In My Heart I Trust

The temperature yesterday and what it is currently today is much better than it has been when it was well over 100 degrees F. After enduring those temps the mid to high 90s are more acceptable. Though it seems the 100s will be returning shortly and, maybe it’s just hopeful thinking on their part, but the local weather sees the possibility of some rain storms in the long range forecast. We can only hope that it pans out. But the forecast beyond a couple of days is often unreliable.

For me, today is a very different day. After all that has happened to me the last couple of weeks and especially in the last couple of days, today I have set out to do as my heart has asked and to express her openly.

I believe that is yesterday’s post along with my own contemplation on the subject, I’m pretty secure in knowing who I am now. For me it’s not about classifications and categorizations based on purely physical observations. For me, it is much more than this as it is with most everyone else if they could only see it.

I feel so much more open and free today simply because I have done what my heart has asked. She told me to still take baby steps in doing it. Well, this morning I showered and then made up my face. I have everything I need. At least the basics. Things I was already doing at home I found are things that other women do.

I have been researching make up more and was looking into blush. I noticed that many blushes double as lip color. Well, I’ve already been using lip gloss for blush when at home. I have a good sized kit of lip gloss I bought a while ago to experiment with colors. Just take the brush and put a couple of small stripes on my cheekbone, smooth it upward along the cheekbone, using a light pinkish color that isn’t bold and there it is, blush on my cheeks.

I had already found a foundation that generally matches my skin tone after a few tries. I have found that putting just a light layer is better for me.

Yesterday I bought mascara. It was in the moment. I was passing by the make up aisle and decided to get some. I loved how I didn’t feel uncomfortable in the least being there and I took my time looking at a variety of things. I bought some basic low cost mascara that isn’t waterproof of volumizing. Just black. I still want something that is easy to wash off, which this is.

I already have long rather thick lashes. Years ago at another job an older woman coworker used to tease me by saying, “I’d love to put some mascara on those lashes.” Back then I didn’t really take it well.

I put them on both upper and lower. This caused my eyes to really pop out. I was very surprised. Not something I would want to do when going out into public. So this morning I put it only on my upper lashes which isn’t so bold. It causes me lashes to touch my glasses though.

I learned online to not just brush it on but to go back and forth or in a sort of zig zag motion. I noticed yesterday some lashes were stuck together. Doing it this way separates them better and lifts them up.

Still, it could be noticed but it’s not boldly noticeable.

I also put on some nude pink lip tint that is subtle but if you look closely it is noticeable. It’s all about baby steps and it’s not about looking like a woman or being a woman. It’s all about expressing the feminine that is my heart and make up is one of the things used today in the current state of humanity that is part of the feminine expression.

Well, it was different today that yesterday. Not so bold and, really, it was perfect. So off I went to the store. But not before getting dressed. I have some clothes that I will only wear at home. Within all of this I have declared some definite symbols that represent my feminine heart. One is the color purple. Which includes all shades of purple, in my opinion, ranging from pink and lavender to the darker royal purple. So I have many shades to work with.

Yesterday I did go out wearing a very light lavender shirt that I usually only wear at home. Today I wore a darker purple shirt that is more form fitting and the material, in my opinion, sort of makes it more feminine. I bought them with the hopes of wearing them more in the world but couldn’t do it. Well, today I put it on and with some normal blue jeans, off I went to the store.

As I approached the store my heart told me to simple see myself as doing what I always do. That this look is my everyday look and nothing new. In a sense, don’t be self conscious of it. So I did. I noticed a greater feeling of freedom and even a better more open mood. I could also feel a deeper connection to my heart, who is the feminine, which is the main objective in all of this. It’s all for her.

If anyone noticed that didn’t look or say anything. In fact, some people were more friendly that usual, as I’ve been going to this store for years and they know me by face.

Going back a little, when my heart was showing me everything that I wrote about yesterday, she also told me that by doing this, coming out in a sense, it not only raises the feminine as a whole, it will do other things for me.

Like how I’ve been concerned about my teeth. They are basically ruined because of all the stress I’ve endured throughout my life because I both have Asperger’s and I have a feminine heart. For those who read this blog regularly, you pretty much know the story. This caused me to grind my teeth a lot. The last 10 years I’ve pretty much neglected everything because of enduring such intense, nearly life threatening anxiety caused by my inability to accept my feminine heart and my vain concern over what I believed other people expected of me. I had been grinding my teeth from my youth simply because of the great insecurity I felt then that continued on in my life. Once my heart came fully into my life, the grinding basically stopped but the damage is already done.

My heart has taught me to not feel insecure about such things but to work with what I have. I am older and my body is sort of beat up. It’s not going to be beautiful by any means. Hell, it’s a man’s body, how could it be beautiful?

This is another reason why I couldn’t do what I’m currently doing. I felt I was just ugly and by doing such things only made me more a freak and uglier.

I really doesn’t. I also decided to cut my hair very short. Down to using a number one on my clippers. My hair has receded deeply. I can’t grow it longer to look more feminine so why not cut it much shorter. As I thought of this, I am rather gray so I do color my hair a medium brown. Why not go for a very different color on top of it. Maybe more of a redish or auburn brown. Maybe even with a light tint of purple in it. It’s short but it is not prickly short. The number one makes it where it’s still soft enough and comfortable and there’s enough to hold color, as I saw today in coloring. It will also lengthen the life of the color itself. Where I used to use only a quarter of the coloring agent at a time, now I can use an eighth of it at a time, which I did this morning and it worked fine.

So why not a different color that is more expressive of my heart.

All of this brought to mind something else. Tattoos. From when I was young I never wanted a tattoo. I think it was more because of what I saw in the content of tattoos. I didn’t want skulls and other things like that.

I thought of what I would do now if I were younger. I went a little crazy in my imaginings.

First, I would want a bold red rose on my shoulder. One that covers the entire shoulder, even with a short part of the stem and leaves.

Then went on to think about putting a vine of sort of wildflowers and leaves across the top of my chest.

This led to the imagining of putting on my back, at the bottom, a sort of meadow of grass and wildflowers along with several butterflies flying about at the top of my back. Butterflies being the other symbol of my heart. With one more simple symbol, which is the heart itself.

Yesterday I was watching Bianca Andreescu play Alize Cornet, mainly because Alize was playing who is one of my favorite players. Anyway, I noticed on the left front part of her shoulder was a small heart without any color. Nothing bold, which I think was what she wanted. Later I noticed on her right arm, below the fold of her arm was a small butterfly without color. I fell in love with her right there, though I was still cheering on Alize who remains one of my favs and ended up winning. Alize is doing wonderfully in Berlin, her first time playing there.

So, to top of the tattoo on my back, I would want a good sized, full color, Monarch type butterfly on the back of my neck.

But I’m not finished yet with my imaginings. I would like to have, like shooting sparks or stars only with hearts, starting with small hearts and going to larger hearts, flowing up the right side of my body at the ribs and flowing out to the side of my chest.

Yes, if I were younger and with the awareness I have now, I would have gone crazy. Instead, back then, I had no idea of who I am and was fighting against all semblances of who I am, living in terrible conflict with myself.

The one thing, and I think one of the most important things, other than feeling a greater connection to my heart, is that I can, in a sense, empathize more with women. Not in a pity sort of way but when I now look at a woman, because of all my research and experimenting on myself, I notice their make up and, like always, I notice their fashion. I have some sense of how they do make up and can see the individual expression and artistry of each woman both in their make up and fashion.

My heart told me to not so much look online for ideas of clothes but to observe what older women in my area are wearing for ideas. This alone could make me more comfortable with it where I would be within the trends of the area rather than some of the things that aren’t necessarily worn in this area, causing me to stand out even more.

I want to be seen but to not stand out, which is much different than before where I didn’t want to be seen nor stand out.

This sort of reminded me of an episode of “Fringe” about a man with special powers to be able to blend into the environment and basically be invisible. He was killing people simply so he could get the pigment from their skin which was helping him to become visible again. The only problem was that, by become visible it would also kill him.

Well, each day he would get on the elevator at the building where he lives and there would be a woman who he never spoke with. Other people would get on the elevator and they would talk with the woman but never with him, even though he was visible temporarily and still working on making it permanent.

At the end, after he learned it would kill him in the end, he hadn’t gotten on the elevator for several days. When he did, the woman was on the elevator. She talked to him saying that she hadn’t seen him and wondered if he was okay. Worrying if he had caught the cold virus that was going along.

This made him very happy. He found that he had been seen. The woman then got off at her floor and the door closed. He smiled as he leaned back on the door, sliding down where he died.

I just want to be seen as I truly am, but not stand out.

So, I ordered some sports bras. As I wrote about yesterday, even though it seems unnecessary for me to wear them, they cause me to feel much closer to my heart who is the feminine. I have noticed that since I had gotten rid of the ones I had, my connection to the feminine has waned. In fact, waned very much.

I had lost that deep spiritual connection to her which also helps contribute to the raising of the feminine universe as it collides with the masculine universe. I also ordered some fake breasts, as I enjoy putting them in the bra when I’m at home and sleeping with them on. Again, unnecessary to reason but gives me even greater connection to my heart, who is the feminine.

I also ordered a brow pencil. I currently have what they call brow mascara, which has a brush. My brows are basically invisible. Rather thin and light. But when I put color to them they come alive. I simply can’t control the color very well with just the brush and it’s a bit dark. So I bought a lighter color with both a pencil and a brush. I don’t necessarily have to pluck to sculpt a brow because they are invisible.

I can simply draw out the brow I want, which I don’t want to sculpt with such precision as some women do, but simply draw out the brow and bring it to life which, even with what I have now, I enjoy very much, except when I go too far down the side of the brow and it sort of surrounds my eye with a bushy type look. I stay primarily over the top with a slight rounding as I go along the eye but not all the way down.

They look sort of masculine in a sense but I get the joy of being the feminine artist bringing them to life, finding what works for me and the expression of the heart. I can then use the brush to blend it and fluff up the brow so it doesn’t look flat and drawn on. I will see how it goes as I experiment and do more research on it.

It does seem that the journey has again taken another very unexpected turn that, in the end, with such concerns such as my teeth and other things in life, my heart explained that by bringing the two universes within me together, which contributes to doing the same in the greater universe, it will cause those concerns to also find their way and to be taken care of.

How this will happen, only my heart knows. In my heart I trust.