A Stranger in a Strange Land

It seems we are entering into a very long heat wave. It is going to be brutal. A long stream of days above 100 F. and then going into a long stream of days in the high 90s. I’m sure this will only worsen the drought. One can only hope that the monsoon season in mid summer is a good one. We haven’t had a good one in many, many years.

After watching the movie “Borg vs. McEnroe, I then watched Djokovic play Nadal at the current French Open. I would say that it was nearly equal to that 1980 match between Borg and McEnroe. All except the fact that Nadal is much older than they were.

It was a very powerful match ending in a sad way as Nadal lost. He had one 13 French Open titles. Like Borg in a way, where his kingdom was Wimbledon, the French Open was all Nadal’s. That is, until yesterday.

I have no problem with Djokovic. He is an great player. Really, he is the only one who could be Nadal at the French Open. Still, it was sad because it was the end of a long era. The king has fallen. I’m afraid that Nadal might retire now. Physically he just couldn’t keep up the pace. It was so amazing to watch him play shots that no one else could ever do. He could cover the entire court. But so could Djokovic and he seemed more physically fit to maintain until the end.

When I saw that Nadal wasn’t going to win I couldn’t watch anymore. I looked to see what they ending score was and Nadal didn’t win a single game from the point where I stopped watching. It was the perfect place to stop.

Like I said yesterday, watching the movie, “Borg vs. McEnroe changed how I view tennis. I think I enjoy it much more with a deeper understanding of it. A deeper connection to the players with a greater understanding of that they might be going through. They are no longer just players playing a game for my enjoyment. They are out there after so much hard work and stress to get there.

I was thinking about other players I enjoy who mainly play the lower level tournaments. Maybe they stay there because there isn’t so much stress and pressure. Players like Camila Giorgi and Alize Cornet, they play the lower level tournaments and sometimes do well and they also play the majors but rarely get far.

But they do make a living doing what they love. Even making the second round at a major is a good sum of money. And making the quarters or even the semis in a lower level tournament is a good sum of money. So why not just play to enjoy playing, which is always what it seems like with Camila Giorgi.

In the movie Borg’s coach talked about blowing matches simply because he didn’t want to go on with the stress and pressure of going further, having only made the quarter finals at Wimbledon as he greatest achievement. He said that the could have done it, gone further, but just couldn’t do it.

I think, in a way, this is what Naomi Osaka was protesting about at the French Open and pulled out because they insisted that she go on to do press conferences. She was concerned about the mental health issues this pressure causes the players. She, being so sensitive, it probably affected her more and thus she decided to use her position to try to change it.

Like I was writing yesterday, it’s so interesting how this type of stress if lived by most people in various ways and levels in Western society. Always being judged and pressured to do things that one isn’t comfortable doing. Having to do things that they don’t feel comfortable doing or isn’t natural to them. Yet they have to do these things simply to make a living. They can’t see any other way.

Of course, this goes into their own lives as they pressure those around them and their families to have to do the same. In my experience, most everyone I’ve known has desired to be out of the rat race but figured it was what they had to do, else be homeless. It is the standard of the society. The main expectation. Production. Doing things that mean very little to those doing them simply to pay for a place to live and to have food on the table.

I’ve noticed that my heart is deepening my perspective. She told me today that the reason I see the way of life that humans in this society are living as being wrong is generally because I am not from here. I’m do not belong here.

It’s not because I wasn’t born and raised here. It is because I live from a different place than other people. I live through my heart. Because of this my perspective is of the heart. What the others are doing isn’t wrong per say. I only see it as wrong simply because it doesn’t fit the perspective of the heart. The reality of the heart is like living in another place. Another planet from what I see each day, and my heart is deepening this by teaching me to, in a way, erase the standards taught to me by this society.

I’ve seen that how I look at others is affected by how I was taught to look at others. I will again use women as an example but it’s not solely about women.

I began to understand what my heart as showing me about a year ago when I was seeing that the expression of women in this society is not the true expression of the feminine. How they dress and even how they walk and act is all formed for them by the society. Pretty much everything about them is a program written by the masculine society. Even today, when women think they have more rights, they are still nothing more than caricatures created by the masculine.

Even their form, which is sculpted in a certain way is based on the masculine. The way they dress is based on the masculine. Wearing make up is based on the masculine idea for them. As they dress more promiscuously, thinking they are more free to be able to do so, they are being manipulated by the masculine.

Women bring more profits to the big industries than men. The beauty industry alone is a huge industry. All things for both men and women are created for them that they will be better consumers of the things that form the image that they have been programmed to be by the society. Very little about most humans is natural, except their mental illnesses and other inner problems they experience, all because they are fighting against their very nature. Against their very hearts.

With me, my heart is slowly erasing all of these images from causing stimulation within me. This stimulation is what causes people to desire something. The forms and shapes of things are created to stimulate and manipulate the senses. The taste of things. They go over all of these things within each commercial, exploiting the senses of the humans. “A big, juicy hamburger.” as they show the juices of fat gushing from the burger, causing the mouth to water.

It is the same with the form of women which, when programmed correctly into the humans, causes the mouth of men to water and desire them, not just their flesh but for the status that the woman can bring to them. Women are still nothing more than objects, no matter how much they believe they have progressed.

They are still being exploited at every turn in their lives and most women still defend this way of life. Women are the biggest supporters of the society. Men could take it or leave it but to have status they must have a woman and the woman will guide them to live as the society desires. Thus, men too become staunch supporters of the society because it gives to them the image that they have been programmed to believe as being, well, that of comfort and security.

Yet, as I saw as I was riding up to my apartment building on my bike, a woman with the car door open yelling at the man in the driver’s seat saying, “If you leave then don’t you fucking call me.” Well, after a few more choice words the man turned off the car and got out.

Basically, my heart is taking me home. Home to my heart. The place where at one time in my life frightened me simply because I felt I wouldn’t be able to participate in this life as it is and thus would be homeless. My heart has told me several times that this isn’t the case. To look at it as I used to say long ago. “It’s their world. Let the do what they want.”

Basically this means that I am an alien here. Just go about doing what is necessary for me to have a place to live and food on the table while observing this strange world. Not to judge it because they aren’t doing anything wrong. I’m merely seeing it from a different perspective. But to disconnect from what it is that motivates them. To see them as they are, not the illusions that they portray.

It is difficult to get used to it but my heart said it will get easier. What I find interesting is that she is erasing all societal standards within me. Those of the society teach that without those standards there would only be chaos. My heart said that I will be amazed once they have all been erased. I won’t see chaos and disorder. I will see myself as I truly am.

I can see why, early in the journey, my heart wrote my personal code of ethics. They are the ethics of my heart. Today I experience serving others without caring about any connection with them. In a way, it’s like serving without any desire for any return. A woman was even flirting with me a little because I was spending the time to help her, putting her hand on my waist. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel as I have felt before, some sense of connection to her. I merely went on serving her, not out of duty but because it is of the ethics of my heart.

Right now it’s sort of difficult to describe as it is all new to me. I’m just watching it form each day as it deepens. I hesitated writing anything about it yesterday because I thought it might have simply been a mood or something. But I could see it was more and today I saw that it is very much something more. I’m sure it will take time to erase all the standards which are basically the societal programming.

I noticed that it is basically changing the value of things. Standards are values or the things people value. I can see that my heart is simply changing the value of things. I look at the form of a woman and the value has changed. It no longer stimulates all the feelings that I wrote about in my last posts. Not just physical but all the feelings of comfort and warmth that one believes might come from being with another person. Really, that comfort is just that of having status. A status that others of the society see as being very acceptable.

I know that when I was with a woman for a few years, it changed my status, even though I was the same person. People treated me differently. I was more approachable, not because of anything different in me, but they saw me differently. At times it brought a feeling of being accepted.

Yet, I never felt comfortable because the expectations placed upon me, mostly by the woman I was with, made me very uncomfortable. All the family expectations and social obligations. All of which I do not enjoy. I wanted to stay home and be away from the world after work. She wanted to go out and socialize and be among other people. It just wasn’t my world. But others viewed me as being more acceptable, simple because I was with a woman.

That’s another thing about it. The feeling that you are accepted by the woman. The feeling that you are a team of sorts. That she is on your side. Well, I found this to be a great illusion. Sure, for the first couple of years this seemed to be the way, but then it all changed. Changed because I wasn’t living up to my end of the bargain and changing into the image that she desired me to be. Then she made it clear that she wasn’t on my team and went to great lengths to make this clear.

This part confused me simply because, possibly because of my Asperger’s, I am very loyal and thought she too would be the same, simply because we are committed to her. Just as I told her many times, we don’t need to be married to form a commitment. I am already fully committed to you.

But that too was important to her, getting married. For some reason, probably because of the teachings of society, marriage was very important to her. I, on the other hand, thought nothing of marriage. I didn’t believe in it at all. I had given my word as my commitment and becoming married wouldn’t change this. I went ahead and asked her to marry me as she wanted but then things went quickly bad, simply because it wasn’t the way of my heart.

In fact, I had to turn against my heart, my inner beliefs for her. She didn’t like them. But, because I wanted to be committed to her, I denied my heart and, well, this too was when everything went sour. Since she wanted me deny my heart I expected her to protect me as my heart once protected me. When she failed to be able to do so, I lost faith in her.

It’s all so interesting to look back on now. Now that I’m aware. Aware of what was always within me and what it was that I lived for within me, even when I was fighting against it simply to go along with the society. I can now see why I was never accepted by those of the society. To put it simply, I don’t belong here. Not here in the human society as it currently is. It never matter to me. I never found any connection to it. This caused others to tell me that I was negative and depressed. They said many other things also, telling me that I needed help.

But I fought on, both for and against my own heart. No wonder I was so confused throughout this life. Why I suffered so much anxiety. Why I simply wanted to die and leave it all.

But my heart kept me alive, continued to protect me until this time when I can finally put it all together and begin to live this life as who I truly am within me.