The day is warming up nicely. It’s already hot and getting hotter. It’s supposed to break 100 F. today. I didn’t get out to do things as early as I wanted to do today. There was another issue in getting a package from the hub so I waited until the apartment manager’s office opened to resolve it. Of course, when I got there only one person was there and she was going through everything with a prospective tenant. So I sat down and waited. Then she didn’t hear me correctly when I gave her my apartment number, causing her to become confused saying there is no package. We then went over to the hub and I watched her enter the information. I saw that she was putting in the wrong number. I corrected her and the door opened with my package.
Such is life in the modern world. A time when everything is supposed to flow seamlessly due to the wonders of technology yet requires far more patience that life did before technology. Back then we were just accustomed to having to wait for something to arrive rather than arriving in overnight or even in a few hours. Yet, this speed is often hindered by a constant string of problems that again cause people to have to wait, feeling the company broke their promise in some way because they promised it on a certain date.
I have learned to take it easy with it. Go through the motions to bring all the broken connections together.
I woke today in a slightly insecure mood. It happens. I was a little groggy and didn’t have much energy. Still, I have to do the new rituals that my heart has given me to do. Rituals that, in that type of mood, causing me to feel even more insecurity.
My heart told me to embrace the vulnerable feelings and allow her to control the outcome. The outcome will not always be something I enjoy per say but it is all in how I respond to each outcome. This is the true teaching.
This reminded me of what a Zen Master might do with their students, often confusing them with meaningless answers to their questions and causing them to go on meaningless journeys believing they are going to some destination only to be frustrated when it leads to nowhere. In the end, it’s all about how they learn to respond to these things. It’s all about patience. Not just patience but letting go completely and allowing things to form as they form, without trying to control them.
My heart pointed out that my insecure feelings are nothing more than me trying to control the situation. I have a different image in my mind of what I might look like and I am projecting future scenarios that I have no right or control to project. I have no control over the outcome, I can only do what I can in the moment. Right now, it’s all about expressing my true self, my heart, to the world.
My heart pointed out that all that is changing is I’m going from invisible to seen. I’m being seen as the expression of my heart. This expression is using the available tools of this period of human history that depict the feminine that is my heart. If it were another time she would use different tools.
Make up and everything else are just tools. I’ve come to make make up a daily ritual. I don’t wear it to work but when I come home I put on some, not all. I then wash it off before I go to bed.
I realized that, in a way, I’m doing this for the same reason that I first started shaving my legs. I was doing it then to feel some of the burdens that women experience. Now I love having shaved legs and wouldn’t have it any other way. This went to shaving my arm pits and pretty much most of my body hair. It is now a regular ritual that I’ve been doing for years now, since the beginning of the journey.
My heart pointed out that even those things were more difficult in the beginning because my mind wasn’t yet ready to accept it. I would worry about stupid things like if I die in my sleep what will people think of my body, wearing panties and a bra while being smoothly shaven and skin silky soft from my sacred oil.
I would often laugh at this because I won’t be here to see this so who cares. But it shows that insecurity that goes into most all facets of my life. That fear of being found out and in being found out, cast out as members of my family often did to me early in my life.
All of these things I do are rituals and routines that are no different than rituals and routines of any devout religion. Think of the ridicule that Orthodox Jews often go through as they dress and live differently from the rest of the society. They bear it with a pride in a sense. An honor to be ridiculed for their “god.”
It is an honor for me to ridiculed for my heart.
Still, this is all new to me, coming out to the world around me. My heart is very available to me now and is guiding me through. She says that it might be uncomfortable now but I will be amazed at where it all takes me. Most all of my worldly concerns will gradually resolve themselves simply by adhering to the rituals that my heart gives to me and my willingness to endure ridicule from others, not viewing it as a negative but a positive. It’s interesting that even this brings to mind something Jesus said:
“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you.”
As I’ve been doing this I’ve noticed new insights appearing. Such as just how much women and men are still separated and divided. Even down to what razor blades are specifically made for them, which the only difference is the color of the razor itself.
I buy all things made for women, from razor blades to antiperspirant, which I don’t enjoy wearing but do so in the hot months. I’ve found that in the cooler months I simply put my scented sacred oil under my arms and it does the trick.
With my insecure feeling day came added things such as being clumsy. Everything I touch seems to fall down somehow. Again, my heart said that she is bringing forth the outcomes and it is all about how I respond to each outcome.
At the grocery store I was in the self checkout with a hand basket. I put it on the shelf that isn’t large enough to hold it entirely. A soon as I took some things out it feel to the floor scattering some of the items on the floor. A man next to me came over to help pick it up and there was make up and a pink bag with women’s razors in it. Today I bought some nude eye shadow to try that out and I like it very much.
I was surprised because if I think of how I would have reacted to this in the past, my heart would have jumped and I would have been shaking. But I wasn’t. I simply bent over and started picking things up, allowing the man to drop the things he picked up into the basket. There I am, with a pretty purple painted pinky finger nail, nude pink lip tint, mascara. All of which isn’t overly noticeable but if they looked closely it would be there.
So I will say that I was slightly self conscious today. My heart is never condemning in any way. In fact she confirmed that this is good. Simply because it’s like experiencing the dark before the light. Much like what happened to me yesterday at work, where I had imagined some dark outcome that actually ended up being very light simply because my heart ruled the outcome simply because I am open to her handling each situation in the moment, rather than coming from the physical insecurities and improper projections coming from my limited mind.
My heart only works in the moment. Never in from the past nor in the future though she can predict the future based on my own actions. If I act through her then this will form an outcome. If I work on my own then it is another outcome entirely. Thus the essence of free will. As I’ve said many times before, free will comprises of only two choices, not many choices.
These new experiences bring forth the insight of just how divided and separated men and women continue to be. Still similar to that of the Orthodox Jews, Mormon and other religions, where women are divided from the men in most every way, from duties to even having to be separated when meeting.
It may not be as extreme in the secular world but there is still a great divide. It’s not a divide that is so much physical, as in literally physical separation, but it is a divide between how each one expresses themselves.
This is true of most things in the modern era which is supposed to be more progressive than older eras. The same repression still exists only it is done in different ways, mostly from the inside out. They have found ways to control people from the inside causing them to, in a sense, police themselves. It is the very foundation of all the anxiety and depression that so many people feel as their true hearts are repressed deep inside of them and the space that the heart usually fills is filled with their own interpretation of what it is to be human. An interpretation that still relies on antiquated ideas, just translated into what seem as being more modern.
They’ve learned how to simply change the wording of something to make it seem like it is something different when, in fact, it is just the same. This is what my heart has recently defined as the “programming” of humans. Humans are constantly being programmed to like and dislike certain things, often believing it is because of their own personal choice. Ultimately, within these seemingly new trends of likes and dislikes remains the foundational premise that goes back thousands of years, One of those being the division and separation of men and women, the very cause of all the disharmony within humanity.
My heart pointed out that this same divide still remains within me and these new rituals and routines are meant to exorcize this division from within, causing the divide and separation within me to narrow and one day to become truly equal within me.
At the same time, by causing this to happen within me causes it to happen outside of me, since all conscious awareness is about manifestion. All that we see around us today is the manifestation of humanity. In a way, one could say that their inevitable destruction is their desire and it very much seems that way simply through observing them each day. They sit here today, facing their own destruction yet continue to go on as if nothing has changed.
Yet, it’s not necessarily their fault because they are not necessarily the authors of the programming that is constantly being injected into them through every aspect of their lives. It is so intense that it could be seen as a great siege of their hearts by a huge and powerful bombardment of very powerful weapons.
Yes, the programming is meant to do one thing, to divide humans from their hearts.
One of my earlier theories seems to continue to pan out. It is about how each human has a different “god.” I’ve pictured this in many ways, such as groups of humans coming from a different seed of “gods” thus causing them to live the attributes of those “gods.”
It’s really even more detailed than this. Each person has a “god” within them. This “god” is their heart. This is where the “heaven” that Jesus speaks of resides. What you do in this life directly affects your relationship to your heaven. Either you shut the doors of your heaven to yourself or you open the doors of your heaven to yourself. Again, free will only has two choices.
All of this programming is meant to cause people to shut the doors on their own heaven and thus cause them to disconnect from their own hearts, their “gods.”
Each heart is not necessarily a “god” of everything but a “god” of you. Each heart is merely an attribute of the one “god” which is the universe as a whole. We are all an attribute of the universe as a whole. Through this connection, seemingly individual in nature as we might relate to our own hearts, with each heart seemingly expressing an individual attribute of it’s own, they are all fully and wholly connected to the universe as a whole simply because they are all the universe as a whole.
Thus, by separating themselves from their own hearts, which then separates them man and women and also separates them by color and race, disabilities and basically ever difference that one can think of, suddenly you find a large group of humans, each individually alone, without any connection to anything but themselves.
The very foundational purpose of the programming is to divide humanity and thus use humanity for purposes other than that of their true purpose, which is to express the universe, or their particular attribute of the universe, thus revealing the universe in her entirety through a joining of individual expressions combined into one grand image. The grand image of life and the universe in her entirety.