Here I am again in another day. It is another hot day but not quite as hot as the last couple of days. It’s still hot. I watched a news clip about the drought here. Ranchers are selling of cattle and many farmers are simply letting some crops go and dry up because of the water restrictions. They said that there probably won’t be any food shortages yet, as along as the drought only last a year. They also said something I had said before, they can always import food from other countries. A lot of the fruits and vegetables I buy are from Mexico. So they will profit from it.
I didn’t write yesterday mainly because I was a little disappointed because my package didn’t arrive. I was really looking forward to that package. I didn’t know how much until I saw it was delayed. But it came today and all is well. Much better than well.
I am really enjoying how my perspective is changing with all the changes happening to me now. A much more pure and natural perspective. It’s still forming and it will continue to form as I continue to make more changes.
As with after every great expansion period, I have those storms. Those storms continue for about a week, but each day they become less and less. I’ve noticed that they too are important to the process because they do reveal things in the raw. Things that, at first, might be painful to experience but I can then look at them and, with the guidance of my heart, see them in a different way.
One of this was something that came up this morning in the storm. I was focused on my Asperger’s, my mind going back into the past and seeing it all to real in my life. My first thought was, “I was that last to know.” because everyone else knew there was something different about me, even if they didn’t know the exact word for it. I now know it’s why my step brother once said that he bet I wouldn’t have survived past 30.
It is interesting how my family just let me flounder through life. Really, there wasn’t much they could do but they could have shown they cared in some way. But they just let me flounder and make a fool of myself in life maybe with the hope that whatever it was would just go away one day.
It’s true that even if they knew it was Asperger’s they wouldn’t have been able to convince me of it. I would have said they were crazy. It’s something that you just have to come to understand for yourself on your own. That’s what’s so crazy about it. But maybe I would have come to accept it if I actually trusted them. I have very little trust in my family. Like I said in my last post, my mother’s form of support was to put me in a mental institution because I was putting on her clothes.
The rest of my family’s support was to just watch from a distance, almost afraid of me, and just hope that somehow it would just go away. But it didn’t. It actually got worse as time went on.
I thought about being able to join again with my family, my sister, nieces and nephews. It simply wouldn’t work. They experienced some of the worst of it and some of it was directed toward them. The one thing about my family is that they are not forgiving and they never forget. My closest sister is the only one who is hesitant but still keeps in touch.
Yes, it was terrible. The outright fits and emotional outbursts followed by disappearing for years from them. I was terrified. Terrified of this thing inside of me that I didn’t understand.
What’s interesting is that this thing inside of me wasn’t just Asperger’s but also the fact that I have a feminine heart, something that my family told me on several occasions they would never accept.
What a terrible situation I was in and no wonder I suffered so much anxiety and depression.
Yet, the ironic part of it all, all this pain caused me to use my intense focus which is a trait of Asperger’s and studied and practiced spirituality in many ways. I also studied a lot of philosophy, combined with a great interest in history.
As I was going through all of these memories, at times feeling very uncomfortable, my heart pointed out something to me, combining it with the purpose of this journey she has been taking me on.
The combination of the Asperger’s and having a feminine heart is what makes it possible for me to see between worlds. Like I’ve said many times before in my life, it’s like I have one foot in the spiritual world and one foot in the physical world.
The only reason I could go on this journey with my heart is because of the combination of the two. They only reason I can see what others can’t seem to see is because of this combination.
Though I suffered greatly throughout my life because of this combination, they are also the very foundation of the gifts I now enjoy.
I simply had to release my hold on those things which made me miserable. The images of what the society and my family told me to be. Basically let go of everything that I once lived for through that programming. The same programming that most every other person I see each day lives within.
It is this that I was feared simply because by doing this I feared I would be alone in the world. In fact, the result was the complete opposite. Just because I don’t connect with the things of the society and the programming that is within the people, doesn’t mean that I’m not connected to them. I’m connected to them through the very thing that they seem to not be able to see, through the heart. Connecting to who they truly are, not what they portray themselves to be in the physical based on the programming that runs in their minds brought to them by the society.
This is something interesting I keep running into lately. Yesterday was a very strange day at work. It seemed that everyone was just mean. People were rude and crude. Even when I was riding home from work I ran into a very rude man driving his car.
I was riding my bike through a parking lot, not going very fast. I was riding toward the exit when I saw a car pull out of a parking spot on one of the side roads of the lot.
As I came closer to the exit, the same exit he was going toward, I had the right of way as I was going straight and he would have to turn into it. He sped right in front of me. Like I said, I wasn’t going very fast but I didn’t stop. I just keep rolling toward him until I was about to hit his car. I then casually put on the brakes and stop. He too stopped at the same time. He turned and stared at me. I just smiled large and shook my head at him. He then sped off, squealing his tires.
I saw so many women who were just terrible. Women that I always say I love and adore. My heart reminded me that what I see that I love and adore is still there. I have to remember that what they are expressing is the programming that they have been taught by the society. It is this programming that reveals the ugliness of each person. Yet, still remains within them, even if it’s repressed to the point of near non-existence, is their heart, and this is what I’m able to see.
I can see this heart even more now that I’m allowing the feminine to expand within me again. Today I received my sports bras and I immediately opened them, put in the fake breasts and put them on. Just as I used to do when I would put them on, I sighed a great sigh of relief.
I can’t say why this is in general. But it is a symbol. A very powerful symbol of the feminine. I can also see and feel some of the feminine form on my body. Enjoy the weight. They aren’t large breasts. Only As. Larger than I expected and they do show very much under a shirt. But I can feel the weight and they are good ones so they feel and move very real.
This time I got the right size bra. I measured this time. My last bras were a size too small. They weren’t uncomfortable but just a little snug. These are very nice. I also get padded bras because I can use the pocket to put the breasts in. Usually have to cut the slot a little larger to get the breast in. These stretch just enough so I didn’t have to alter them. Altogether, it is perfect and I feel normal again.
My heart has been telling me lately that I’m to take this even further. To make it my way of life. To allow my heart to become nearly my sole expression. She told me not to worry about oppressing the masculine as they are working together in harmony within me. In fact, by doing this only increases the harmony because even within me was the same imbalance that humanity is experiencing. I’m simply raising up the feminine and lower the masculine within me, just what needs to happen within humanity as a whole for balance and harmony to come to them.
I have passed many hours looking at clothes, searching for what will work for me. I came upon something that might just work. As I wrote before, because I’m in a man’s body, it might be better to wear a little more baggy clothes. Well, I came upon plus sized clothes and I found some shirts that are amazing. Feminine but not too feminine. They are simply camp shirts or plaid shirts. They are long and soft. Not at all masculine. Short sleeved and I can wear them open with another shirt underneath. The colors are amazing. Just what I’ve been looking for.
They are a little costly though. But because of this, I’ve found many other clothes that will work, all plus sized. I have been just putting them all in my wish list.
I also found some nice braclets. One of lapis lazuli balls. A stretch bracelet. I also found others of Amethyst and many other semi precious stones. I could mix them. They would look very nice. They are all natural stones, at least that’s that the description says and they aren’t all too expensive.
This morning I was in the bathroom and I saw more wear from the 15 years I’ve lived here. This caused a slight feeling of concern. What is to come when my lease us up? Is there any damage that I might have to pay for? I find it interesting that I never saw these things before, simply because for years I had been lost in my pain. Now I can see things more clearly.
I found it interesting that I didn’t feel anxious about it, just concerned. At this point my heart said to right now focus solely on expressing my heart. Don’t let anything get in the way. By the clothes I need and everything I need so that I can feel this expression coming forth, not only physically, but by making these physical changes it will open me up to a new dimension within myself. The dimension where, well, things can happen.
Like she told me before, if I make these these changes, all the concerns I have wiil find their solutions naturally. Focus only on the heart and the heart will bring forth all these other things. Just as Jesus said:
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”