It’s another very hot day, breaking 100 F. again. This morning I didn’t think it would get this hot because there was a cloud cover and they said there was a 2% chance of rain. Well, it broke through and hot it became.
Today didn’t start very well. Last night I had another storm. It seems these storms often come at times of great expansion. Almost an opposite effect or even something or someone trying to tempt me from believing all that I’ve experienced.
It was a very powerful storm. Yet, it is interesting how I face them now. They hit while I’m still sleeping so they wake me up in the storm, which often causes me to become confused at first. It is at these times when my thoughts can connect with the feelings and thus for a period of time I find myself questioning everything. Feeling as if I’m in some sort of reality trip and it is trying to pull me back into the reality of society through a sense of guilt and anxiety.
It didn’t take me long to catch on and pulled my thoughts back from it, just lying there feeling the feelings wondering why I have to do through this again and so powerfully. After a little while I got up and took a good dose of Theanine and 25mg of Benadryl and within about 30 minutes I went back to sleep, sleeping till my alarm.. I just don’t take them all that serious anymore. This one, if I had experienced it in the past, would have lead to a severe and crippling anxiety attack that could have lasted for a long time.
When I did wake up to get ready for work, I was a bit beat up from it still. I was dreading going in to work, feeling completely out of sorts. But one of my hearts rules is to always keep going forward, which I did.
I settled down in no time at work. Even the bike ride was calming. As I went through the day I noticed something was a little different in my perspective. As the day went on it became more clear as to what it was. It all comes back to the things I’ve starting doing in my life in recent days and how it is affecting things in the grander arena.
I realized that in the past few months I had become a little angry and agitated. I wasn’t as patient with some things, especially people. Now, as I make these changes, which is really only going back to the way things were a few months ago, I am seeing things more like I saw them back then, when I could see and enjoy the beauty in people, mainly women.
I realized that I had actually become angry with women. I thought back to some of the things I had written in the past month or so where I rant on and on about how they dress, often dressing like whores. Then a powerful realization came upon me. It all stems from the envy I feel for the feminine form. Yet, it had gone beyond envy into a near jealous rage.
It all started when I got rid of all the women things I once had and wore each and every day when I was at home during the main part of this journey. For two years I did this and I felt so, well, comfortable and at home within myself.
All of this reminded me of my life, where from as early as 8 years old, I craved and desire to wear women’s clothes. I tried to hide it from others, though my mother found out and confronted me with telling that if I don’t stop then she will send me away to a psychiatric hospital.
This may have delayed it but it didn’t stop it. Later in life, if I found myself alone for a period of time and women’s clothes were available I would put them on. Not as some sexual fetish but for that brief time I would feel normal in myself. Comfortable.
Yet, this got me kicked out of my oldest sister’s house when I was living with them.
So one can see why this tormented me throughout my life, having an uncontrollable desire to do it followed by guilt and fear in doing it. Always fearing that someone would find out and then send me away.
Well, things changed with the journey, when I opened up about it in my blogs and wrote very honestly about it. It also led to a great spiritual journey.
Today I heard a thought pass through my mind saying, “This just isn’t fair. Me in this man’s body but I’m a female.” Most people can’t realize just how painful it is for me to see a woman and not desire to possess her but to have her form. To see the clothes that she wears and wish with all my heart that I could wear those clothes. I see some of the most beautiful dresses and would give anything to openly be able to wear something so beautiful.
I was looking at Sarees and my mouth was watering at their beauty and how they look like goddess apparel and how I wish I could wear them. The colors of some of them are out of this world.
It can be really painful at times. Yet, I understand why I am like I am. If I were in a woman’s body I probably would be lacking the deep spirituality and abilities that I have to live in both the spiritual and the physical world. The great understandings that I have and the deep connection to my heart to teaches me some of the most amazing things.
I’m part of bringing the two universes together. The universe of the feminine and that of the masculine. Thus I am both. My heart is feminine and my body is masculine. Native Americans thought of those with two spirits as being very spiritual beings.
Yet, when I see others of this “condition” they don’t necessarily seem all that spiritual. They seem to be more focused on the vanity. On the body and changing the body so they look as much like a woman as possible.
Even though this might seem vain, they are still doing the same thing that I’m doing, bringing the two universes together. I, on the other hand, am aware of the process that is happening. I don’t know if this gives me any advantage or not, or if it’s just a curse, but it is my reality and, well, I don’t know if I could live without it, even though the great expansions that come within are very exhausting and at times I don’t know how many more I can survive and at times wish they would stop.
With all of this said, as I written in previous posts, I’ve begun allowing myself to express the feminine again. Even more so that before. I thought about what I did each day when I came home from work. As quickly as I could I would take off those work clothes and put on my bra, false breasts, a feminine shirt with leggings or yoga pants. This made me feel balanced even though to the society all of this might seem strange.
It doesn’t seem to serve any purpose, but it does and I’m only now truly realizing it. Just as I had those cravings in the past, several months ago when I panicked because of things happening in my life at the time and got rid of those things, I was denying myself these things. Just like with sin, where if you fight against sin, sin will always fight against you, thus giving sin it’s power. Once you just accept sin and give into it, the sin loses it’s power and it can no longer tempt you. This is the great irony of what religion teaches and the fact that they teach that they must fight against sin simply so they will always be sinners and in need of the church.
It’s the same thing here, where I had denied myself these things and thus was actually fighting against them. It made my life miserable and, most of all, it made my envy of the female form into a near jealous rage, even becoming angry at women for having what I most desire.
When I was able to come home and see and feel those things on me, it took away most of this envy and simply allowed me to admire the beauty of the female form. To adore them and desire to serve and love them as expressions of the feminine energy of the universe. Showing my love and dedication to the feminine through my love and admiration of her expression in the female form.
I think it was part of my learning to go through this period of time without so I could truly understand it and allow it to become even more deep within me. It’s interesting how it all happened so quickly when I got rid of these things and then how quickly it all reappeared to me, though a powerful expansion followed by a very powerful storm.
The thing about now is that it is expanding even further where I’m not going to leave the home, in a more subdued way what how I dress at home, and expressing my heart in public. Where before I was so afraid of this, I’m not so afraid anymore, as long as I can take baby steps, which my heart advised.
Today I received the first of my packages. I received the breasts and some make up I ordered. I really like the brow pencil. It does work like I hoped it would and it is the right color. I also receive my first lip stick, which is different from the lip gloss which comes right off. This stays on which I like and I love the berry color I chose. It was a low cost one but all I need.
Tomorrow I get the sport’s bras, so I’m not even going to open the breasts today and wait until I have it all. Sunday I’m expecting some things I decided to add. I ordered two caps. More like dad caps but in different colors. One in burgundy and one in royal blue. I think both of these will go good with the purple that I enjoy wearing in shirts as well as other colors.
I’ve decided how I will go about coloring my hair. I think I will start with a dark auburn and then move into a dark burgundy, which will give me some purple tint to my hair. We will see how it goes. But I will experiment until I find what works for me, just as I’m doing with all of this. It’s not about becoming a woman or even looking like a woman. It’s all about expressing my heart.
I also ordered some nail polish. I though I would experiment with it. I found some water soluble polish that is made for adults. It is a set that wasn’t too expensive. I picked the set with the greatest number of shades of purple. I though I would start with painting just my pinkies then go from there. It peels off after soaking in warm water so it won’t be much trouble and allows me to experiment and expand the expression in most all ways.
Maybe later I will think about that rose tattoo. I know I won’t go to the extreme with tattoos as I described in an earlier post, but I would like that rose and, if I enjoy that, I might look into a butterfly.
All in all, with all of this happening, I could see my relationship with women opening up again. Today I had the most amazing experience with a woman. I got a call to help a woman load up some patio furniture and help her take it to her car. I got the cart and went out to wait for her. She bought a lot of furniture, loading up the cart. I so enjoyed her because she was so friendly and open, telling about what she is doing.
What I saw in her was a woman who was both sure of herself and also open to other people. She was in her mid 40s and not a beauty by societal standards, yet to me, I enjoyed serving her and most of all, I enjoyed that she allowed me to serve her. Yet, at the same time, she was concerned about me. I loved that she talked a lot. Not about frivolous things but nothing deep either. I just enjoyed what she was saying.
When we got to the car she was worried that it all wouldn’t fit. I said we should try. The back of the car was filled with beautiful plants. She was designing a sort of spiritual place, with singing bowls and such. The plants were lush and elaborate. She didn’t seem concerned about money.
So we started working the puzzle of pulling out plants and putting in the things she bought then putting things back. Once I had the furniture in her car I could have just left as my job was done, but I stayed and helped her until everything was in. She would ask my opinion at times and we would try it. It didn’t work so she would say we should try this other way, which worked. I didn’t become offended that she didn’t like my ideas. I just enjoyed serving her. I moved plants to one place then another until it all fit and she was happy.
The most amazing thing was that, this made me happy also. When she said, “Thank you.” my reply was truly sincere as it was “My pleasure.”
I seriously wanted to get in the car with her and help her set it all up at her home, then stay for dinner and let her tell me about other projects that we could do together. Who needs sex? I would be so happy to be with someone like her simply doing what she enjoys and helping her make it all happen.
This told me that of both genders, even with the feminine desires and feelings within me, if I were to be with someone, she would have to be a woman as I most enjoy serving women and being a part of their lives. I can also communicate better with them. Or simply enjoy listening to them as they make their plans and, and maybe a lingering hope in my own mind, wish I could help and be a part of those plans bringing them to life together with her. I don’t think I could ask for anything more in a relationship other than serving the one that I love.