Strange Days

It’s a rather hot and humid day. There are some very dark clouds on the horizon but who knows if they will come by here. They have covered the sun but rain is hard to come by. The washout they forecasted for this weekend never really happened in this area. Early Friday morning I woke around 1am because I wasn’t feeling very well. I could hear the wind so I went outside. There were dark clouds all around and some good lightning going off in the distance. Later it rained hard for several hours throughout the rest of the night. I was finally able to go back to sleep and when I woke up the world outside was very wet. The roads were still wet as I rode to work later in the morning.

That was about it for the washout, at least so far. Later the sun came out and since there have been some threats of rain. In some areas there were some flash floods. But nothing here. Just heat and humidity. Maybe there will be some tonight because those clouds in the distance are very dark.

I’ve continued watching some events at the Olympics. Many of the women’s events. I watched women’s kayak and canoe runs. That was interesting. I watched women’s mountain biking which I really enjoyed. I’ve watched women’s BMX Street events as well as skateboarding.

I saw the women’s gold medal match in tennis, which as sort of sad because Bencic did one of those medical timeouts to treat a simple blister, doing it on her opponents serve to ice the server. She went on to win but I can’t see how she can be proud of it.

Last night I saw the one event that I will remember for a long time. It was such a great match. It was women’s volleyball. The USA vs. Russia. I won’t call Russia “ROC” because I see it as an insult to the Russian athletes.

The US team was the number one team, unbeaten through the entire tournament. That is, until Russia came along and did what no one expected. They destroyed the US. Not just beat them but literally humiliated them. It was so wonderful to watch. Russia won over the US in straight sets, and in one of the sets they won by over 10 points. Of all the events I’ve watched, that one I will always remember and I’m so grateful to have been able to watch it live.

It has been just such a bizarre time for me over the past few weeks. With all the stress of having my hours cut at work, struggling to pay the rent this month and also the worry because my lease is coming to an end and I didn’t know if they would allow me to renew it. All of this while not feeling well at all. I have felt very strange of the past few weeks. But, just as my heart has taught me, no matter how I feel I am to just keep going forward.

There were times when I truly felt I was going to die. Like I was going to have a stroke or a heart attack or something. There were times when I felt so terrible that I just wished my heart would take me quickly from this place. But I kept going forward.

There were times when I wanted to stop the routines and rituals that my heart had given to me. My heart told me to just keep doing them even though I don’t feel them or feel connected to them. So I did.

I could tell it was something physiological but it was deeply affecting my mental being also. Like I wrote in one of my posts, which I saw on an episode of “Fringe,” how we feel affects our perspective.

All of this was truly affecting my perspective. I was seeing life in a very different way. I could feel myself disconnecting more and more from the reality of society. This is what my heart wanted. She told me to allow myself to fall into my “Asperger’s perspective.” I was truly falling into it.

The other night, the night of the rain storm I referred to at the beginning of this post, I woke up feeling terrible. I felt it was the end or wished it would come. Surprisingly I was very calm. I had become so used to feeling terrible that I was no longer bothered by it other than for the pain.

Over the past few weeks I have tried everything I know to resolve this feeling. Nothing worked. Something even made it worse. The surprising thing was that even drinking kava became a bad experience. It would be nice at first then a couple of hours later I would feel absolutely terrible. I stopped drinking kava.

I woke up at 1am a couple of nights ago and I laid in bed talking with my heart. I said that I’ve tried everything and I have no idea how to resolve this feeling. If it’s the end then just let it come quickly.

I did go back to sleep a couple of hours later and woke up feeling terrible. I had to go to work later. I sat down in my living room and watched some of the Olympics. Then the answer came to me. My heart reminded me of something that happened about 3 months ago that I somewhat ignored. Then it came to me. I thought, “Is it really that easy?” I got up and made the adjustment. Within minutes after making the adjustment I felt better. Even with so little sleep I began to have energy. I think the first feeling was more placebo because I knew it was the solution. Later I felt much better and it has continued.

It was something so subtle that I simply overlooked it. So simple. I couldn’t help but be a little angry at first with my heart because she didn’t tell me this before. She just let me struggle through it. Yet, as I looked back, the pain changed my perspective which was necessary. On top of it all, later that day I received an invite to renew my lease and the day before I talked with the management at work and received more hours at work.

My heart had placed me into a perfect storm of stress and physical distress. Yet I continued going forward. I never missed a day of work, even though I was sometimes very miserable there. I kept doing my rituals and routines each day. I kept writing the best I could and my heart kept having her say within my writings. I began to see life here in a very real way and seeing it from my true perspective. The perspective of my heart. I was able to see the true reality of the universe in contrast to the insane reality of humanity in it’s current state.

It was all so clear. It is still so clear. I think it had to come to the point it did so my heart was sure that my perspective had been changed. If I would have started feeling better earlier I might have again connected with some parts of the reality of society. Instead, I still see it as I was seeing it only now I have a much clearer mind and, well, no pain along with my normal energy returning. It will probably take a week or two before I’m back to my true normal.

Then today something interesting happened. I was in the back room at work doing some things while listening to Primus from my phone. I didn’t have ear buds on but was using the phone speaker. I don’t know what others around me think about the music. I keep it down for the most part but I’m sure they hear it when they pass by me. All the strange sounds and words coming from my ass pocket.

One of the upper managers was back there talking with someone. He is my manager’s manager. He is the one I had to talk with to get some more hours. He looked over to me with a sort of confused look asking, “Is that Primus? Are you a fan of Primus?”

I replied, “Oh yeah. Big time. From back in the day to today.” He said, “So am I.” He went on about how their newer works are also good. I commented that Les Claypool’s solo work is very good. He then said, “I haven’t met anyone who likes Primus. Now I have someone to talk to about Primus.”

I think it surprised him that I was listening to Primus and it definitely surprised me that he listens to Primus. But, in that moment, there was a connection between us and that is a good thing. He got to know something more about me that he can relate to himself.

It was just a small but very interesting thing to add to all the other things that have been happening. Later I walked by him in another part of the back room and he looked up and said, “I can’t believe you like Primus.” I replied, “Everyone should love Primus. If they did then it would be a better world.”