Expression of the Heart

It’s another very cold day, the morning getting down to around 5 degrees F. It’s supposed to warm up a bit in the coming days, back to where the next storm is expected to be a rain/snow mix, which will melt off the current snow some.

I took today off from work and I might take tomorrow off also. I need some time to recover from my recent Asperger’s “fit.” Last night I was able to get some good solid sleep so I am recovering. The one thing I’ve noticed is that I don’t get relief from this thing (I really don’t know what to call it. I simply get over stimulated and it’s like my mind starts to run on and on as if it gets locked on something and won’t let go of if, which affects not only my mind but my entire self.) but I’ve noticed that the relief begins when I start to cry and, ultimately, cry deeply to get it out. Only then do I feel that what is within me is coming out.

When I have those “attacks” or “fits,” it literally feels like I’m being attacked on the inside. Therefore, when it’s at it’s worst, I will complain about every little thing that bothers me in life, even things that are small and insignificant. It’s like I’m trying to get the negative feeling out of me by expelling the negative. But this doesn’t work. In fact, it makes it worse.

It’s not until the cleansing of tears come that I feel relief. What’s so interesting about it is that, once the tears have come, it’s like it clears my perspective entirely. A perspective that has, over time, become corrupted in ways. Taking in all the negative in the world around and always seemingly trying to fight against the negative, only to, in the end, succumb to the negative.

The interesting thing is that all of this isn’t a negative thing. Others in my life see it as a negative thing, mostly because it disrupts things and they might fear for me. Or they simply want me to go on in life as they do as if nothing happened. I’ve noticed that many people don’t like to talk openly of what is within us. They want to stay in the superficial. I’ve heard my nephew say about my brother, “I don’t like talking with him because all he talks about is himself.”

I can understand this because my brother doesn’t speak of what is within him but he is always trying to make himself seem better than he is. He seems to always be trying to fit into an image, an image that is that of the society, while within him he is not of the society. It’s hard to explain.

On the other hand I, having Asperger’s, wants to focus on the things that I have focused on all of my life. It’s all I want to talk about, which is common among people with ASD or Asperger’s. My focus stems out of my life long obsession in finding out why I am here in this life. A life and people who never seemed to accept me. A round peg in a world of square pegs.

As I thought about these things it brought to mind my youth. More so, as I exited youth. I remember thinking back then, as I entered my mid to late 20s, that the mocking and making fun of me, as well as the actual physical threats, all ended and it felt like a relief. I had literally spent my youth in fear of being mocked and bullied. I believe this is what caused me to go so deeply into myself and not desire to try to connect to others.

In some ways, it’s why I formed a very strong reality within myself, filled with many defenses to protect my heart, to the point where I had trapped my heart in a box within me, my intention was to protect her but in reality I was causing her great pain as she doesn’t enjoy isolation. Her sole desire is to express herself and, when I prevented this, well, it became a battlefield within me.

I still struggle with allowing this expression of my heart, though not as much. Interestingly, it is why I no longer write as much. When I sit down to write, even though there is plenty to express, I feel a blockage come up that prevents it from coming out. So I simply put the computer back down and forget about it. But writing is very important.

I was reading that people with Asperger’s normally have trouble with writing and all forms of communication. This caused me to look back in my life to see that writing didn’t come easy for me. In fact, it was very difficult. But it became my obsession and thus I read many books and wrote a lot. It started with poetry, which I fell in love with writing poetry when I was around 12 years old. But I wrote terrible poetry yet it made me feel like I had some sense of identity. I could be a writer. So I kept at it.

I remember when I turned to fiction writing in my mid to late 20s. My first stories were terrible. They were being written almost mechanically and not from the heart. It was about getting to the heart but I didn’t know it at the time.

It wasn’t until I sort of accidentally sat down to write in my journal that my heart opened up like I’ve never experienced and my best short story appeared before my eyes. A story that I always described as being the autobiography of my heart. An expression of who I am within, even though I have this strange filter they call Asperger’s which prevented me from expressing this beauty.

From that point writing became more easy for me. But it wasn’t until the journey that began a few years ago, where I began writing everyday and writing thousands and thousands of words each day, where it all opened up. Now it’s never about finding things to write about but having the courage to let it out. To let my heart express herself freely.

So I have found a mental health therapist. Our first session will happen on Thursday. It will be virtual online. For me it’s expensive and I don’t know how I will pay for it in the future but I have to start somewhere. I can’t keep putting it off simply because I can’t afford it. All I hope is that it is worth it. That it helps some.

I am going to take some time to search for a job that might be more fitting to who I am. One where there isn’t so much distraction. It would be nice to get out of the corporation world, which is filled with politics and is actually very cold in relation to the human heart, and find something simple to do.

I’ve thought of a few. My attention to detail would be good in a library putting away books, making sure each book is placed in the right place. But these jobs are often difficult to get as many people want to do it. But it’s simply describing the type of job.

It could be working in a shop where they need everything inventoried and organized. I would count every nut and bolt and would organized it all.

Of course, it would be nice to work landscaping or something also. But these ideas are not solely what I’m looking for but descriptions of what I would be good at doing. I have thought about something like data entry but I just don’t like working in offices, because there too is much politics.

As for right now, until I find that right job, which right now is a good time to possibly find it because of the “Great Resignation,” in the short term I’m thinking about finding overnight work. I don’t enjoy the hours but it would take away much of the daytime distractions. Just put on some music and stock shelves overnight. Now that companies have come back to their senses and are again stocking overnight. I thought it insane when they tried to save money by stocking in the day when customers are there, causing us to fight for room with the customers who simply want to come in and enjoy some time shopping without conflict.

Last night I watched the movie, “Cloud Atlas.” I had seen it out there for a while but when I saw that the Wachowski sisters wrote and directed it then I had to see it. The Wachowski sisters wrote and directed “The Matrix.”

At first it was hard to understand but as it progressed it became more clear what was being said. As it approached the end I couldn’t help but find tears in my eyes. I felt both emotionally connected to the premise but also inspired. Inspired to be who I am and express who I am in the world. To push the boundaries, the boundaries that prevent my heart from fully expressing herself, and let it all go into the madness of this world. Not to change it but to simply implant it into it, possibly causing even more disturbance within it.

In a way, what is wrong with the world around me is exactly what is wrong within me. The fact that, in the past, I fought against my heart, not allowing her to express herself, and thus my expression in the world was of this conflict within myself. Most humans have been taught exactly what my mother tried to teach me, but I rebelled against my mother, even though her teachings still affected me and caused great confusion within me. I would have like to have pleased her, and even tried, but it isn’t who I am.

They are taught to put aside their creative or expressive desires for that of business and success within the society. This one thing causes a great deal of the conflict in the world. In fact, it could be one of the leading causes of the fall of the society as a whole. But this is their focus. Money and consumption. Material gain over that of the expressions of the heart. Thus, in some, removing their humanity from them completely and, well, making them into machines. Machines to run the “Machine” that is society.

As I was looking at possible jobs out there I saw one for a money collector. My initial thought was the fact that they will pay money to humans to hunt other humans to collect owed money. That people would actually be willing to hunt and harass other humans simply to get money for a company they are working for.

In that thought I saw the image of how money actually divides us. Not money in the literal sense but the desire for money. The hunger for money. Money is the focus and thus, what the money can buy. If a person can gain lots of money then they can see themselves as better than those who don’t have a lot of money. The fact that rarely a day goes by when a person doesn’t think of money in some way reveals that money is the one of the primary focuses of those within the society, thus removing them from their hearts and literally locking up their hearts.

Yes, it is so very difficult to live in a world which makes little sense to me. This is what caused my primary Asperger’s focus in life for me, to find out why I am here at all. In some ways, maybe I’m here to agitate it and, well, help to cause the fall of it in some little way. Just my existence seems to be an agitation for many people.

But I have no desire to agitate anything. I have no desire to cause conflict. My sole desire is that of coming together as humanity. To reduce the divide not increase it.

I enjoy the movie “Pitch Perfect.” In part it’s a girl power film which I enjoy. But it’s the end that always brings tears to my eyes. Because they come together in the end. It’s their coming together that touches my heart. It is like this in everything for me. When I see people coming together it touches my heart. But coming together is actually very rare. Just as the video I saw today that brought tears to my eyes. The video of a young black boy who loves basketball but he didn’t have a hoop. So day after day he would dribble his ball on their driveway, shooting toward a tree as if imagining a hoop.

A neighbor saw this and put something online to raise money to get him a hoop. When he got the money he bought the hoop and a new basketball for him. When he came to the door the boy wouldn’t open the door. I was so terrified that the person was coming over to complain about him always dribbling his ball on his driveway and down the street. Instead, he was giving a new hoop, ball and a $750 gift card to a sporting goods store.

My thought is why this has to happen in such a way. Where there is so much divide between people until they actually take the effort to reduce this divide. The boy being terrified more so because of the divide. Division causes people to fear each other. We shouldn’t be afraid of each other but, as I’ve experienced in life, it is part of this life to fear other people until they have proven themselves to not be a threat. Yet most people aren’t a threat. They only seem to be a threat because, well, they too see others as a threat, so everyone is defensive and, ultimately, it is this fear that prevents them from truly expressing what is within their heart.

Well, at least I have come back to writing. Something that is very important to my life. Maybe I needed to take some time off, possibly to bring me to a breaking point. To make me see that what I focus on in a job isn’t all that important. Just as like with my current job, where I worked very hard through the holidays, even so hard that I caused myself to have a “fit,” I receive little reward for it. They still cut my hours after the holidays ended and thus, leaving me lacking even though I put it all on the line for them, even to the point were I broke inside.

But that again is the contradiction or irony of life. It’s those breaks and the inner destruction that comes from these breaks, that actually causes me to see clearly again. Taking me out of the focus I was in and allowing me to see that nothing of which this society values is of any value to me. All that I value is what comes from the heart. And thus, only confirming that I don’t belong here yet I am here. Because I am here I must then express what is within my heart, even if it agitates those around me as well as some within the world who might come upon my expression.

It’s funny. I’m mainly a quiet, peace loving, even passive person who has no desire to cause any conflict in life yet, as I said before, my very existence seems to cause conflict around me, and at times, within me as I struggle to bring forth was is most important to me as the world around me seems to do everything it can to prevent me from doing so.