In Matters of the Heart

Yesterday was a record breaking temperature day and today is supposed to be a little cooler but it won’t be too noticeable. Maybe it will because it is expected to be about 8 degrees F. cooler. It isn’t supposed to break 100 today.

I was able to get out early yesterday and get things done. By the time I came home at 11am it was about 96 degrees already. I left when it was in the low 80s.

Well, what can I say today. Actually I could say a lot. Again it’s been a battle of extremes, only this time I didn’t make them happen. It seems my heart needed me to go to these extremes. As always, when I go to one extreme, like a slingshot, I go to the extreme in the other way until things balance again. It’s simply the nature of things and why humanity, which is always moving in the extreme, can’t figure out why this constantly happens to them. Why they can’t find any consistency in life.

The first extreme I’ve been writing about over the past week or so. It didn’t seem all that extreme at the time but my heart was pushing me to look out beyond that of the perspective of society.

During this I was watching an episode of “Fringe” where the two universes were merging. Yet only one universe can survive. This is because only one universe can be in the same place at the same time. This doesn’t mean that great damage doesn’t occur to the other universe. Both are basically destroyed but one is left standing for the most part.

This got me thinking about how things are changing in the world around me. It’s like two universes are merging and their is a great conflict happening. Only these universes are perspective universes.

Humanity for the most part has devised it’s own perspective of life and this is in conflict with the universal perspective or reality. So they are colliding right now and I’m sure the bigger universe will be the only universe left standing.

This brought to mind conscious awareness. Humans have conscious awareness but they were given this gift by other beings. Humans were once animal hominids but their “gods” gave them conscious awareness. later these “gods” became their one “god.” Just like what it says in the Book of Genesis:

“Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

This was seemingly the one slip up in the bible if there was to be only one “god.” There were many “gods” and they were the beings, an entire civilization, that gave humans conscious awareness.

Really, in my opinion, the entirety of Genesis in it’s description of the creation of the Earth was nothing more than what it would seem like if a being went from having no conscious awareness to having conscious awareness and thus being able to observe the world around them and themselves. They came from nothing or a void to seeing the world and universe around them.

Humans weren’t humans when this happened. They were hominids. So they weren’t actually created by these “gods” but their DNA was altered to be like their own. Yet this didn’t eliminate the animal in humans. Even with conscious awareness they remain animals. Animals with conscious awareness.

This is why humans feel a duality. They are both higher and lower beings. True conscious awareness, if it evolves at all, when it comes upon a being, the animal has evolved out of the being, thus raising them to a higher being. Yet this higher being still exists within the animal, thus causing great confusion for humans, who are still trying to live as animals, which is why the world is in the state it is in today, while being aware of something higher around them, most unaware that this higher being is within them.

This is because the beings who gave them conscious awareness were also the same, both animal and higher being. Somewhere the same thing happened to them. They evolved technologically, just as humans could do. The only flaw was that, throughout the history in the bible of these “gods” they were managing humanity. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, these “gods” simply disappeared. Nothing is managing the humans. Nothing is managing their population and there is no longer these “gods” to be afraid of so that they will be obedient. Thus the humans naturally resorted back to being animals, only animals with conscious awareness. A very limited awareness but enough for them, with the past aid of these “gods” who taught them their form of “civilization,” humans evolved, or dissolved back into the abyss from where they came, only they are now aware of what they are doing to a point, though they can’t stop the animal within them. This animal, which is based on the physical, is also based on the masculine energy, which is the energy fo the physical, thus they live solely for the animal, or physical, which is also called the “Beast” or “Satan.”

Yes, in the end, when “Satan” is removed from the Earth, this “Satan” is what most all of humanity is dedicated to serving, even those who go to church every Sunday and proclaim that things are evil and Satanic around them but, in fact, they too are currently serving the Satan because they are serving the masculine beast and dedicating their lives to the physical existence, not the heart of who they truly are within them.

Which is the higher self of which they have come to ignore for the most part. So, humanity itself will be part of this great removal of the “Satan” because, in many ways, they are the “Satan” but only because they are ignorant of their own truth within them. So ultimately it’s not their fault but the universe, who is the true “god,” who is neither for or against anything. For her, nothing is evil, all things are naturally occurring. But just like with extremes, when something goes to the extreme one way they will then go to the extreme in the other way. In this case, the two universes will collide and only one will be left standing.

Well, I digressed some in all of this but it was interesting to write all of this out. I can only hope that all of that made sense. I’m sure that my regular readers will be able to follow it as it doesn’t digress from the whole of what I’ve written about for over two years now.

Anyway, this all brought me back to my own world where I had unknowingly gone to the extreme and had now gone to the extreme in the other way. Oh, how I wish my heart would stop doing this but, in this case, both extremes were very telling for me.

The first extreme was to separate myself, my perspective from that of the society. I wrote about this as it was happening. It was very powerful and also rather painful as I was getting headaches from my heart literally altering neural pathways in my brain. She would allow me to feel something as I perceived it through the teachings of society, then she would correct this path to that which is of my heart.

Well, this all took me to the other extreme, which was back into myself. Last night I laid back in my recliner in the silence as my mind processed all that was coming through and putting it all together. None of it was new. My heart had been teaching me things all along but I simply wasn’t able to put it all together.

It literally has to do with my heart. My heart is feminine. When I look in the mirror I see the face of a man yet when I look inside I see a female. Not a woman per say, but a female. A female with feminine emotions and feelings. Things that I have fought against in my life as I tried to be more masculine to fit the image that society had for me. Even lately I can now see I was still fighting against her, just not as much.

Really it was just a process, a progression. I can look back at times when my heart took me so far and then stopped me. Now it seems she is taking me further, only with a greater understanding on my part.

Okay, this is where all of these thoughts started flowing and connecting.

I thought, “If I’m female inside with mostly female feelings and emotions, including the feminine submissiveness within me, then what am I?” Yes, this is the confusion that many people are facing today as the feminine perspective universe collides with the current ruling, or once ruling, energy the masculine.

Only in this case, both universes will be left standing but, at the same time, each universe will change greatly from their current form based on human perspective. This is where my heart had pointed out before that everything here is upside down. She is putting things right side up within me and this can be confusing because it literally distorts things that I’m seeing. It also causes me to feel like I’m going crazy at times, because what I’m seeing doesn’t match what I’ve been taught nor what is happening in the society today. But, as I see these things, they do become real and thus, the universes are colliding and I get to participate in this great endeavor, however small.

Of course, I’ve been documenting all of this throughout this journey.

Well, here we go again.

So, I’m female within me with female feelings and emotions along with female desires. The desire to be submissive as well as to serve others. Through serving others and giving them pleasure I get to experience the female emotional orgasm, which makes up much of their sexual orgasm.

The feminine is submissive to the masculine only in the creation of life. In human terms, the female desires the seed of the male, therefore she opens herself submissively to allow the male to plant the seed within her.

Of course, humans have completely corrupted this act into making it an empty act of temporary pleasure. Much like a drug. Thus, making it a “sin.” Because they are consciously aware of the general physical world around them, they are able to alter it for their own pleasure, but always at a cost, such as what we are now experiencing as the climate goes crazy around the world.

Which is merely the universe, though nature, seeking to do what is her main function, to bring about balance and harmony. This can come through destruction, such as having to perspective universes collide where only one will be left standing. Yet, both universes, the masculine and the feminine, will be left standing only they will have become one. Equal in all things and matters.

It’s interesting that, in this area of the universe, it’s only here on Earth where this imbalance is occurring. When you look up a a planet such as Mars, even through the eyes of the rovers humans have placed there, it is currently ruled by both the masculine and the feminine as one. Only now are humans beginning to disrupt this even there, only in a very small way right now.

Yet, most humans still perceive most everything, including the universe at large, through their own limited awareness. Because it’s all they know, they see it as a place of conflict and disharmony only because they themselves are in a state of conflict and disharmony. In reality, everything in the universe is running in perfect harmony with everything else within it.

Yet, here on Earth, this is this great imbalance brought about by giving conscious awareness to a being that wasn’t ready to have conscious awareness. A being who is now in conflict because of this seeming duality within them which they manifest into everything around them. Yes, conscious awareness allows a being to manifest within the universe. This is why conscious awareness should only come to those beings who are ready for it. Who have risen above the animal.

Okay, I digressed again. But this too was interesting to document and put together. Really it isn’t digressing but seeing much more of the whole picture.

Well, my heart has told me not to choose sides. To be in harmony with both sides.

The other day I watched the movie “Avatar.” I watched as thousands of natives fought and died for their side. I wondered why they would do such a thing as it is choosing a side.

Well, my heart corrected me on this. She said that they are fighting and dying for something greater than themselves. Greater than their own being or species. They were fighting to protect an entire world that, much like Earth, is an brain like ecosystem where everything is connected.

She reminded me that life as an individual is insignificant. Death is insignificant. This again is where humans have it upside down. Because they are dedicated to the physical, they put way too much value on death. Death is a dreadful thing simply because most of them can’t see beyond the physical to know that they, well, in their current form, are nothing more than avatars and, when they die, they will wake up in the place where they really are, not here on Earth. And they will then be placed in another avatar, possibly on a planet that might be in a far off galaxy in the universe. Or they might return to the Earth. It all depends on where the universe sends them.

Humans are not in control of anything, including their own individual destinies. They are merely players playing a role based on, well, the the true consciousness within them which isn’t necessarily in their physical bodies but in another place, some being lost in this experience as to where they too no longer know where they are, only that they are here in this virtual world.

Anyway, so I was thinking about how I’m female within me with female feelings and emotions as well as desires, even the desire to be dominated by the masculine so as to have it’s seed planted within me.

Well, this perplexes me because I’m in a man’s body. The seed has no value in this body. Yet I desire it. I had to ask, “Does this make me gay.”

Well, in fact, I’m looking at the very thing that most “gay” people are experiencing in a much grander way. In a universal way rather than limited ot this physical perspective.

Yes, this “men” who are female within, having the feelings and emotions of the female as well as the desires, then seek to make themselves like who they are within. Sexually they desire the seed of the masculine within them so they have relationships with men so as to receive the seed.

This again takes me back to the fact that I’m in a man’s body. I can receive their seed and the satisfaction and pleasure of receiving it, but whether I receive it in the mouth or in the anus, it remains only temporary pleasure. Though it can come with a benefit of being able to have a healthy relationship with another person, mainly for those “men” who are female within them to have a relationship with a man or the masculine.

This is where I thought about the submissive characteristic of the feminine within me. I feel such pleasure in being submissive. My heart teaches me to be submissive in all things, though I don’t always do it. Because of the teaching of society, who believe that they can fight for whatever they want and that they control their own destinies, which is completely upside down from the perspective of the heart, and also that the masculine is the dominant ruling energy, well, this negates the rest in their eyes.

If a man feels like he is a female within him, well, in the eyes of the masculine, this is degrading. If a man expresses feminine qualities, many men see that man as being lesser, just as they view women as being lesser. This is often more difficult with a person who is female in a man’s body because they are also trying to fit into the society. Thus great confusion can arise in their lives.

Well, I can look at my life and see the great destruction this has caused in my life from this conflict within me. At one point, after I became aware of my Asperger’s, I thought it was because of my Asperger’s and not being aware of it. Well, this was part of it but most of it was the battle within me between the universe or reality of the heart while living in this universe of the physical reality based solely on limited conscious awareness within humans.

My heart pointed out how I dress when I’m at home. I wear clothes meant of women. I shave most of my body hair off on a regular basis. I crave wearing women’s things, such as bras. I envy women their beautiful breast and form, wishing I too could have such a grand and beautiful form.

I can’t have their form but it is important for me to express the feminine within me. This is where my heart stopped me short before, telling me that it isn’t important to express it, at that time, to the world around me.

Now it seems that it is important. Now that I can understand it. Now that, just as the natives in “Avatar” and even natives here on Earth, have fought and died for something greater than themselves, and even their species.

My heart pointed out how important that those with a feminine heart come out and express it openly with the world. This further contributes to the collusion of universes. At one time I thought it wasn’t important for LGBTQ people to come up. Now I can see why it’s important. It’s more important than just for their own lives, which is why most of them are doing it. Even so, they are contributing to the collision of universes. The rise of the feminine and the lowering of the masculine until they come back into balance and again become one energy or universe in harmony.

So, relationship wise, I could be with a man or a woman. Because I’m female inside, being with a woman would be more difficult because she would have to be dominant. Sexually, for both men and women, I have no desire to penetrate them or use my penis in any way during sexual pleasure.

This is interesting. I have no desire to physically orgasm with them. I would prefer to pleasure them, giving me a much greater emotional orgasm, then later, when I’m alone, relieve the physical orgasm. I have no desire whatsoever in me to implant the seed. In both cases, men or women, my sole carnal desire would be in giving them pleasure and, in the case with men, also receiving their seed, though it is valueless within this body, it would satisfy the female desire and increase the intimacy of the act as a whole.

Yet, this would bring about something that is always difficult for me, consistently being passive. Because I’ve always had this conflict within me, when I would be with a man, I would be the female, who is seen as lesser to the eyes of the ruling masculine energy that is this society. My heart has taught me over and over again to be submissive and passive in all things. Allow all things to take their natural form, including in my life, instead of trying to control and portray myself as being something that I’m not.

This goes back to the first extreme that happens, which was about breaking the bonds with the societal perspective. I could now see myself as being the female in a relationship with a man. With a woman I too would have to be the female so, as I’ve stated before, as much I would enjoy being with a woman, it wouldn’t work unless she was the more dominate one in the relationship. More the masculine than the feminine.

So, am I gay? I still can’t classify myself as being anything of the sort. All of these classifications are based solely on the physical nature or the body. I am, in all ways except for my body, a female. Therefore, being with a man doesn’t make me gay, except in the description of supposedly being the same sex as they are.

The one thing most interesting in this is that the main masculine and feminine energies are not genders. Gender only comes into play with regards to the physical body and the roles of each gender’s body. From my point of view, I am dedicated solely to the feminine who is the greater purpose of my life, beyond me and that of humanity as a whole. As what is happening, this collision of universes, is for the good of all life throughout the entire universe and beyond.

Therefore, my heart says to me now, “Where clothes meant for women out in public.” Find those clothes that work for more for me, remembering that I’m in a man’s body. Also, remember by age. Look more to what older women are wearing rather than younger women. I read in an article that older women should avoid wearing baggy clothes. But stay with the tight form fitting clothes.

As for me, being that I don’t have their beautiful form here in the physical, baggier blouses and other things might be better for me. It’s all about the expression. I don’t need a bra and the only reason I desire to wear one is because it represents the current expression of the feminine within humanity. It’s interesting how more comfortable I feel while wearing one, as if it’s spiritual in some way, like a prayer shawl or like Mormon garments. I feel a greater connection to the feminine and thus feel more protected.

But it doesn’t necessarly require a bra. Just express the feminine within me. It’s okay to wear make up. I still wear a light pink lip tint and at home I wear other make up. I enjoy it and I think I will start wearing more of it in public.

See, the most difficult thing for me in the past is the looks and even knowing that others are talking behind my back when they see me expressing the feminine. Now, having gone through the first extreme, htis is no longer a matter. I should do what I always should have done, given little care to what those of the society think and to merely express myself freely as who I am. I’ve learned now just how important it is to not only express this in private but in the world at large. Much more important than me.

This becomes my fight for something greater than myself or humanity. I most likely won’t be killed by doing these things and I should never feel humiliated by the judgements of others. I’m doing it for the true love my life, my heart, who is the feminine and is who I would be expressing while contributing to the greater cause of the collision of universes.

This was a very long post but it seems I had a lot to say today.