Be-Cause

Today was a mild day, in the mid 80s F. Unlike what the Northeast US is enjoying right now with the landfall of Henri. I’m sure it’s a bit wet and windy there. I don’t think they are used to having a hurricane make landfall there much. I’m sure there will be a bit of flooding there. Many of them probably don’t have flood insurance.

It seems it will continue to be mild here through the 10 day forecast, keeping in the 80s which is a nice break.

I’ve been trying to put my finger on this new change that has happened to me. This existential perspective that seemed to come out of nowhere. In my mind I see all of this as a second chance of some sort. My awareness of my Asperger’s seems to be the key to this second chance. The understanding of what it is that has been inside of me all of my life that seemed to cause me so much despair yet also giving me so many benefits and gifts that I often saw as curses.

I find a certain resolve to recreate my life in some way. I have no idea how to do it. I simply go forward into it each day. I wasn’t going to write today but something compelled me to write, maybe to bring out these thoughts and feelings so they will become real within me.

Throughout this journey I have remained rather passive. Passive in relation to the society and my interactions with it. This allowed me to focus on the reality within me. A reality that I’m beginning to understand even more. At least it seems like I am.

It all relates to the Asperger’s. As I’ve often described it, it is like being in another reality while living in the reality around me. It causes me to seem like nothing more than an observer of the reality around me. The one thing I still can’t understand is where this reality is, other than within me.

I’ve been thinking of how I would describe it to other people, neurotypical people. I’ve come up with several metaphors. One is that of being from a foreign country and coming to this country. Everything is different here from my home country. I have to go along with what is happening in this country because it is their country. I have to abide by their rules and standards when interacting with them.

As I thought of this a woman at work came to mind. She is an immigrant from the South. She speaks Spanish. She seems determined to not assymilate into the society completely. She doesn’t seem to have any desire to improve her English. I know that when she is not at work she lives in a community that is based on her home. People who speak only Spanish among themselves.

I came to feel more connected or close to her. Lately I’ve noticed that I will talk with her in what Spanish I know, which seems to make her happy. I don’t know much but for some reason it makes me want to know more so I can share it with her.

I can tell that this society is very different for her yet she doesn’t seem to fight against it or criticize it. She simply lives with it. She abides by the rules and standards when she has to do so but within her she is still the person she was in her home country.

It came to me that this is how I have to view this society myself. I don’t belong to it. It’s not my home. But I am living here and I do abide by it’s rules and standards when interacting with it. Yet, in my own “community” or home, I am a in my real home.

For some reason this reminded me of something said on the TV show “The Big Bang Theory.” It was when Sheldon’s mother said to Sheldon, “It’s okay to be smarter than others but it’s not okay to point it out to them.”

In my case it is more like, “It’s okay to perceive life differently from others but you don’t need to always point it out to them.”

This is what I’ve always done in life before I was aware of the Asperger’s. I literally thought that others felt and saw life similarly as I do. Now I know they don’t and why they don’t see it the same. In many ways this is what caused me to seem so negative and cynical in the eyes of other people. I have no interest in the things they do. It doesn’t make sense to me that they live their lives for material gain and status in the eyes of other humans. Yet, it is what they do in this society and it’s not my place to point it out. I’m not from this country or society. In my home the things they do here aren’t the same as they do where I’m from.

I then thought of another metaphor that I could use that is more toward the neurotypical person I might be describing it. If they visited another country, such as a country of devout Muslims, where all the women have to wear a burqa, the people can’t listen to music, they can’t drink alcohol, the Internet network is controlled and often turned off after 6pm. I could go on and on. Then a person from this society enters that society with no real knowledge of the society, all of this would be strange to them, different. Yet, for the people living there it is normal.

I have in my mind that I have 14 months to establish the foundation of the re-creation of my life. Like I said, I have no idea how it will come about. Yet, just as with my journey thus far, it is a journey into the unknown. I also have certain skills or gifts within me that I can now use being that they have come to life through this journey. An understanding of how I myself affect things in life. That the things in my past that I often referred to as being miracles where actually brought about through myself.

I understand that the Earth is a conscious being as well as the universe as a whole. That I’m not sovereign being, independent from nature and the universe, yet sovereign as an individual that I am self governed and independent of the reality around me. Governed by a reality different from the reality that is around me. The reality of nature and the universe.

So it seems at this time that my journey has become rather existential, focusing on my existence in this period of time and place where I am. Forming the life that I’m within into something. Possibly becoming more interactive with others. Understanding my place in those interactions. Knowing that I will be playing a role in those interactions. A role based on my true self but only revealing what is necessary for those interactions.

I’ve always wanted to stand for some cause in this life. Now I can see that the cause is Asperger’s. But even more, it is the cause of those who are left outside the society, either by choice or simply because they are different.

I can see this in my feeling of greater connectedness to the immigrant woman at work. I feel much more connected to all those who are not necessarily of this society but are living within it. I can even see this in black people, who really don’t agree with this society because it is a society based on white standards, though they go along because, well, they have to at this point. Yet within, they know something different. They perceive life in a different way. This society isn’t their home. This reality isn’t their home reality.

The list of different people could go on, even including women as a whole, whose true reality within them is much different than the reality that is around them. But they have been held in bondage by this reality for so long that they can’t necessarily discern anything outside of the reality around them. At least many of them on in this boat.

I really didn’t write much of any real meaning today but I felt compelled to write something. I think I wrote what I needed to write today.