The Things That Happen

It was a sunny day today but now it has changed to dark clouds and wind. It could possibly rain. It’s nice to see the forecast with temperatures that aren’t above 90 degrees F.

Today I felt very strange. When I feel like this I can’t help but wonder if I’ve caught the Covid. I took my temperature and it’s still normal. I have a feeling it has to do with all that has been going on in my life lately. I’m disrupting many things and this means my routine becomes disrupted. But it was already disrupted before hand because of all the things that had happened which caused me to have to make these changes.

Anyway, I simply feel strange. I feel rather emotional. Today my immediate manager was being so nice to me. I think he knows that something is up. That I’m going to change departments, only I don’t think he knows all the details yet. I know he will be upset simply because it will leave him without a reliable person in this department. But I have to do it.

Like I’ve always said throughout my life, I give my respect and trust for free the first time. If it is lost, then it has to be earned back. I feel that all the respect and trust I’ve given to several people at work has been lost, thus I don’t trust them anymore. I feel distant from them. Knowing that the advice they have given me all related to what they wanted from me, not wanting the best for me is, for me, a betrayal. But it is natural for a person to want what is best for them and he doesn’t understand the pain that it was causing for me simply because he can’t truly understand the Asperger’s in me.

It’s been less than a year since I’ve become aware of my Asperger’s. I remember the first three or so months where I was terrified to tell anyone about it. Anyone beyond this blog. Now I tell everyone. It’s almost like I both making a point and also challenging them.

Today I had the honor of having a person with Asperger’s like my last post. This gave me a chance to read her blog. She has made a list of Autism blogs, which is, for me, a great resource. I read a few posts from some of the blogs she has listed, seeing them going through very similar things as I do each day. Maybe not exact in content but in how they feel and experience things in life. In one of her posts she pointed out that Asperger’s and Autism is like being in an altered state of consciousness without the drugs. I found this to me a perfect description. I’ve often described it as being in a different reality than neurotypical people.

Then there is that dreaded desire for community that many people with Asperger’s have yet they have no idea as to how to attain it.

I have found it interesting how, now that I’m in this existential perspective, that I am actually seeking to connect with my family again. I actually called my sister, which I haven’t done in many years. I’ve communicated with her but only by email. I was going to visit her but my scheduling at work wouldn’t allow it.

I wanted to tell her about the Asperger’s, which is the reason why I’ve been divided from my family. Not so much because of me but how they have treated me all of my life. My brother being the worst, always making fun of me because I was different, which all happened long before I even became aware of my Asperger’s. He is much older than I am but always found time to make my life more difficult since I was little. On the other side, he would always advise me as to how I should live my life. Much like my mother who tried to force me to become some sort of image of what she thought I should be. Even abusing me at times in her frustration that I wouldn’t respond as she wanted me to respond.

All of this came to mind after talking with my sister. It’s like all of this came alive again. I wondered if I made a mistake in calling her, that I could remain divided from them.

Then today my Niece appeared at my work. I heard, “Hi.” as I was working out on the sales floor. I turned but didn’t recognize her. I then saw her two little ones with her. As she came into full view I recognized her. I was really surprised. We didn’t say much. I hadn’t seen her little ones since they were babies and now they are getting very big. I let them wander a bit through my department and then I found myself looking for her.

I found her in an aisle and asked if there were any family get togethers coming up. She said that there wasn’t anything right now. I asked her to let me know, since the holiday’s will be coming up, to let me know. She seemed surprised by my request. I then told her about my Asperger’s and a little of what I’ve gone through since I became aware of it. I told her that I would like to get to know her little ones a little better and be somewhat of an Uncle. Their crazy Uncle.

Okay, I really didn’t plan any of this. It all just happened. I just went with it. Maybe their being aware of my Asperger’s will make it easier for them to understand why I am like I am when I had been around them many years ago. I also told her that I am learning to manage it.

I just can’t live in hiding anymore. The last month was like a perfect storm in my life. I came to a place of great lacking. I was struggling to make ends meet, often afraid I wouldn’t be able to pay the rent, all because of the hour cuts at work and my trust in the managers at work to help me to get the hours, which they continual failed to do, though they kept telling me that the will “take care of me.”

I realized that I have to take charge of things for myself. If I want a connection to other people, be it my family right now, I simply have to do it. I have to make the first step because I know they are leery of making the first step. In a way, they don’t want to simply because they feel I didn’t want them in my life and so they might have been offended by it. They weren’t going to interfere with what they believed I wanted, and I have to admit it was what I wanted. I wanted it because I was a mess back then and I didn’t want to be a burden on them. I didn’t want them involved or pained if I did commit suicide back then. I just wanted to disappear one day without anyone knowing or inconveniencing anyone. All because I was struggling in life, unaware of the Asperger’s within me which, back then, was nothing more than a monster that wanted to destroy me.

Now my Asperger’s is neither a monster nor the enemy. It can be troublesome when it doesn’t get what it wants.

I’ve realized that I have been given a second chance of sorts. A chance to recreate my life through this awareness.

In the past weeks, along with the great lacking I was also trying to get my apartment lease renewed. They gave me in invite letter. I went to the office and requested the renewal. But it never came. Each week I would call and ask about it. They said they will send it to me. It never arrived. This too was weighing on me. All of this made for a very strange few weeks. I could only wonder if they had changed their minds and were planning on evicting me for some reason. Then yesterday I went into the office and spoke with a different woman and it arrived later in the day.

What’s interesting is all of this was happening during the time which my heart said I was causing all of these things to happen. Yet it all wasn’t wrong or a punishment. It was a perfect storm of conflict which caused me to change. It all happened as if it was intentional. It’s much like I am here in this life, blind of what is going on now in some ways without any understanding of what the future will bring, yet another part of me is completely aware of everything that is going on and what is coming in the future, thus creating the circumstances that will lead me, the blind man, to the place that me, the all seeing, wants me to go. Of course, the me that is all seeing I call my heart.

I’m really in a strange place right now. It’s all so different from any other part of the journey so far. Suddenly I’m passing into an existential perspective and, in a sense, am now focused on living my life right now. Participating in my life right now. Blindly moving through it all, yet completely aware of everything that is going on at the same time. Both the blind person and I’m also guiding the blind person. I can see that, like a blind person who isn’t used to walking alone, I am hesitant of my steps. I ask a lot of questions of others, who find my questions to be strange. Again I simply point out that I have Asperger’s.

Asperger’s is not only life being in an alter state of consciousness but, in relation to the society around me, it is like being blind, as I’ve described it as being before. I take a step and wonder if my foot is going to fall off the ledge if I put my weight on it. I wait until I feel my foot land on firm ground and then I lift my other foot and do the same, all while feeling around with my hands for anything to hold onto and help to guide me. Always wondering if I’m going in the right direction or if I should be going in another direction. Yet, all the while, I just go in the direction that my heart lays out for me and allow the seeming mystical coincidences that come within each day to form before me, as if placed there intentionally by someone. That someone being me.

It seems to be raining now.