Each day I watch the smoke fill the valley, obscuring the view of the mountains. Other days it recedes somewhat, though a thin layer of smoke always remains. It’s been months since there has been a clear view of the mountains and who knows how long until enough moisture comes in to extinguish the fires that continue to burn in the West.
The fires are burning and the floods are flooding while the Earth is shaking in various parts of the world. Tornadoes are appearing in places where they don’t usually appear very frequently. The virus continues to expand and vary causing hospitals to once again fill with ill people.
On top of it all, the politicians continue to divide the people, arguing and arguing while getting very little done. The corporations continue to lobby the government to maintain their control over the wealth of the nation as well as controlling the lives of the people.
It doesn’t look too good out there. One might think that it’s pretty negative in the world today. Things have changed drastically over the past couple of years. What many people defined as “normal” is no longer the “normal” they once knew. Human habit causes them to strive to return to that “normal” but it always seems to be out of reach as one after another situation arises to make it more and more impossible to regain their “normal” and thus they feel anxious and fearful, causing them to react toward life rather than to respond to each situation thoughtfully.
It’s not just the people but the government as a whole, who it might be said are the people, or the elected representatives of the people. As the react the people they represent react and thus, much like the process of a bomb exploding in slow motion, they come unraveled, grasping for anything that gives them any sense of “normalcy’ only the cause “normalcy” to become even more abnormal.
But such is life today. I simply sit back and absorb all the information being relayed through the expressions of people passing through this time. I see those pointing out the fallacies of all that is going on while others continue to perform these fallacies as they stubbornly seek to find some sense of human “normalcy.”
Myself, I’ve been simply trying to live within the madness. I have my own life and the things I have to do to survive within it all. For me, because of Asperger’s, find it very difficult to deal with people on a day to day basis. For the most part, I can interact with them and enjoy their company, but then there are other aspects where my blindness in being able to discern what others are doing and the situations that form around me that affect me make things difficult.
Yet, the awareness of my Asperger’s has caused me to deal with these things in a different way. Recently I’ve experienced a period of time where, at times, I’ve felt like I’ve been in a very surreal experience. At times feeling as if I’m in the twilight zone. But as it happened my heart simply told me to stand my ground. To trust my own center within me and hold to this center as the storm around me continued to increase.
In the end, it seems that something is finally going my way. I finally achieved a victory in being able to move to another department at my job. I found it so interesting how difficult this task became, as I watched some people actually trying to manipulate me. Even seeing how they have been manipulating me for a long time. This is easy for them because of my blindness but, once I become aware of it, I do watch it very closely.
I don’t even believe that they knew they were doing it. They were simply trying to keep things the way they wanted them to be and I was shaking up the “normal” that they had come to rely on. So they did what they could to maintain this “normal” but my heart caused me to be stubborn and stand my ground.
Still, for me it was so surreal as all of this happened. Things were connecting in the process that should have been connecting. People were saying things that never came to pass. Yet, I stood my ground.When they told me that they couldn’t do it or that it would take a lot of time. I asked for a timeframe. They told me that they can’t give me a timeframe. Suddenly I found myself making a timeframe for them by simply saying that if it doesn’t happen within a week then I will be forced to find employment elsewhere.
This seemed to crack the wall that seemed to stand so firmly before me. A wall that had become my prison in which I felt tightly trapped. The interesting things is how my Asperger’s is so honest. I expressed it in this way and how it was cruel of them to be keeping me trapped in this prison.
Once it broke and everything connected, I met my new manager. He is fully supportive and happy have me over in his department. In the meeting, my current manager continued to try to manipulate me by telling me of possible negative things that could happen in that department. I was honest and said I wouldn’t like it if those things happened. So my new manager said that they won’t happen. That he will simply give me my own area to take care of will give me full time hours on a consistent basis with consistent days off. I found it interesting how my new manager contradicted every attempt of my current manager to make it seem like a poor decision. I actually felt some support in a time when I haven’t felt any support in life for a long time.
I’m also seeking to reconnect with family. It has been a slow process because of their caution in doing so. But they too are breaking down and seeing the sincerity of my requests as I continue to express my desire to reconnect with at least part of my family.
I’ve created my own personal deadline for the beginning of achieving many goals in the next year. This day is October 1st. I have to stay in my current department for 2 more weeks then I start in my new position. This will be right around my deadline. From there I can then be able to focus my energy on my other goals in which I’ve given myself 13 months to complete. Goals that are not to become rich or achieve some sort of success but to simply take this second chance in life to form, well, a life for myself. A life where I have people in my life for support as well as be able to get out of the trap where I’ve lived for many years. To break free to, well, I really don’t know to what. This doesn’t matter. All that matters is breaking free. Once there, I will then see what happens.
So, with all that is going on in life around me, I myself still have a life. An expression. The expression is all that matters. While all around me life seems hopeless, there is always hope within the heart. The heart, who doesn’t care about all the things happening all around, cares only that her expression is expressed, thus expressing the expression of the universe of which I, and all living beings, are. Seemingly defying the madness that is around me as I seem to live in a different reality. A reality that seems to be because of my Asperger’s.
I walk among the reality around me as if it is a cloud or fog bank that I must find my way through. Like the smoke, it always seems to obscure the horizon from clear view but I continue to keep going forward, seemingly living a life outside of the reality that surrounds me, though performing this outside life within the reality that surrounds me. I am upon the stream that flows beneath the reality that is around me. A stream that all of my life I could see but never really understood. A stream that flows over and around all obstacles, just a water flows over and around all obstacles.
There is that pressure that builds when obstacles seek to obscure the flow of the water. A feeling of building and pressure that can only build in one directions, either over or around the obstacle, no matter how large the obstacle might be, even a dam built by humanity can’t obstruct the flow of water, they only detain it from it’s natural path until it builds up to a point where it either goes over or around the obstacle and back upon it’s natural path to it’s destiny, which is simply to continue flowing eternally.