The Trappings of the World

The weather has become rather mild and is leading to becoming rather cool in the coming days as Fall breaks the back of Summer. The trees will be changing soon. It will be interesting to see the colors and how they express themselves in this drought. It is said that they won’t be as vivid. I’m sure on the East Coast the colors will still be rather vibrant and vivid as they have had much water there.

Writing has become difficult of late as I seemed to be experiencing things that I feel can’t be put to words. Not so much that they can’t be expressed but that there is so much that I can’t seem to come to a place where I feel I could make a point or anything from it.

In truth, my writing isn’t to make a point but for some reason I feel I need to make some point through my writing. I also understand that through my writing a point often comes through what I had deemed as chaos when I sat down to write.

I’ve also realized that when I’m not writing regularly I feel a sense of being trapped. As I trap everything within me it causes me to feel trapped within it. This seems to be a common words that keeps coming up in my mind lately, that of feeling trapped.

It has revealed itself in many ways. I was feeling trapped in my position at my job. As I felt more and more trapped I could see that I began to squirm more and more. I don’t like feeling trapped. So I broke free of the trap and am now moving to a new position with hours that are better for me in a completely different area where I won’t be around that in which I felt trapped before. I’ve already spent a little time over there because hours are short in my current area and I can make up some hours over there until I can officially change, which will come in about a week.

It’s almost a little confusing right now as I start my day in the place where I’ve felt trapped and then I go over to a new place, still with the residue of where I felt trapped then feeling a sense of being more open. It has caused some conflict within me but it will pass as the transition is completed.

As for what it is that I feel I would like to write, I can see that the conflict with making a point comes from the standards of writing that he society has created. I remember in school and in college that writing was always about being concise and making a point. I even see some blogs on writing that say the same. Everything must lead to something and be done in the least words possible.

For me, this is constraining. Like putting a leash on a wolf. All I do is fight against the leash trying to break free. This brought to mind the reason why I enjoy exploring the many possibilities of life as well as the seeming impossibilities, simply because nothing is impossible, except through the constraining standards of the society who seems to find safety and security through boxing up everything neatly into categories that seem to satisfy their or eliminate their greater curiosities in exchange for living in their small perspective of their existence being the center and sole reason for existence on this planet and only their desires being of any importance in their limited universe.

Always fearing those who venture out into the unknown, bringing back souvenirs of the things they have seen while those they show these things to rationalize them through their own limited perspective, which is usually cynical toward anything outside of the box in which they feel safe and secure. The place where they feel safe and secure causes me to feel trapped when I myself am within their box.

When I look out toward the reality that humanity is currently living within, all I can see is humans in conflict with themselves individual as well as being in conflict with each other and also in conflict with nature and the universe as a whole as they go about living through their limited perspective completely disregarding anything outside of their limited perspective.

This one paragraph explains the current state of humanity in general. I’m bored with the state of humanity, nor do I wish to join with them on their quest of self destruction, even though I too will go down with them, at least in physical form as I am today, for I have no control over their destiny of choice.

Mine is to see beyond the limited perspective and destiny of humanity which, in universal terms, is of no real consequence.

This time away from writing, which has caused me to experience a great deal of inner pain as I felt more and more trapped within myself, has also been a time of contemplation about where I am today. I’ve had time to explore the reality of my heart, which I can now say comes through my Asperger’s, which allows me to experience life in a different way than neurotypical people.

It’s much like being from another country but living in this country. A country that for the longest time I couldn’t describe because I couldn’t remember being there. It is another reality in relation to the reality of this country. A different way of living.

Then I could see that the reality that I am from is nothing more than a place where nature is in balance with herself. Where the human population is much smaller and lives in harmony with all the other beings because they understand that it takes all beings to bring about the great diversity of life that is harmony. It’s not a place where humans see themselves as the sole being of importance.

Because of this lesser population, they can feel more open and truly experience life as they truly are within themselves. The current state of humanity today is simply caused by their misunderstanding of the conscious awareness that is within them. A conscious awareness that wasn’t necessarily a natural state for them but was give to them by other means. In a way, it is artificial to the natural state of what humans would have been through natural evolution and now they are experiencing, well, the side effects of this event.

So, is my reality based on the future of humanity or based on the past of humanity? Really, if time is not truly linear but is a constant in which all points are expressed in each moment, then it is simply an expression of humans in a state of homeostasis through an understanding of the conscious awareness within them. Simple said, they are aware of their conscious awareness rather than simply being a victim of their own primitive instincts using conscious awareness to exploit the Earth for their own desires.

The fact that humanity is currently in conflict with nearly every aspect of themselves as well as the environment around them clearly shows that they are not in a state of homeostasis but in reality the are in a state of extreme imbalance, which is a state that is in complete contradiction to the desires of nature whose sole desire is that of balance.

At the same time, it might be seen that this great state of imbalance is a nature expression of the universe. This is where one might experience the great contradictions that seem to come through the experience of the universe as a whole.

Is the current state of humanity caused by their own inability to understand their connection to everything in the universe? Is it caused by their own selfishness in wanting to have everything to themselves as if they are the creators of their own destiny and everything else be damned? Or are they simply victims of a circumstance that came upon them in which they were granted something that could be seen as a gift but, upon being given this gift, it was never explained to them how to use it? Or, is it all simply a natural process of evolution, in which humanity must experience this great conflict and even near annihilation of themselves through self destruction in order to come to understand this great gift that was given to them, possibly being observed by those who gave them this gift as they too understand that humans have to do through this process?

Once this destruction is complete, the population of humanity will again be where they can be in balance with all life around them and thus be able to understand their connection to all life and the universe, rather than their current arrogance of being something greater than all that is around them, all while not seemingly being able to see that they are living on nothing more than a grain of sand in the universe and they are nothing more than minuscule cells moving about on this grain of sand.

Within it all, I am here in this existence, living among humanity in their current state, all while being able to see a reality beyond their current state and I’m both unable to show them this reality nor am I able to do anything for them other than observe their own self destruction, all while wishing I could offer them some sense of inspiration, or at least some sense of consolation.

Yet, I am giving them both of these things. It is an inspiration and even a consolation that they simply have no desire to receive as it is much bigger than they. They want everything now and in their individual possession. They want to be assured of their own individual survival, which blinds them to the fact that they are of something much greater. They can’t seem to see even the lesser aspects of the whole that they are not each individual but are, as a whole, one organism. An organism that requires homeostasis in order to survive.

This means cooperation rather than conflict with each other. It means that each and every individual needs the whole of humanity in order to survive. The irony of what they currently live, which is merely the survival of each individual human, is in complete contradiction to their survival. It is this individual desire to survive that is actually destroying them. This individual desire for safety and security, and even more, comfort that is not so much comfort but escape from their own reality. A reality that, in fact, causes them to also feel trapped. No life form desires to be trapped yet humanity continues to not only trap themselves but the very environment that they live within so as to feel some sense of safety and security which, ironically, leads to greater feelings of chaos, fear and insecurity.

So I have to wander about in this mess feeling completely alone as I can’t relay my reality to others nor find any relation to their reality. I recently heard a statement, “You can’t just live. You have a have a reason for living.” I thought about this for a while and I do find it to be true. Because of conscious awareness, one does have to have a sense of reason to exist. It’s not enough to just exist.

But, as I thought about this even more, I could see that I can’t find any reason to exist based on the reality around me. Yet this reality seems to dominate all reason for being at this time. I have to look beyond this reality to see reason for living, which again leaves me alone in my quest. Alone without company of most humans but not alone when it comes to life as a whole.

And thus, I am only trapped if I try to live through the limited standards of humanity in their current state. But when I allow myself to fly freely through the reality that is within me that I call my heart, I can see beyond this reality and in this, I am free.