It wasn’t too warm today. About the same as yesterday, though there is a pretty powerful North wind blowing. I watched the local weather clip and they said it’s because of the powerful high pressure over the Northwest that is actually keeping it cooler down here and also causing the wind, which doesn’t help with the wildfires. The high is supposed to move more eastward and the forecast for the Northwest coast, which is now in the 100s F. is going to be back into the 60s. That will be a relief for them but it probably means that it will get hotter here.
Oh what a day. I’m so glad tomorrow is my day off. I really need it. I woke up early to watch Wimbledon but it had been rained out. I did get to watch the matches that were in the main stadiums with a roof. Not the ones I wanted to watch but it was tennis and that’s all I really need.
I really wanted to watch Lauren Davis play but the rain began to subside just about the time I had to leave, so I’m watching her match now on demand.
It seems it will be a very pleasant Wimbledon for me because having ESPN+ means no ads. It’s really no different than watching on the Tennis Channel for me. Even the matches being played on regular TV are without commercials for me when I’m streaming them. Such a relief. I didn’t know how I would be able to deal with ads. They ruin everything.
It is a very short match so I assume Lauren doesn’t win. She is a very low ranked player but I just like watching her play so she is one of my favorites. When she is on it is wonderful to watch but she has been in a long slump.
I just don’t know what to say about today. I could tell I was at the end of my rope with people, needing some time away from them. Still, I was able to do my job and get things done.
What was really interesting is that each day I feel even more detached from everything. I know this is something that I used to worry about, the fact if I truly became detached would I still be able to function in the society.
It seems I can. I still do my job and I do so for very different reasons now. It is all based on my own personal code of ethics. I don’t do anything with the desire to impress others. I have a loyalty to my immediate manager because he always fights for me and believes in me, unlike anyone else there, so I focus on the things he gave me to do while he is on vacation.
Of course the manager in charge asked me to help him out in one of his departments because he was behind, but it was how he asked me that was interesting. He asked what I had planned for the day. I told him. He then asked if I could help him out with some back stock. I figured it would be good to help him in case I might need some help. So I agreed to do so after I finished what I was doing.
I helped out for a while then went back to what I needed to finish in my own department.
I was sitting in the break room eating lunch. It was very full which I don’t like. I try to get there when there are few people but they have been hiring a lot of people and today it was full. I had to sit at a side table because it was the only one available. I listened to them all jibber jabber about nothing and then remembered to go get my ear buds and listen to some music by Agnes Obel, which I try to do at lunch each day. This made it a bit better but still I could hear them talking loudly and seeing their animation.
I looked up at the wall and saw a sign by a door, “Fire Exit Only.” It looked so strange to me. As I thought about it I really felt like I would if I were in a foreign country where, in my country, we didn’t have such things. We have exits but they are just doors. We have no need for locked doors that are set aside as “Emergency Exits” because their is no theft in my country. They don’t need to steal because they all live simply and they all have what they need. So all public doors are open and people are free to pass through them at will.
At least this is what I was thinking at the time. It was then when I realized the depth of my detachment.
As I was riding home I was thinking about this and as I was coming to a busy intersection I thought about how if suddenly there was a terrible 20 car pile up that happened right in front of me, with people being thrown from their cars and blood all over the street, I would probably just stand their watching it all happen with little feeling.
This is because of another thought describing how I felt when I saw that exit sign. I truly felt like I was in a movie or in a dream. It all didn’t seem real to me. Not as real as life here used to feel.
This caused me to speculate the possibility that something big is about to happen in the world and my heart is detaching me from any feeling toward what will happen. I can observe it and even experience it with my senses, but it won’t overwhelm me.
This along with another interesting feeling that I’ve touched upon in past posts but I’ve kept from fully expressing it simply because I didn’t know if it would last. This feeling answered another question I have had in life.
I can look upon women and experience their beauty but I feel no sexual arousal or desire for them. In the past, I could experience their beauty but there was also a feeling of animal desire for them also. It is natural feeling in a man. My feelings were probably different from most men but it was still a sexual desire for them that also includes the desire to be with them. That desire to fill some empty space within me through a relationship with a woman that is initiated by sexual desire for her.
Many times throughout my life I had posed the question that if I were to lose this desire, would it also take away my passion, such as in writing, as well as my ability to enjoy beauty?
Well, I can say that it doesn’t. In fact, it allows me to enjoy the beauty even more and see an even greater beauty simply because I am seeing the beauty with pure eyes. With no desire to possess the beauty in order to fulfill some animal desire.
So, it seems that these two things, the feeling of detachment didn’t make it so I can’t function in the society, causing me to have be homeless and just wander about life aimlessly. And the loss of the animal desire didn’t cause me to lose my passion and the joy of experiencing beauty.
To be honest, throughout my life I have desired these things. I have always disdained the animal sexual desire and the feelings that come with it and I’ve always wanted to just detach from the reality of society yet still be able to walk among them and interact with them. It seems my heart has brought about another dream come true for me. It’s amazing how many dreams my heart has caused to come true for me.
Throughout it all today, I still had my smile. The one that finally returned to me. Even my smile is different. Like today, after I got home from work, I looked outside and saw two young girls out running with their little dogs. I caused me to smile. I smile to most people I pass at work. It is a sincere smile but there is nothing extreme about it. It isn’t forced in any way and, because of this, I notice that it causes most people to return the smile to me. Not all but most. Some people simply have no desire to smile so they don’t and won’t for any reason. I can see this in them and this too causes me to smile.
I’m not smiling to make others feel more comfortable or to cause them to think I’m friendly or to impress anyone. I smile because it feels natural. Any cordiality I might have with others, I don’t do for them but to simply, well, follow my personal code of ethics, which states that I love others without expecting anything in return.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t get frustrated and not get to the point where I want to get away from them. No. On my way home I picked up a few things so that I won’t have to go anywhere tomorrow. I have enough food and I will probably not open my front door again until I have to leave for work the next day.
But I still love them. So this detachment and the feeling that this is just a movie or dream and is not real doesn’t cause me to think that life is not of any value. The life it seems that I’m seeing is not the physical bodies that pass before my eyes, though I see them and enjoy them, but the true life is what is within them and somehow from this state of being, I can touch that part of them, if even for a moment and without them being able to block or defend themselves.
I love some of the smiles from others, which are sort of shy smiles, they look down or sort of blush, as if being touched in some way.
Again, I’m just writing my observations of things that I’m experiencing. Will they last? What will come next? I have no idea. I simply observe and experience life as it comes and document what I’m experiencing, which seems to be my sole purpose in this life.
What I do for work or my status in the society has little value in it all. I believe my heart has placed me in this type of work simply because here I get to view the end result of a long process. The end result of consumerism and the deep feeling of lacking the humans feel within themselves, therefore feeling this intense desire to buy things to feel some sense of satiation. Yet day after day they do them same thing, expecting the same result.
There are times when I watch people simply wandering the aisles, stopping and looking at things then moving on at a very slow pace. I can’t help but think that they don’t have anything better to do than to simply walk up and down the aisles looking at things, feeling some sense of satisfaction that they can buy things if they want to, but they are looking for that special something.
All the while, having nothing better to do. In fact, this is their relaxation after a hard day of work or a long week of work. Or, they simply have nothing to do because they don’t work in the traditional sense so all they have to do is go to the store and browse the many aisles lined with things, seeking out that one thing that might cause them to feel some sense of satiation, if only for a moment.