today and through the rest of the week which will be nice. I know I wouldn’t enjoy living in places like Alaska or Siberia.
It’s strange how things happen in life. I didn’t sleep very well last night. I think the reason is that last night, when I laid down in bed to go to sleep, I picked up my phone to see what time it was. I saw I had a message from the therapist I meeting with later this week. She seemed unsure. She said that she hasn’t worked with anyone with ASD who has the clarity of it as I do. I don’t know what that really means. Does it mean that she has worked with people with ASD who weren’t clear about having or know they have it? Or is that I’m very knowledgeable about it?
This caused my mind to wake up again. I’m still recovering from the fit I experienced last Thursday. It is something that often takes weeks to truly recover from and it also means that I must change things, which only adds to the trauma because I don’t really enjoy changing my routines. So right now I sort of feel like I’m without a routine which causes the ASD in me to become upset. It demands routine and right now it has no definitive routine. So it feels like it is the end of the world in some way.
It caused me to think of my life and how I’ve never been able to truly connect to anyone. And because my Asperger’s focus in life has been to find out why I am here in this life, well, it has made me rather knowledgeable of a vast array of subjects related to it, such as philosophy, psychology, history, spirituality, religion to name a few. It’s not like some others I’ve read who have Asperger’s and their focus in on things like dinosaurs or something like that.
What I’ve come to know is it actually seems like a threat to most people as it delves into aspects of life that most people never enter in their lifetimes. Well, possibly not until they are on their deathbed and then they might begin to see something more to their existence than just rampant consumerism.
It also caused me to think about my own family. When I became aware of my Asperger’s one of the first things I did was try to reconnect with family. Well, this hasn’t gone so well. I’ve connected some with my nephew but the rest, like my sister, the schedule a time to get together and then they cancel at the last minute.
This reminded me of my youth and how no one has ever really wanted my presence in their lives. The “friends” I had when I was very young never called me to invite me to go place. I had to simply be there at the time of the planning and they might invite me then. They rarely came to my house. I always had to go to their house.
Simply put, people don’t seem to enjoy being around me. I can understand why at this time because being that I have Asperger’s, when I talk I pretty much talk only about what I’ve been focused on all of my life, unable to talk about much else. This caused me to realize that I have no idea what they talk about. I observe them talking and it is all light talk. They talk about going to shows and restaurants or where they are planning to go on vacation or where they went on vacation. But when they talk with me, they just say things like, “I’m doing fine.” and then there is a long, awkward silence. Then another person walks and they start talking enthusiastically with them while I just sit there feeling, well, like a mutant. Someone they just want to get away from.
Okay, for the most part I’ve come to accept these things. I have to realize that most any therapist I find is going to be much like them. Just average people within this society. I’m not sure but I think they way I write and use words might intimidate them in some way. My vast knowledge of certain subjects and the fact that I’m very much different from most people, well, much like when I was back in school, where kids would be friendly to me one on one but when others would come around they would go back to attacking me. Just like chickens in a pen when they come upon another chicken who is different. They peck them to death.
But I’m not the only person in this world who is different. I can relate to many people in this life. But they are far from me and often not available to me. But their art and expressions are there for me to relate to, such as Franz Kafka:
“The truth is always an abyss. One must — as in a swimming pool — dare to dive from the quivering springboard of trivial everyday experience and sink into the depths, in order to later rise again — laughing and fighting for breath — to the now doubly illuminated surface of things.”
This is how I’ve spent my life, diving into the depths and later rising again with greater illumination. Yet, it is this activity that even more separates, but not divides me from others in life. It’s a strange thing because it brings me closer to others and yet causes me to become even more distant from them. What I mean about closer is not what people perceive closeness as being. Maybe it is more that it makes me care more not so much feel closer to. In fact, it simply causes me to becoming even more perplexed at their activities, such as their mass consumption of needless things which is destroying their home and will one day come to destroy them as a species. Yet they continue doing it as if they are programmed to self destruct.
All of this I must accept. That I can see what is happening as if I’m not in the programming but outside the programming. Well, this might well answer the concerns I started this post with. I seem to be alone because I’m outside the common programming of humanity. Thus, my programming code doesn’t fit within their code. When I insert any of my code into their code it causes, well, conflict.
So, they would rather not talk to me simply because they feel my code is corrupt in some way when, in fact, it is their code that may well be corrupt. Or so well thought out that it causes them to blindly destroy themselves as if it is their only fate. A fate that they are destined to experience. Possibly because they are nothing more than an alien science project as I said one day in about 1983, as I laid on the grass in a park at night with “friends” looking up at the stars and contemplating life.
But maybe that’s the key. I should have the courage to accept my own destiny. The fact that my programming is different from most of the rest of humanity. It is possible that when I become overwhelmed and have fits it is mainly because I’m still trying to fit in in some way. Each day attempting to connect with them in some way only to find that, well, we have nothing in common. This is what I’ve come to understand with my family, from my time with my nephew. We simply have nothing in common to talk about.
This, of course, causes some fears to arise within me. We are taught that without the society we would be living in chaos. Without others we can’t survive. Taken to the very basics of life, yes this might be true. We need each other to provide the necessary things in life for us to live. But since the people of this society have easy access to the things they need to survive, it has allowed them to focus on other things. They have chosen to focus on material comforts and luxuries rather than depths and understanding. Willing to blind their eyes to that which goes into bringing them these material comforts and luxuries.
So then. Maybe it would be better to seek out some sort of job where I’m pretty much alone in my tasks. I don’t need to connect with others in many ways. This always caused me hesitation because I’m very expressive and fear that without being able to express myself to others it might cause me pain. Yet, I do have writing, something that many people don’t have. Writing is also a way for me to bypass my Asperger’s when communicating.
I can see that much of my feeling right now, my immediate feelings regarding my latest Asperger’s fit, is simply that I feel humiliated in some ways because I had my fit in front of many other people. And I was there long enough afterward to see it spread throughout the store to other coworkers who weren’t there. Why should I care what they think?
As I said before, I think the reason for these breaks is because it is time for change. Or maybe not change but because I was neglecting my true destiny and what I should be doing now for that destiny. In a way, it is like I keep trying to take the programming code of others and trying to put it into my programming code and this, like sticking a branch in the spokes of a moving bike, it instantly comes to a stop and the rider is thrown from the bike. My mind freezes up and then keeps playing the same things over and over until I’m able to free the spokes of the branch and keep moving on, though somewhat wounded from the fall.
It is like a destructive force. Destruction is always seen as a negative. Yet one can’t have creation without destruction. As I’ve said over and over again, you can’t build a new building on top of another building. You must first destroy the first building so another building can be built in it’s place.
Again, I keep coming back to acceptance. Acceptance in who I am. To have the courage to be who I am and to fulfill my destiny, whatever that may be.
My destiny seems to have something to do with writing since this what I always return to doing. It is also the best outlet for my need to express myself. Expressing myself in person to others isn’t my forte. First off, I don’t speak as well as I write. When I speak it is filtered through my Asperger’s, so it doesn’t come out as well. And what I have to say isn’t always desired by others. So why pain them with my expressions? I can simply write them out, post them on my blog and those who are interested can read it.
I can also write my book. I can see that this is on my mind right now. Though the context keeps changing. Much like how the creators of the movie, “Don’t Look Up.” said. In the beginning, when the creators first starting thinking about this movie, they wanted to make a statement about climate change and how humans are willing to deny that it is a fact of life. But then they decided that it wouldn’t be good to use climate change directly because of all the controversy so they used the allegory of an asteroid plummeting toward Earth as the topic.
So I try to think of a context in which I can express the things I desire to express but put it in a different context than the direct context, which only seems to cause, well, people to look away.
But wait, who I am actually writing to? My heart told me a few years ago that I’m not writing to the people of today but to the future. In the beginning, my heart gave me one rule in relation to this, that I can’t profit from my heart. Well, all my writing comes from my heart. Yet, at the same time, she desires me to write a book. For the majority of people, writing a book, though satisfying to write and express themselves, is primarily about making money. Again we can see that I live a far different life than most people and thus, further isolating me from them rather than bringing me closer to them.
But to become close to them would require me being able to alter my own programming so that it more closely looks like their own. This is what I would like to get from therapy if it were possible. Simply learn ways to communicate to others in a way that connect with them.
But, (Hell, there’s a lot of “But’s” forming in this post. Let’s see where they go.) is it in my best interest to connect with them, since their programming is leading them down the path of self destruction? It’s interesting that even Franz Kafka saw this in his own way with his seemingly contradictory statement:
“You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature, but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid.”
I can’t really say where this post is going. I’m simply “vomiting” out all that has been troubling me as I recover from my recent Asperger’s fit. Maybe I can take what I’ve learned here and see a clear path. The funny thing is that the path is already clear, as I wrote about my Christmas present from the Universe.
Accept myself completely and the path will clear. As long as I question my being, not truly accepting myself, then the path won’t be clear. I have to say, this acceptance does require courage because to fully accept myself means that I don’t accept what is going on around me for the most part and, because I can’t control what is going on around me, I can only stand and watch as the self destruction of humanity continues to progress each day.