A Little Adventure

It’s a rather pleasant day weather wise. There is a South wind blowing in the next little disturbance that isn’t supposed to amount to much other than cooling it down a bit, which I don’t mind at all. It seems that people in Tennessee needed an ark from all the flooding they experienced. Literal destruction of many places there. I watched a video a woman made as she watched her home float away. At one point she said, “At least it didn’t hit my car.” Then another home came by and hit her car, causing it to float away also. That would be difficult to watch for the person experiencing it.

But one thing came to mind as I thought of all the weather destruction, “If they didn’t build their homes out of sticks then the big bad wolf wouldn’t be able to huff and puff and blow it down.”

But in the US, the cheaper the better. Build it cheap then sell it for as much as possible.

I didn’t find that today as I went on a little adventure. Since I’m starting a new position at work in a few weeks I decided I needed some new things for the position. One that came to mind instantly was new shoes. I’m on my feet all day long and lately my feet, legs and lower back have been in pain. I know that some of the pain I’ve been experiencing has been from the stress I had been feeling.

I started thinking about how, in the past, when someone would give me advice it would rarely work for me. Now that I’m aware of my Asperger’s I can see why. Things that work for neurotypical people doesn’t always work for a person with Asperger’s.

It’s much like how, when I might complain about something, others will tell me something like, “I’ve been doing this for 20 years and it doesn’t bother me.”

Now I would like to say to them, “Try doing it with what I have in my brain.”

I did some research on comfortable work shoes. I wasn’t going to let price get in the way. I figured if I buy really good shoes it will be a good investment.

This morning I woke up, after a rather strange sleep. A sleep like what I’ve been experiencing lately, where I wake up a bit tense. Even in pain from the tension. Again I attribute this to the stress I’ve been experiencing. A few weeks I found a near miracle cure for my waking up in the middle of the night with a sort of adrenaline spike, which would often cause storms within me. It was actually something very simple and common. I simply take a magnesium supplement. I good one that is easily absorbed. I take two tablets, equal to 50% of the RDA at dinner and it literally relaxes me. Before bed I take one more and I sleep much better.

Yet, I’ve still been experiencing this tension lately, which started when I began disturbing my routine in life to form a new routine. In order to create something new you have to destroy what once was, and my Asperger’s doesn’t like this part of the process.

So, going back to advice from others, I can think of thousands of self help things people have for stress, from breathing to forms of exercise. In my case, those things might work a little, but not until the Asperger’s gets what it desires will the stress stop.

As I was walking to the store today I thought of a metaphor for it. It’s much like having two beings inside of me. One of them is like a very demanding wife. If she is not satisfied then I’m not satisfied. If I satisfy her desires then my desires are satisfied. “Happy wife, happy life.”

But there are times when I have to make her uncomfortable. So I have to endure her wrath until everything settles down again. I don’t think it is necessary to constantly have to irritate her but right now, since my awareness of my Asperger’s is somewhat new to me, it is really all about what is best for her but still she doesn’t like going through the process.

I do feel much more settled today. But I can’t forget a strange dream I had last night. Because of the magnesium I do go into REM much more in the night, which does make me feel more rested overall. For months before I often wondered if I was dreaming or going into REM with all the disturbances through the night.

I had just fallen asleep and went into a vivid dream. It was a dream of me sleeping just where I was at the time. I heard a loud buzzing. It was a large fly of some sort. It landed on me and I would brush it away. It buzzed loudly around my head. In the dream I thought it was real and that I wasn’t sleeping because the dream was of me right where I was.

I tried to swat it and when I felt it land I tried to grab hold of it, but it would slip through my fingers. I woke up suddenly, listening for the buzzing and looking around for the fly but it was completely quiet. It was only then that I realized it had been just a dream.

The one thing that is interesting about it to me is that often when I dream, especially just minutes after falling asleep, it is often a metaphor of something that is actually happening while I’m sleep. Like if I were to feel a sudden heat or something, I would dream of touching something hot. Or maybe being bit by an insect I might dream of having a syringe or needle puncturing my skin.

I had to wonder if something had been buzzing around me in some way, or maybe outside. But it was completely silent when I woke up, so I just want back to sleep, which is another positive effect I get from the magnesium. I can just go back to sleep if I wake up.

So it is the same at work, relating to Asperger’s. I have to find work that will satisfy my Asperger’s. I kind of wonder about how this opportunity I’ve been given formed. It wasn’t there before. Well, I think it was but my immediate manager was doing all he could to make me not see it or take it because he wanted me to stay where I was. But I also think it might have happened because of how candid I was when I spoke to the HR person. When I was told that there really isn’t any position I could have there where I could have consistent full time hours, this one appears out of nowhere.

Had I been able to take the position I was requesting I would have still been the same boat when it would come to hours. I was literally planning to find some other form of work, maybe even a second job to go along with it.

I believe they really did go out of their way to find me something that would work for me. The fact that I go back to early hours helps my Asperger’s because my day is a quarter over before any customers come in and it will be half over before it even starts to get busy. I will be leaving before the bulk of the business starts.

I get to start over in a way. I’ve had nothing but drama and struggle working in the area I have been working in. I’m sure the upper manager over those areas doesn’t really like me all that much. It comes with Asperger’s, some people just won’t like me no matter what I do. At times it seemed he was going out of his way to make it more difficult for me. Not just him but the other upper managers of those areas from the beginning. I never felt I belonged there. In fact, I was thinking of how this is the only job I’ve ever worked where I truly felt like a retard.

The interesting thing is on that side it is mainly made up of younger people. Where I’m going has much more older people. I also thought of another thing that would constantly agitate me in my current position. The fact that I’m working with items that are of no meaning or use. Everything bought there is a luxury, unnecessary for life. Where I’m going will be to food, which is necessary for life so I won’t constantly be thinking of the waste of resources to bring these meaningless things to people who seem to dedicate their lives to buying such things.

Yesterday I had a theory confirmed. A grandmother came in with her husband. I was in a better mood because I had gotten the news of my new position. So I really went out of my way to help them. I gave them suggestions for things that they grandchildren might enjoy, something I never do.

She was so grateful to me for all the personal attention. She took me aside and told me of how the children have been so pained by the virus and everything that is going on. They can’t go to see their friends. So it is nice to give them toys to make them feel better.

In the end she bought about $200 of toys for these poor little children who have been inconvenienced by reality. It’s something I’ve been observing for a while, now the parents and grandparents are literally spoiling their children because they are so afraid that they might be wounded in some way for having to go through any hardship in life.

So I was able to get the shoes I wanted. I have canceled my Amazon subscription because I no longer want to buy anything through Amazon. Yes, this might mean having to buy from corporations that are just as large, but I just don’t like Amazon and all they have been doing so I am boycotting them in a sense.

But it does make it more difficult to find things. Yes, this is why Amazon is so big, because it is so easy to get most anything and it will be delivered overnight or within a couple of days, at the cost of the extreme stress they put on their employees to make it happen.

I don’t necessarily buy many things but I do buy things like clothes and supplements through Amazon. I could have gotten these shoes through Amazon. In this case, the price at Amazon was higher than the store I went to, which it was nice to go to an actual shoe store rather than just order them. I also let the sign me up for an email subscription which saved me another $10 and also gave me another $10 off to use later. I do need to later get some shoes for my personal life. Today it was to make myself more comfortable at work.

I brought the shoes home and decided I also want to get some good insoles. So I went to Walmart. Walmart is cheap, at the cost of many other things, but I know they don’t necessarily treat their store employees like Amazon does their warehouse employees. Though I don’t know how Walmart treats their warehouse employees, but there hasn’t been any bad press on them.

I studied the insoles and went for the one that I felt was the best, again not deciding solely on price. My feet deserve it. I decided to also get some clothes. It has been a long time since I’ve bought clothes. In fact, since I got rid of most of my clothes from the past during my journey, I hadn’t really replenished and I often go to the closet frustrated at not really having anything to wear.

I found some cheap tee shirts. It’s so funny how shopping at Walmart is. You have to scrounge through what is there to find what you want, often having to settle. I can’t settle on size so I have to search and search, hoping that I might find my size in the color I want. I might find one but I would like to have 2 or more. But I have to settle for 1 and then find another color and do the same. So I came out with 4 tee shirts.

I also found some flannel shirts which cost much less than anywhere else. I know they go fast so I can’t simply say that I will come back for them. Once they are gone they are usually gone, at least for a long period of time before they are replenished. At Walmart, if you see something you like in the size you need, it’s best to just get it at that time because it won’t be there at a later date.

I had already bought a couple of flannel shirts from a previous visit, literally finding XL Tall, which is very rare. This time I had to settle for XL, always worried if the arms will fit because I have long arms. I put it on when I got home and it seems to fit well with enjoy for shrinkage. I think the only differences in in the overall length which doesn’t bother me at all. I just hate having long sleeves that come up above my wrists a few inches.

I wanted to get some cargo pants, which I’ve been wanting for work for a long time. It would be nice to have the extra pockets. Well, all they had was 40 X 32. Too wide and too short. Even though I can wear a 34, my ideal is 36X36, which is very difficult to find, yet I’ve come across this rare size in jeans at Walmart on occasion. But it doesn’t come in this size in cargo pants. So I will order some 36X34 from another place, but not Amazon.

But not today as I already spent far too much and it was painful to see the final tally. But I call it an investment. An investment in what is to come. A second chance to recreate my life. Not as I thought to recreate it as I was going through the journey, which was more to the feminine.

I can now see that this desire made my Asperger’s very uncomfortable. The idea of dressing more feminine in public. Again, it’s like having two beings within me. I wanted one thing and she wanted another and she always wins out. I can enjoy more feminine wear at home, which doesn’t bother her, but in public she likes to blend in, not be in the spotlight. So this was the focus of clothes shopping today.

When I make an investment like this I really hope it all works out. I have a feeling it will. I have a feeling that this new opportunity came to me through a variety of things, including the universe.

This reminds me of an experience I had yesterday. I was working in the toy department and I saw a little girl all along looking at the dolls. She was probably less than 2 years old. A very cute little girl. I came to the aisle she was in to stock and she looked up at me, a very tall man from her perspective. I asked her where her mother was. She then ran down about 5 aisles to another department and disappeared. About a minute or two later she came back.

I thought of all the people who lose their children in the store, causing us to have to go in search of them. So kept my eye on her, assuming that somewhere about 5 aisles away was her mother. It came to me that for a mother to just let her very young, cute little girl to just run about the store unsupervised means that she just doesn’t care about her child all that much or maybe she has great faith in her “god” to protect her.

When I thought of this, the possibility that she might have great faith, I thought of how I might have been part of this faith. Playing a role through her belief, where I kept an eye on her until a little later I did see her mother come over and wait for her daughter to finish up looking at the dolls. She didn’t seem a careless person. Maybe I was simply a tool of the universe, through her faith, if even just in her “god” to watch over this little child until her mother came along, which I did.

The interesting thing is that I’ve experienced things like this for myself. Things that seem to come out of nowhere. Support when I didn’t know I had it. A nice gesture from another person when I didn’t expect it. In many cases, this gesture never even known by me but was done in the background.

I can’t help but think that there were several mechanism that have worked for me to get me this opportunity where I can satisfy my Asperger’s and get on with other things, which is much easier when my Asperger’s is happy.