It’s snowing again. It has been snowing on and off for a few weeks now. Maybe it will help the drought. I still have to navigate my way to work on my bike each morning over the ice and snow but I get there.
Today I’m going to get away from the deep thoughts I usually express and focus more on an issue that I think I should be focusing on, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, or ASD, high functioning Autism or whatever one wants to call it. It is such a broad and sometimes vague diagnosis. It is difficult to understand where a person lands in the spectrum. All I know is things or issues that I experience in life, which I try to manage but they often get out of my control.
Basically, I had another “fit” as I call it, when all my frustration comes to a height and it call comes out like vomit at times that are not so much good times to be coming out. But I can’t stop it once it comes. Like vomit, it will come out whether I like it or not.
I can see that it does stem from control issues. The one variable that I can’t control is other people and this is what often leads me to, over a bit of time, to build up a painful frustration that, when it is vomited up, comes out very irrational and I make little sense. It’s just a blend of frustrations that all come out, some small but I make them bigger, others relating to things are simply caused by my not being able to process or interpret situations. Over time this leads me to become confused as my mind tries to process all of these things and then leads to a point where it has to come out, even if it is irrational.
The thing that happened this time was that my fit happened somewhat in public. In the break room at work so as I expressed my feelings to a person I knew there others heard it and it was somewhat harsh toward the one thing I can’t control, other people.
So I’m sure many took offense. I know that the “fit” spread to other people there as some people passively attacked me for being so harsh on other people. 99% of the time I am very caring and kind to others yet, when the other one percent happens, well, people see me as mean and thus attack me. I didn’t say anything to the attacks or mocking. I just took it silently.
It wasn’t until I came home that day that I realized I was in a “fit.” This one really snuck up on me as I’ve tried to organize everything at work after Christmas. My one desire, to get everything back to routine.
I’ve noticed that in the job I work, I can form a routine but there are many things that come up to break that routine. Of course, during the holidays it was madness at work and thus I was out of routine pretty much the whole time. This is one of the reasons I really don’t like the holidays. They put me out of routine.
When I look at the whole scope of all of this, I see myself being able to do amazing things with my mind. I can see things in life that aren’t so clear to others. I can see trends where others might not be able to see them. Yet, I have to also live with the curse of not being able to live a “normal” life.
This week I thought of the short stories I used to write. They were basically stories about me interacting with others in life. In them I was more “normal” in my interactions with others. I was able to maintain relationships with another person.
As I looked back at these stories it made me think of how I am in this body and I am as “normal” as anyone else. Yet, I have to process who I am through a sort of filter or something like that which is the Asperger’s. I’ve found myself describing it lately as being as if I’m looking at this life through a window where I’m sort of in another reality and I’m looking at the reality around me as if it is strange. I often think it is sort of like living in another reality where I’ve bridged that reality to the reality around us so that I can interact with it and get what I need from it since it controls all the necessary things the body needs in life, such as food, water and shelter.
As I thought yesterday, though we were born into this life, once being born into this life we have to earn our lives, which to me seems completely absurd. But it is the way things are and so I have to constantly work on ways to interract with what I find to be absurd and even madness at times, as people kill other people in personal and in international conflicts.
It’s interesting that one of my “fits” could cause others to think I might become violent or out of control. They don’t understand what I’m going through and no matter how much I try to explain it they can’t fully understand it.
I am very open about my Asperger’s or ASD. I will talk about it openly with anyone. After my “fit” yesterday one of the women on my team came to me and calmly asked me a few questions about my life. She had never done this before. I was very open and expanded on it. I could see within what I was saying just how much I care about life.
The main question that people ask me is why I don’t have a car. I think this is mainly a US confusion, and possibly more in the Western US where it is open and a car is necessary for many things of which I simply go without.
With this I told her about my Asperger’s and how it makes me nervous to drive because it is so aggressive out there. She nodded in understanding. I then talked about how I also don’t want to feel responsible for the future that is to come. I pointed at her saying that I’m concerned for her and her children, as she is young and still to get married and have children. She seemed to like that I cared so much about these things.
I talked about how I care so much about life to the point where I can’t kill anything. I capture bugs that get into my apartment and put them outside, except for things like wasps and sometimes flies if they bother me.
She said, “You’re a really good person.” I said, “I know I’m a freak.” She replied, “No. You’re not a freak.”
When I have those “fits” I really just want to cry but I’m so tight and locked up at first that I can’t cry. I think it would be better to have others in public see me fall into deep sobbing than to have me sort of attack them even though my frustration isn’t with them personally but just part of my irrational expression of my frustration.
With all of this, I really think I need to have a mental health therapist to help me. I also believe that the job I have isn’t the thing I should be doing. I changed jobs at work so as to try to find my niche. I had chosen a job there that I think is more my niche but they refused to transfer me to that position. Instead they offered me another which was going well for a while but I can see that it too is not my niche for my Asperger’s.
I was thinking that possibly working overnight when there’s not so much going on with distractions might be good. I often worry that this would take away some of my human interactions which I believe is good for me.
I did some searches of jobs for people like me and one came up that I’ve always thought about throughout my life. Simply being a gardener or landscape maintenance, planting flowers and other things. It is seasonal. I’ve also noticed that it is a type of work mainly done by Hispanic people. Immigrants. Would I have to learn Spanish to do such a job. I’ve literally seen in job postings where they say it is mandatory.
I really don’t know what my niche is. I don’t know that it is any one particular thing. It has more to do with maintaining routine and not feeling overly responsible for anything, other than doing the best work I can. I can see those flowers planted so beautifully by my hands but this could relate to any type of job.
The one conflict I often find is that, with me, I work from the heart. I do everything from the heart. If I don’t feel passion in what I’m doing then I can’t do it. I often simply form perspectives that allow me to find passion even in the most menial of jobs.
I have found that I do this with many things in life. I love and care about humans very much but they are also quite distasteful beings. I often perceive them in my mind as more what they could be if not in their current state of being rather than what they really are at this time. This allows me to love and serve them from my heart. But this “illusion” that I create is sometimes easily shattered but I simply pick up the pieces shattered on the floor and put them back together because it is very important to me that I love and serve others from my heart.
Through all of this I could see how complex a person I am. I live a simple life with little distractions at home and this is possibly because of my great complexity. I care so much about life in general and it’s painful to me to see humans treat life, beyond their own humancentric lives, with so little regard. It pains me to see just how much this has caused so much disharmony on this Earth.
Yet they don’t seem to care. Or they might care but they don’t know how to make their own lives different, especially if they locked in the current path of the society.
Last week I talked with a woman. Again, she asked why I ride a bike. I told her the same thing as I tell others. For her, this caused her to voice her own opinions. She denier of human caused climate change. She then told me that all the strange weather that has been happening around the world is human caused. That humans can now control the weather. She says they do it from HAARP research facility in Alaska.
I had never heard of this and I called my Nephew, who used to be very into conspiracy theories, to enlighten me a little. So I did some research and though there is much conspiracy about the facility, I couldn’t find anything to confirm that they are literally controlling the weather using this facility. But people still believe they do.
This was sort of the beginning of my “fit.” If I would have been self aware enough at the time I would have been able to see the fit coming on. It is interesting that I really wanted to call out from work yesterday. I woke up feeling very strange. Even during the day I thought about leaving early. Yet, all I could hear in my mind was how they need us there to work and I didn’t want to let anyone down and cause them to have do my work. Again, my stupid Asperger’s makes things difficult for me as it wants to do everything right and not let anyone down.
I’m dedicated, loyal and willing to do most anything to help or serve others from my heart. Yet, there is that strange filter over my mind that makes it so difficult for those things to come out as I want them to come out. In fact, all communication from me comes out strangely. This is why I’m enjoy writing because it comes directly from my heart without having to pass through the filter. It’s why I was able to write stories about who I could be if I didn’t have this filter in my mind which causes me to view live in a very different way from most other people.
What can I say? When a person is at their weakest, it is then when some people will attack them rather than try to understand them. This is because, for the most part, that everyone else is so busy being productive and dealing with the madness that they can’t take any time to understand anyone else. It often seems like many people are simply living desperate lives. They make up excuses for their lives, such as climate deniers, possibly to make it so they can live their lives with the comforts they so much enjoy without feeling any guilt about what they are leaving for their children and grandchildren.
In many ways, like me, most people create their own illusions of life. Perspective illusions to deal with life and their own feelings. Can we call these illusions realities? In a sense, because we are all connected to the human stream of consciousness, yes, these are realities that make up their lives and also affect the lives of others. I might say that my illusions which are there for me to be able to better love and serve others is a good thing. But is it really? Is it actually better to view life as it really is, desperate and fleeting. Living to earn our existence, one that came to us for free when we were born, but upon birth we then had to learn how to earn our lives.
We can walk down the aisles in a supermarket and see all the food portioned out to us and we can have it if we earned it. I guess farmers and hunters of the past had to earn their food by raising it or stalking it. But this is so different from what we have to do now where we often do such meaningless things to earn something that has no value except in what it can buy.
I would rather go out to the field and earn my food by loving the Earth and what they Earth can provide rather than doing things that actually cause life and the Earth pain, simply so humans can enjoy a little more comfort that they believe they earned. The more money they have the more privilege they believe they deserve. And those who have little money are there to serve them, the privileged. Privileged only because they have more than others.
Well, I’m not the only one who sees this. From the words of Regina Spektor:
“What a strange, strange world we live in
Where the good are damned and the wicked forgiven
What a strange, strange world we live in
Those who don’t have lose, those who got get given
More, more, more, more.”