To Feel the Magic

Let there be rain. It is raining a bit today. Some of the monsoon from the South has found it’s way up North. It has lowered the temperatures. Even though it has lowered the temps it has also brought humidity. So it’s not hot but it’s not cool either. I can also feel the humidity in my body. All in all, it is much, much better than the extreme heat we’ve been experiencing. It’s supposed to last for two days then become hot again. It landed perfectly on my day off so I can enjoy it.

The rain comes and goes. Sometimes just a very light sprinkle, other times a bit more. Maybe it will increase more as the day progresses and with the heat of the sun on the clouds. I would like to enjoy some thunder and lightning, though that doesn’t do well for wildfires, of which there are many burning right now so they don’t need anymore.

According to some national survey, the area where I live is in the highest level of dryness in the country which is perfect for wildfires. I would have thought it would be California or something but it’s not, it’s right here. So I guess there were be many more wildfires around here this year. Hopefully it doesn’t become like California last year. I have to say that the government management is better here than in California so they will probably handle it differently.

I’m at one of those points where I sit thinking about what I should write and often don’t know where to start. I thought about writing last night but decided to let things settle some so that I might have a clearer image of what is going on. Rather than having to use many metaphors to describe many different things, wait until the image forms into a more general image.

This morning a word came to mind that seemed to describe it in general. This word is satiated.

It’s a very general description but it is accurate in a very general way. All the new changes that my heart has had me do lately has brought this feeling to me. I can now see that in past months I had been experiencing a great feeling of lacking, a drought of sorts within me. But I think this drought was necessary so I could see the wet season in a different way. A deeper way, which can be seen in some of my recent posts as I have been establishing these changes.

It’s is so difficult to find the words to truly describe what it is that I’m experiencing right now, simply because it is so broad in scope and filled with many details.

In the current state of humanity, it is rather complex to be a person of two spirits. To have a feminine heart that is residing in a masculine physical form. This means that the feminine heart has to express herself upon a masculine canvas physical form.

The interesting thing about doing this is that the more I do this a sort of magic starts to happen. There is a certain balance that starts to form within me, creating this feeling of satiation.

Women are my primary focus. This is because I am of the feminine and women are the expression of the feminine. They have both the feminine within them and are also the physical expression of the feminine. This is why, when I look upon their form, I feel great admiration and adoration for them. This admiration and adoration isn’t so much directed at them as individuals but as expressions of the feminine as a whole. I can see something beautiful in each and every woman. In seeing this beauty, I find myself focusing my energy on this beauty and, in a way, projecting it onto each woman I encounter.

It’s not so much something I have conspired to do or planned out. It just happens. I see a woman and, in a way, she takes my breath away because of her great beauty. In my mind I seemingly tell her how beautiful and great she is. That she is much more than what this society allows her to be.

This is the interesting thing about it. Though there seems to have been great progress in the rights of women, they are still seen as subordinate to men. Most women have come to accept this because, by doing so, they can attain a sense of comfort and security from it. Just knuckle under, allow the man to exploit her desire to serve and make others happy in exchange for a sense of comfort and security.

This is a way for women to fill a sense of lacking within them. Seeking some sense of completion within their service to the masculine by providing them a family and caring for that family.

As I experience this feeling of satiation after a period of feeling a great lacking, I can observe those things which caused me to feel such a great sense of lacking. This lacking was caused by not allowing my heart to express herself fully. This alone proves that I am not my physical form but I am what is within this physical form.

Through this I can observe that, in the current state of humanity, which is primarily focused in the physical, lives based on their physical appearance more than who they truly are within themselves. This is probably because of the strict rules of physical behavior that have been imposed upon them. If they desire to feel connection with others they have to portray themselves in ways that are acceptable based on the standards of physical appearance and behavior that have been mandated. Breaking these standards often leads to being ostracized from the herd.

You can observe this in how most people react to differences from these standards.

With the seeming progress that women have made in relation to their rights, in most ways, this has only created a sense of tolerance by the masculine, not acceptance of these rights to be equal. Women attain these limited rights simply because the masculine allows it. The masculine can easily take away these rights if they so desire.

One can see this is sexual crimes against women, where the larger percentage of these crimes go without any prosecution. Many rape kits aren’t even examined. Women are still often blamed for this happening to them and their perspective on the incident viewed as being irrational and emotional.

This same tolerance can be seen in other people who are different from the standard, such as LGBTQ people as well as black people. Both have seemingly made some sort of progress in this society in relation to their rights, but these rights only create a sense of tolerance, not acceptance.

Though many people might interact with these people civilly, within their minds they still see them as different and lesser than themselves. They still judge LGBTQ people as being perverted and black people as being less than themselves.

With women, LGBTQ and black people, all progress has done nothing but create a sense of legal tolerance for their existence, not actual rights or any sense of equality to the ruling white, masculine rule that still holds the power in the current state of humanity.

As I’ve said before, the feminine doesn’t fight in the physical, which is the realm of the masculine. If she did then she would be defeated. She fights through the heart which is her realm. In the heart resides the true self while most people are living lives based on a finite form for which they put all their time, thought and energy into. This form is otherwise known as the “ego.”

I can now see that the “storms” I experience within me are nothing more than the “ego” inside of me fighting against my heart. It’s like something I heard about how humans, being the animals that they are, will fight to survive until the end. It is instinctual for them to fight against death.

This is the masculine, physical need for survival. Survival of the physical body. Thus, people put all their effort into trying to maintain this finite body so as to hope they can cause it to survive as long as they can while often times neglecting their true self who resides within the physical form.

The “magic” for me comes as I begin to further express my true self within upon the canvas of the physical. They are actions that seem unnecessary and even irrational to those who dedicate their lives to the spiritual, but by doing them something else happens beyond the simple act. This is the “magic.”

This reveals that there is a connection between what is within the physical form and the physical form itself. They work together not against each other. When one fights against the other then all that occurs is conflict. A conflict that can be seen in most people as they struggle with something inside of them that they can’t describe because they haven’t been taught of it’s existence because all teaching is based solely on the physical. Yet this inner aspect of them is still there, basically tormenting them, simply because they are fighting against it and preventing it from expressing itself, thus leading to a sense of constant conflict and, most of all, a great sense of lacking within them.

This lacking then causes them to find other ways to attempt to fill this lacking. They go out and buy things. It is interesting that others are noticing the great rise in consumption that is happening now. There seems to be a great lacking happening right now within the whole of the society.

I was speaking with one of the vendors who visits my department at work and I mentioned to her that we are receiving a lot of merchandise but still I can’t keep the shelves full. She said it is this way at other stores she visits. Some are much more busy than ever before.

In relation to the great lacking I had been experiencing, some of which I had documented, this lacking all had to do with my preventing my heart from fully expressing herself.

I wrote about a powerful envy I felt toward women and their form, which was bordering on jealous rage. Yet there was also another feeling that I felt during this time. I was the animal desire for the feminine form. Both of which prevent me from experiencing the true nature of the feminine within the woman. Both of these feelings lead to a sense of illusion. An illusion brought forth by desire. A desire that was created due to a lacking. A lacking that was formed because I wasn’t allowing my heart to fully express herself.

So, by doing simple rituals that my heart has given to me, which allow me to use the tools of feminine expression that are being used in this period of human history, it then raises the feminine within me and literally brings her forth from the depths, the caverns within me that she had been forced to live within and to come out into the light, expressing herself fully.

In many ways, this is the true blooming of the self. Not in what a person looks like physically but the revealing of the true self within the physical form.

I no longer feel any envy for the female form, as I get to experience it upon myself. This also led to the great reduction of the animal desire for the female form, which I believe is caused simply by feeling a disconnection from others, primarily women.

As I continue to perform these rituals, the best way to describe what I feel is that I no longer feel separate from women but I feel as I am one of them. This allows all those feelings of disconnection from them to disappear. When disconnected I was seeking, if only in an illusionary or through fantasy, to connect with them sexually in the physical. I believe this is true in many people. They seek to make connection to others solely through physical intimacy because they are unable to connect through their true hearts, simply because they don’t understand their own hearts, therefore they are not connected to their own hearts.

Well, as I said at the beginning of this post, what I’m experiencing is very broad in scope with many details within it. I tried to express what I could as this helps me to bring it all together into an image that can more fully describe it. Or an image that can be describe.

I can’t say that what I’ve written today will make any sense to most people as I’ve tried to connect so many dots in such as small space. But I’m not writing for others to understand per say. This writing will bring together these things within me, causing them to become even more real and thus, the other form of “magic” can reveal itself.

So there are two forms of “magic” that I now have access to. One is my writing and the other is allowing my heart to express herself onto the canvas of the physical.

I can say that I’m beginning to experience the rewards of this magic in many ways. Being able to view things within me, my physical form and it’s relation to my heart as well as see it within others in how I view them. Being able to easily discern the differences between the programming that is within others and their true self. Being able to see their true beauty as express from their hearts or true selves even if shrouded by the blackness of their current state of being. No longer experiencing such a lacking that prevented me from experiencing these things.

All of this from putting on a little make up, painting a fingernail or two, wearing a bra with false breasts, all of which, using the tools of this period of history, allow my feminine heart to express herself upon the canvas of the physical, ultimately allowing me to experience the true feminine within me, who is not all of these outward expressions, but a much grander expression who transcends all of these physical things. Yet, ironically, cannot be experienced without connecting the heart with the physical, being that, in true reality, they are one just as we are all one with the universe as a whole.