Alone

Sometimes I wonder if I should take satisfaction in everything that is currently happening to humanity. Since the early 1990s I’ve been talking about what is happening today and living a simple life, with the exception of about 10 years where I tried to live like those of the society, where I’ve not had a car, rode my bike or walked to the places I had to go, I’ve had no desire to possess many things or to gain status in the eyes of others. No desire to live the American Dream, in fact, I’ve often pointed out how pointless the American Dream is.

This brought me to a point later in life where I came to find myself completely alone in the world, having been mocked or ostracized from groups because I couldn’t live the way they live. They insisted that I live the way they live, some going out of their way to “help” me live like them. But it never worked. I simply couldn’t do it. It’s not who I am.

Now I find myself in a world that is basically coming unraveled by the very things I’ve been talking about since I was a teenager. I can’t say I’ve lived a perfect life in relation to all of this, but I know I could die feeling little responsibility to what has happened.

My heart took me on a journey of great awakening to where I can now view all of this from a very different vantage point. Sometimes I think of how nice it would be to live in a more secure place. Possibly have some property where I can feel secure and maybe some money while watching all of this happening to humanity. This wasn’t to be my fate. I was to be right in the middle of it, much like a war correspondent, but I don’t get to go behind the lines to write my stories. I have to write my stories out on the front lines, while wondering from month to month if I will have a place to live, food in my belly and, well, any security at all.

My heart took me on this grand spiritual journey without taking me out of the battlefield of humanity. She didn’t take me to a cave in the wilderness to show me all the things that she has shown and taught me. She did it while I was still here on the front lines of life.

At times I’m amazed by this. In some ways, even though I view myself as a very weak person, I am very strong. Even stronger because of my connection to my heart. I just keep going forward within it all, almost like a fool walking right into the fire. But, strangely, as I walk into each fire, just as a approach it and can feel the heat starting to burn my flesh, the fire disappears. Yet, no matter how many times I do this, when walking into a fire, feeling the heat of the fire, I still feel a desire to not walk into the fire. A natural desire to run from the fire. But my heart keeps me going forward and into the fire I go only to find that the fire never existed in the first place.

It’s much like how none of this that humanity is going through really exists. Not in the true reality. It is all part of their own illusion that they have created in their minds and thus manifested into their physical reality. This is what happens to a species who is given conscious awareness but is not ready for conscious awareness. They aren’t aware of their conscious awareness so they are not aware that what is in their minds and hearts also manifests itself into their physical reality.

When they walk into each fire, the fire does burn them simply because they continue to see the fire as real within their minds and thus it continues to exist through to their demise.

Of course, this is hard for them to fathom and is yet just another thing that they have argued with me about in my life. My life has been a constant debate for them. No matter what I say or what I do, they have either argued against what I’m doing or mocked me for what I’m doing, or both. Now that my heart has brought me into this grand awakening, now knowing that I could never convince them of anything different than what they perceive within the illusion that they have declared to be reality, I still must endure their reality as I pass through, much like passing through a very hot fire.

It’s not easy to become awakened, especially if your fate has placed you directly in the heat of the battle as a war correspondent within the insanity. Out here in the mud and trenches watching the bullets flying all around me and the bombs and missiles exploding all around me, many times wondering if and when one of them is going to hit me while continuing to go forward, as this is the only direction that my heart will allow me to go.

Going forward into another but the dense smoke of the battlefield, unable to see anything in front of me until I come upon it, all the while somehow completely aware of everything going on around me, though often distorted by the chaos that is going on around me as I hear the sound of bullets whizzing around me and explosions all around me.

Still, I have to wonder if I should simply enjoy all of this being that I’ve spent my life in despair, pain and loneliness simply because all that I have come to know today has always been within me. I’ve always expressed it in many ways throughout my life and have been told that I’m crazy by most people in my life until I came to find myself completely alone in the world, even feeling completely alone in the universe only to find that, ironically, it is humanity in their current state who are all alone in the universe and I who is not alone in the universe.