It was another hot day getting up to around 100 degrees F. Later in the day, about the time I was leaving work, clouds began to roll in and it even rained a little as I was riding home, though it was still around 95 degrees. I even enjoyed a little thunder. The clouds have brought some wind that will eventually blow out the smoke for a while. Tomorrow there is a greater possibility of rain. The air is still very bad right now.
Today I felt very strange, from the moment I woke up. I have been wondering what is causing me to feel so strange. Is it the smoke? Is it something else?
I’ve been feeling strange for a while. I know this Summer has been one of the most difficult Summers for me, with all the smoke and heat. Along with other things that have been happening. At times I feel like I’m on a mild LSD trip. I often feel so disconnected. Like I’m in a different reality than everyone else, though I’m still interacting with them in their reality.
I’m often amazed at how I maintain within this state. I’m rather mellow out among the people, though inside I’m often irritated. I put up with them even though their bother me for the most part.
I’ve been releasing a lot of anger, mostly in my writing. This has helped. I think it’s important to process this anger. Last night I was watching an episode of “Fringe” and Dr. Bishop said that how we feel affects our perspective. I have been allowing my feelings to run free and I’ve simply been observing as they do. At times I do fight them because they seem so strange at times. But I know this is all part of the journey and it’s something my heart is putting me through at this time.
I often wonder if this feeling of disconnection is because something big is coming. It seems that something big is already here. I have felt some fear as I’ve noticed many in the society are becoming more aggressive while corporations are contracting. This usually means something is coming, such as a recession. Corporations usually know when a recession is coming simply because they are part of the reason they happen. It’s all part of Capitalism. The boom and bust. If you notice, in any recession, the wealthy always get richer while the poor and middle class suffer.
In fact, they seem to get richer when any conflict comes up, such as the virus, while the people suffer. I’ve noticed that there is more and more suffering among the people and it’s affecting more and more who were once somewhat safe from the suffering. This reveals the possibility of the class divide becoming even more narrow on the part of the wealthy.
Within all of this, my heart has told me many things. Mainly she has told me to allow my feelings and to let them run free, affecting my perspective. Things are different now that I’ve been going through this journey. Had any of this happened before the journey I wouldn’t know what to do and would be suffering terrible anxiety. For the most part, I just keep going forward no matter how I feel, just as my heart has instructed me to do.
Today I noticed brief moments where I could feel something for other people, such as seeing a smile and being able to feel it. It’s sort of like all that I’ve been going through, all these powerful feelings and experiences, are beginning to settle. But it is still a very powerful experience, one that seems confusing at times.
I figure that once some of the more stressful things I’ve been facing settle down then I will feel more settled. Once I get the notices to resign my lease for another year, this will free me from this stress. My manager at work is doing all he can to get me more hours, but this is happening from the corporate level and even the upper management has no control.
He told me something today that sort of surprised me. One of the people who works in my department early in the morning is no longer going to be working in my department. He said it was because she was having trouble working with him. So this frees up those hours for me.
I’m not sure what really happened but he is doing all he can to get me more hours. It is throughout the place as others tell me of their strange schedules. Some have taken up second jobs.
I was thinking about this and other similar things happening in the world, at times thinking of theories that others might consider conspiracy theories. I’m always speculating and theorizing.
I wondered about the fires and that they might be intentionally set, possibly by the wealthy so they can purchase the land dirt cheap afterward, or that it might be China or Russia doing it covertly. This was just one of my speculations of it all. I even speculated that the wealthy might have some form of control over the weather, as Bill Gates has been talking about being able to seed clouds and other things.
Then my heart stepped in and said that they are afraid. The world is going out of control even for the wealthy. The institutions they based themselves on are failing all around. The are contracting themselves in and preparing for what is even an unknown for them.
I found that interesting but not surprising.
All I know is that I feel so strange. At times I think that maybe I have contracted the COVID. But I still don’t have a high temperature. I am sneezing a lot but that could be from the smoke. The smoke could be affecting me in many ways, because it might not just be wildfire smoke.
But this feeling does affect my perspective and I’m noticing that this perspective has been taking me to very different places that I’ve never really gone to before. At times I have been afraid to go to such places as it is place that most in the society see as being dark and depressed. But, for me, it is very real. Like I’m seeing the true reality of it all and yes, it is hard to take in at times. Even rather depressing.
But my heart has been preparing me for this for several years now. I remember when she first started showing me some of these things, it seemed so far away and more a novelty at the time. Now it seems that I’m here as it is happening and, well, I don’t think any amount of preparation can make it so I’m not affected by it.
Feelings come and feelings go. It’s usually most intense, just like in battle, when the battle is raging fiercely. But the battle always subsides and then there are moment of quiet and even feelings of peace. But, as always happens in the realm of humanity, the battle always begins again and the intensity, as if they are addicted to intense things, comes again. They enjoy the rush of intense things. I guess it makes them feel alive. Alive from having to live the empty, mundane lives that the society provides for them which most people are trying to escape.
Still, I really don’t know for sure about anything. I’m just riding the wave and feeling the feelings as I go through it all. Maybe my heart will pull me out before it gets too bad or maybe all of this is simply to strengthen me so that I can endure it as it progresses. I do know one thing, it’s not simply going to go away, as most people hope it will. They started this raging fire that is now raging throughout the world, as people are protesting and rioting against the lock down and mask. Even in Sydney, Australia, where they have been rather compliant through it all.
I just can’t help but think back in history, at least here in the US, where people here were much more compliant. Such as during the world wars, where people all came together to support the troops, going without things and gathering metals and other necessary things for the war effort.
Well, this too could just be propaganda. I’m sure many people complained about having to ration and go without. Many possibly became violent. But still, if only people could work together for the common good, rather than just for themselves.
It is definitely much worse now. People still fighting against getting the vaccine, such as the violent protests in France. Who knows, maybe the reason why I feel so strange is because of getting the vaccine. I could speculate and speculate on this subject but it’s the perspectives that these feelings put me into that are important, even if it is caused by the vaccine.
Now the CDC is rethinking masks, even for vaccinated people, because of the spike that is going on now. This won’t go over well with the people. There are still people at work wearing masks and some that took off their masks before are not putting them back on.
Truth is, it is becoming severely chaotic in the world and especially in the US society. Even though they might not show it on their faces as they try ever so hard to go on with life as normal, buying and buying things, they are deeply afraid inside. They are possibly even more stressed about it that I am. I never have any gauge by which to measure these things but usually others are more affected by these things than I am. Without the gauge I think mine is possibly worse. But it is usually isn’t. Those times I’ve been able to experience other people and their concerns, they are often much more and thus the reason why they are seeking so much escape, such as shopping and other things. Trying to put it all out of their minds.
Well, we will see how it all goes and turns out in the end. I will simply continue to ride the wave and, well, see where I end up in it all. I have one thing that most other people don’t have, I’m connected to my heart. She is the captain of the ship and I’m simply the crew. Wherever she goes I go. Most times those places end up being truly beautiful and exotic, but often it requires going through very treacherous waters to get there.