The Heart Rising

Today was another very hot day. It seems the common theme right now as the forecast seems to say nothing more than the same. The air has become terrible with the stagnant air and all the wildfires burning. This Summer is unfolding as a drought ridden season would look like. Cars still fill the roads and highways. People still go about doing the things that are so important to them. They go to work so they can later go to the store and buy things.

I watched a video clip this morning about how the unemployment rate took a sudden spike upward, now when there is plenty of work. They talked about how so many are blaming the extra unemployment benefits as the cause. Yet they talked about how this isn’t the whole reason. It seems the virus caused people to rethink their lives and what is important to them, along with the type of job they want to work, so people are seemingly finding other ways to make a living outside the standard ways. Others are simply not willing to go back to work for such low wages.

It seems the country is changing in many ways, as one would think would happen after a virus brought it to a near halt.

As for me, it seems things continue to change. Today I did something I’ve been wanting to do while, at the same time, was hesitant to do. I told my immediate manager about my Asperger’s. He took it very well. In fact, he has two people in his family who have Asperger’s. I think this is why he is so patient with me and my quirks even if he didn’t know I had Asperger’s.

This all came about because of something that happened yesterday. My immediate manager is about to leave for a two week vacation. I have been concerned about this because he is basically the only buffer I have from all the other managers who aren’t so patient with me.

Yesterday he was off work and I came to work a few minutes early as I always do. I put my things in my locker and then wandered to the break room to wait until it was time to start. As I did another manager who was in charge at the time came rushing in behind me. He was very urgent in what he had to say. A person in his department called in sick and he needed me to help out there before starting in my department. I said, “Ok.” and nothing else. It’s usually what I say when someone asks me to do something.

I walked back into the office to clock in but I still had another couple of minutes. So I stood there, sort of groggy because I was a little tired. The day before had been a very hectic day at work and I was just a little tired.

This manager then asked me what was wrong with me. I said, “Nothing.” He then said, “You look bummed out. Like you’re bummed out that I asked you to help me.”

I said, “I’m just tired. I’m getting in the mode.” The fact is that I hadn’t even clocked in and he shouldn’t be talking to me about work before I had clocked in.

Well, last night this came to mind and I felt like he was accusing me of having a bad attitude. This man really doesn’t care much for me. When he’s in charge he is always watching me as if looking for me to do something wrong.

So I decided to find my immediate manager first thing today and talk with him about it. Well, it seems it flared up into much more. I heard the upper manager calling in this lower manager to come into his office. Well, it seems that things will be calm for me while my immediate manager is gone.

At the same time, I told my immediate manager of my Asperger’s. It just seemed like a good time. I found it interesting that I didn’t say any of the other things that had come to mind from the night before and that morning while I was thinking about what I would say. It was all pretty much straight to he point. I could tell it was my heart who was talking.

My immediate manager talked about how his departments are all finally running smoothly, which is something that is difficult in this business as it requires having the right employees in the right positions all taking care of their part. He has built this and I am one of those employees filling my part where he doesn’t have to worry about my department.

It was very interesting how all of this changed from how I felt when I came to work. I was concerned that, in a way, some of the other managers were out to get me. It’s felt that way since I came back, with this politics over who is the department manager. My immediate manager making me department manager then his manager taking it away from me and giving to another person. This happened while my immediate manager was away on life. When he came back he fought to get me back into the position.

I really don’t like dealing with this and I was going to come in today and say that I don’t care what I do, I just need the hours and work. That I don’t want to deal with the politics anymore.

What was interesting was I truly felt at that time, before the meeting, that some of the manager were trying to find fault in me so as to get rid of me. When I rode up to work, the place where I lock my bike was taken by another bike. It is near the employee entrance. It was the first time it has ever been taken. Even this caused me to feel some sort of change of this sort was about to happen. That it was in my fate that I was leaving.

But it all turned out in the complete opposite. I can see that much of this comes from my Asperger’s, where it is difficult for me to read some people and situations. This is something I pointed out to my immediate manager. I said that it’s why I often come to him asking about some situations so I can understand them and, in a way, it was why I was having this meeting with him.

It was a lesson for me, or more of an experience, where I could literally see all of this play out in my mind and then seeing the reality of it. Some of it was real but not to the extent that my mind had made it out to be. Thus, my heart, who was the one in the meeting, sorted out what I needed to say from all the things I was thinking of saying, and it came out very nice. I went from feeling completely isolated and outcast to feeling even more included with some importance in my job.

This is all coming to play as I continue to expand my feminine expression to the physical world. Today a few more things came, such as my caps and nail polish. I painted my left pinky with purple polish. Since it is water soluble it takes a few coats but it turned out nicely for my first time ever doing it.

With Prime Day happening today and the fact that some of the things I had previously ordered were from small businesses, so Amazon gave me $10 credit for each of these purchases to spend on Prime Day, instead of clothes or anything, I bought something I’ve always wanted, a vintage leather backpack.

My current backpack is a cheap Walmart pack that has holes all over in it. I could have simply gone and bought another cheap pack but my heart pointed out as I was looking at it that all of this is about more than just feminine things. It is about making myself feel good. I am someone who always carries by backpack with me. It’s part of my life. And, in a way, because of the look of this new backpack, it’s sort of like a purse for me in a way.

I can also so that the image I am forming as my heart expresses herself is more androgynous, though leaning more toward the feminine. This pack a woman or a man would enjoy and I know I will enjoy it. Plus, I got it for only a few dollars more than a cheap pack would have cost me.

When I came home from work I was a bit tired. It wasn’t a painful tired but a very relaxed tired. All that had happened today calmed me down very much. And, with the added features of my heart now being able to express herself upon the canvas of this body, with much more to come, it is like a sort of miracle is happening in my life. More like a transformation.

I wanted to write earlier but, like I said, I was just tired and wanted to relax, as tomorrow is my day off. I also wanted to just enjoy the mellow feeling I was feeling.

I ate and then searched for something to watch. I came upon the new version of “Dumbo” that Tim Burton did with Disney. I only watched about 20 minutes before I was asleep in my recliner.

I woke up near the end, or the last 30 or so minutes. I was enjoying what I saw and suddenly saw an image of my own life. I could see, like a fairy tale, something happening in my life as I open up the expression of my heart to the physical world.

I could see that something very important about this process is that people are going to look at me and some are going to judge me. They are going to look at my painted fingernails and think it odd for this older man to be painting his nails. Or them might see the blush, eye shadow, lip stick or mascara that I might put on, even if subtly, and think I’m strange. Maybe some men will look at me as a lesser being as they do with women, trying to humiliate me with their hard looks.

Yet, this is what has to happen and, as my heart told me last week when I first went out with a little make up on, that I’m to go out as if this is all normal to me. To not be self conscious of it and to not care what other people think.

Today my heart pointed out that is more than just not caring but enjoying the looks as they are exposed to the expression of my heart unveiling herself to the physical world. To be proud and honored to be revealing who I truly am to the world.

At this point, while still watching “Dumbo” I saw this story of a man who all of his life saw himself as a terrible and ugly ogre who no one wanted and was destined to be alone for the rest of his life, suffering in his ugliness.

Then one day, as if in a fairy tale, all that he is on the inside, all of his beauty, comes forth and transforms this ugly ogre into a beautiful being, even though his feature really haven’t changed.

My heart tells me that putting on make up and other things isn’t about making this physical body beautiful in some way. It’s about expressing who I am on the inside onto this body. The only reason it can’t be beautiful is because of the societal standards imposed upon the image of the man, dividing and separating him from the woman, who he has also separated and divided from the man, thus causing a great imbalance that is leading humanity to their own self imposed destruction.

As for me, by doing these things, I can see that this journey, which has allowed my heart to fulfill all of my deepest dreams, will continue to bring to life those dreams that were once seen as impossible while I suffered as the undesired ogre alone in his cave, are all now possible. As I allow my heart to express herself upon the physical world, in a way, it causes a transformation not only in me but in everything around me which is my life as a whole.

Well, that’s the best I can describe all of this right now. It’s all coming on so fast and it’s all new so I can only do the best I can.