It’s another rather hot day. There are some clouds and maybe some rain will come from them. It rained very hard here yesterday. It was like a mini hurricane for a while. It tore down trees and branches were all over the streets this morning as I rode my bike to work. It was a very interesting experience to break up the monotony of this heat. It didn’t last very long but it was very strong. The rain was very heavy and moving in circles in the wind. The thunder was seemingly continuous as if the sky was roaring or growling constantly for about 30 minutes. It did rain for about a hour overall, slowing down to a simple steady rain and then it all went away.
Today it is sunny and hot again as if it never happened. Maybe it will happen again. These storms happen all around but you just have to be lucky, or unlucky, for them to hit a certain area. Usually they just go around where I live. I watch the radar and it comes right at us and then either disappears or goes in another direction. This time it came right on in and it was nice, giving us a cooler night where I didn’t have to have the AC on and I could open a window.
I’ve been thinking that it might be time for me to vent a little. I’ve been just suffering inside lately. I know it is caused by my Asperger’s, which likes to make life more difficult for me. I know all the spiritual things yet my Asperger’s makes even that tougher to simply live. Lately it has been a bear to deal with.
There are so many good aspects of the Asperger’s, which I will also delve into, but there are parts of it that make life almost unbearable when faced with certain things.
My Asperger’s loves routine. Right now routine is pretty hard to come by. For some reason they have cut my hours even more at work, which is painful. I’m also coming to find out if I can continue living in this apartment, if they will renew my lease. I have been here a long time and, with the housing market as it is, I have no idea what is coming and I can’t get the info any earlier than a week or so from now. So this is a great unknown and a possible routine breaker. These two things drive my Asperger’s crazy.
I work so hard and they continue to cut my hours. I can’t help but think that working hard for this company has no reward but only punishment. It’s not the first time I’ve felt punished working for this company. When they had me working back to back shifts week after week, a late shift then the early shift, back and forth, this nearly drove me insane. There is another coworker who is still enduring this schedule and I’m glad I no longer have to work that schedule but have a more routine schedule. Right not it is lacking in hours. Having to go in for 4 to 5 hours and try to complete 8 hours of work, this is impossible. But my Asperger’s wants to complete the routine and it becomes frustrated when it can’t complete it.
Then there is all the things my heart has been showing me lately about the world and humanity, some of which I’ve written about in previous posts. This too causes my Asperger’s to go crazy.
The best example of this is Greta Thunberg, a lovely young women with Asperger’s who is trying to convince the world that they are destroying it and the climate. Because of her Asperger’s she lives what she preaches. This is one of the good things about Asperger’s but it can also be a pain in the ass. Asperger’s is very honest and also very dedicated. Stubbornly dedicated.
I can’t tell you how many times I go out into the world, or just to work, and wish that I could be like other people and just not give a fuck about anything. Just not care about anything. But I can’t.
So, when my heart showed me the belly of the beast and all the needless suffering of people and life in general because of it, this causes me great pain inside, again because of my Asperger’s.
I go out into the world and see these people just living it up, buying meaningless, needless things with their disposable cash while completely unaware or not caring about all the bloodshed and death as well as all the needless suffering that happens just so they can live such a life of comfort. All the people who provide the raw materials who are living in shacks and making hardly enough to feed their families.
Women who work in the field and groves who are being raped and exploited while providing these raw materials, still barely making enough to survive. Yet here, they enjoy these cheap goods with great smiles on their faces and, if a person doesn’t like it, just as they say about Greta, they are must be mentally ill and depressed because they can see and even feel the pain that these people are causing throughout the world simply to live in such a gluttonous and arrogant way.
So I walk among them and I can’t even look at them anymore because they disgust me so terribly. I think of my own life, how I’ve always lived so simple and yet I too have such comfort that others can’t have in the world even though they help provide this comfort. Just like many of the workers feel in the US, that the riches of the most wealthy was gained on the backs of the workers, it goes even further and it is gained on the backs and by the blood and suffering of people throughout the world. Millions upon millions of people have died terrible deaths in wars that the US said was just but was done for nothing more than the maintain control over their resources.
The US doesn’t necessarily conquer countries outright. If a government of a country doesn’t comply with the wishes of the US then they simply overthrow the government, making it look like it was done by the people of the country. If this isn’t possible, they invade based on some insane excuse that always pans out to be a lie, but once they are in they can then do whatever they want, whether the public is upset or not. Really, the US population has no control over what the government and the corporations that control the government does. They like to make them pretend that they have some say, such as with their little vote. But whoever they vote for, it will always end up the same, lies told to get into office then, once in, they do something completely different from what they said they will do.
This is another quality of Asperger’s, it will say it as it sees it, with no political correctness or politics. This is what amazes me about Greta Thunberg, a young woman who has the opportunity to tell the leaders just how full of shit they are, and does it all out, without any political rhetoric. Many people say she is a pawn of her parents. These people don’t understand Asperger’s. Asperger’s never lies. It might say an untruth but it’s only because it didn’t know any better. If it finds it’s wrong it will correct itself and admit the mistake.
This too is a good quality of Asperger’s and also it makes it a pain in the ass. While all others, not just politicians but people I work with, the management, and most people in general, go about saying one thing and then doing another, or making excuses for what they are doing, or simply being able to not give a fuck whatsoever, I have to live with my Asperger’s, who will not allow me to do such things.
I’ve started filling out an application for another job at the same company, one that might give me more hours and it will also take me out of the main areas of customers, which is another thing I might need. Customers make it so I can’t hold on to any routine. Add in being short staffed so that I have to cover other departments when a customer cries out for help, desiring me to come over and help them find some needless and worthless object they want to buy, only to tell them it isn’t available and then having to watch them get frustrated or disappointed, well, on top of trying to get my own work done and complete my routine, which is not important to the company itself, well, it is important but so is everything else and I’m supposed to sacrifice myself so that all their desires are met, well, this affects my Asperger’s.
I saved the application before submitting it. I know it might cause some stir, especially with my immediate manager who has been good to me. In fact, in a couple of weeks he is making it so I actually get two days off in a row. Yet he has no power to get me more hours and I need to pay my rent and bills. Plus, I don’t know how I will ever deal with Christmas and the insanity that surrounds that worthless and meaningless holiday, since it doesn’t represent what it’s namesake represented. In fact, I’m sure they will pass a bill in Congress in the next decade to have the name changed to some strange thing, possibly because it isn’t woke. It might become offensive to call it Christmas. In my opinion, it already is. Offensive to the idea of Christ in general who, in my opinion, has nothing to do with Jesus at all.
Okay, so what the fuck. I hope this little vent helps me feel better. I also know that the fact I haven’t been writing regularly has caused some build up in me. I just didn’t know how to put words to the things I’ve been experiencing and, well, in a way, I felt a little ashamed of how I’ve been feeling. Feeling lost and confused at times as all of these things come out me from all directions. My heart simply laughs in a loving way and tells me that it’s okay to feel this way. I’m experiencing something very powerful right now.
Today, when I thought about how I’ve been feeling, it reminded me of times in the past, before I knew I had Asperger’s. When I would feel as I do now, I would usually just quit my job and hope for the best. I would become so confused because I would believe many of the things that my Asperger’s says, because I didn’t understand it then. One of the most difficult things about Asperger’s is not being able to read some situations and people. This is like being blind in many ways.
When things seem to go wrong in all directions my Asperger’s views it as a threat. A threat to it’s routine. It becomes afraid and confused. It tries to understand what is happening. It makes up scenario after scenario, often blaming me for what is happening. Thinking that I did something wrong and that everyone is angry with me and soon the will fire me or kick me out in some way. That they don’t like me anymore.
Thus, when this happens, my first instinct was to run. Get away as fast as I can and let it all reset. Start again somewhere else where they don’t know me. The funny thing is that most all jobs where I have left, they were confused and even upset that I left, because they liked my work and enjoyed having me there.
So, as my heart has taught me, no matter how I feel I just keep going forward. Filling out the application is simply to make my Asperger’s feel that there is a plan B if necessary. But I will wait and go through it. I won’t grovel for hours, because this is humiliating. I won’t worry about where I might live as my heart will take care of this.
If I’m meant to move, even if it seems impossible now with the housing crises and apartments hard to find, I have to accept where I end up, even if this causes my Asperger’s to go crazy. I just have to keep all guns and sharp objects away from my Asperger’s who, when it gets confused to a point where it can’t see any out in anyway, it desires to run away and when there isn’t anywhere to run, it likes to think about just ending this life with the hope that it can simply start another.