Living the Illusion

Today is warm but not hot. It’s definitely warming back up and is expected to break 100 degrees F. in a few days. This trend is supposed to hang around for a few days. It’s going to be brutal, especially this early in the year.

Last night I watched an interesting movie. It was perfect to watch in the evening as my day off came to a close. It is called, “Borg vs. McEnroe.”

I’m not a fan of Shia Labeouf and when I saw he was starring as John McEnroe I almost didn’t watch it. I couldn’t imagine him as John.

Well, I was pleasantly surprised. I believe it was Shia’s best role ever. He did a very good job. It took a little bit to accept his face as John’s but in time he was John.

What was interesting was it was a biographical story leading up to the 1980 finals at the Wimbledon. I really enjoyed how it went back into their lives and it mainly focused on the intense stress that both of them felt. They intense competitive nature combined with the stress of the fans and the press as well as other things outside the game that they had to deal with, such as sponsors.

Afterward I began to see tennis in a different way. Today the players are more protected and they have sports psychologists to help them through. Back then it was wild. They had to walk through the crowds of fans to get to the stadium to play. Borg was very popular and had to sign autographs and find his way through the crowds.

His life was basically guided by managers, even the plans he and his fiance had for their wedding.

As I thought about the movie later, it came to mind that most everyone has to face some of the same things that celebrities have to face, only on a lesser level.

People go out into society and they are being judged by everyone they see. Women who might possess the standard of beauty in the society are constantly looked at by men, even if they are trying not to show that they are looking. Some women enjoy this. This is why they go to extra lengths to be more beautiful and expressive of their feminine form. Others try to keep their form more covered so they don’t constantly get this attention.

While others, who might not possess this standard of beauty, are also being judged in other ways. Judged for not fitting the standard. Ignored and shunned in some ways by others. It is the same for anyone who seems different from the societal standard. Being poor and not dressing with the proper clothing will bring about judgement from others.

The societal standard is so powerful in the lives of most everyone. I know it has affected me all of my life. I know I’ve tried to fit into the standard many times, failing terribly. Even giving them more to judge.

It was like something that Borg said. He said that if he loses this final, which would have been his fifth in a row at Wimbledon, the people would forget the 4 he won and only remember the one loss.

Based on this movie, one thing he didn’t like was losing. He showed this in the 1980 final. The next year he and John played again and he lost to John. That year he retired from tennis at 26 years old. He became the best and when he was no longer the best in the world he left.

The fact of what people would remember is true in all of the lives of people in society. People will praise those who achieve but never let them forget if they then fail. This failure will follow them through to the rest of their lives. It’s almost like the societal standard is to always remember the negative. This means that those who do succeed how to fight to maintain that success else be deemed a failure for the rest of their lives.

It was interesting that this movie fit right into things my heart is moving me into now. I woke to a new and different perspective. I could say that it is based on much of what I’ve been writing the last few days. I will honestly say that each of those days I would sit down and not want to write. I felt there was nothing to write. But I would sit down and begin writing about the weather and then write about some tennis matches I might have seen. Suddenly it begins to form into something I had no intention of writing.

This has happened many times throughout my journey. Most of my writings end up this way. Some I’m allowed to simply write about the light things happening, but they are fewer than those which form into something else.

I can see that all of these writings were for me. Writing makes things become real within me. My heart seems to insert those things into me through my writing.

This morning I woke a bit out of sorts. I am used to this happening now. I know something is coming when this happens. My heart immediately told me not to put any thoughts to the feelings. Just allow myself to feel the feelings alone.

I remembered something from the movie. Just play one point at a time. This is something that is much more than just in a tennis match. It is something to remember and do each and every day of my life. Each day is a tennis match and I simply have to play each shot as it happens. I have no idea from what direction or angle the ball is going to return to me as so I simply have to play each point as it unfolds in front of me.

I also thought about how important it is for the players to maintain focus on their game. They can’t let previous shots bother them. Once it is done, they have to move on to the next point. The next rally of play.

Well, this fits well into life also. Let everything go and only play the point in play at the moment.

This all led into what I had written the last few days. I remembered where I said that I don’t belong here. Not in this society and in the current state of humanity. I wrote about how those of society live for the masculine who is based solely on the physical. All of this became very clear to me as I went through the day today.

I could see that each time I might look at a person, maybe take for example a woman. I might feel some sort of attraction for her. In my writings I had described the various feelings that come within this feeling of attraction. Not only physical desires but the feelings of warmth and comfort that might come from her that, from my experience in life, never really comes because it is an illusion. It’s almost like projecting a sort of mother image upon the woman, not to be my mother, but to feel comfortable with her as I would a mother. Feel her care and warmth.

It ironic thing about this is that I never felt this with my mother, who was very distant emotionally and always judging me harshly. With that in mind, this is how my experiences with women I had become close to ended up being. They did nothing but want to change me into something I’m not and when I couldn’t become that image they not only deemed me a failure but literally stomped me into the ground as a failure. Like an investment that didn’t pan out, they seemed to express this anger in this failure toward the end which really hurt.

Well, I’m not going to say that this didn’t go both ways and thus why it wasn’t just them stomping but I was also stomping on them and it became a terrible war of passion as both images were smashed and we left each other with pain and despair from the experience.

One thing that I did differently was that I didn’t blame them for it. They, on the other hand, blamed me and told others what a terrible person I was, which was just more of the stomping. Once it was over, I left it alone, taking the blame on myself.

I can see now that blaming myself was basically revealing that I had an image I desired them to be and when it didn’t come into reality, I could see that it was me that caused the turmoil, even though they too wanted me to be something else.

Yet, this image still remains in some ways. I see someone I’m attracted to and a great variety of feelings come to life that I might feel if I were with someone.

I’ve noticed that my heart is playing her exercise with me again. The same one where when I would judge another person she would point it out and then put me into their body so I could receive the judgement and feel it.

Now, every time I feel these feelings she reminds me of the illusion of all of it. She also puts me into the body of the other person and shows me the person as they are. A person who is insecure and basically looking for the same image in others for herself. Many of them work everyday trying to make this image come to life with the person they are with. They do it with their children.

Thus, this is the making of the standard of society. This image of the standards of society that humans of the society have been taught from media, books, TV shows and movies. Those romantic movies where they are is conflict but they come together in the end to live happily ever after living in the image of society. Somehow being able to buy a nice ideal home and have children there who can play in the large yard of green grass and large old trees they can climb.

Well, it is easy to see on the faces of most people today the disappointment that this or another image they might have, just doesn’t become real. In a way, this is the elusive American Dream. The dream for a better life, lived in harmony with another person, possibly a soul mate and through this feeling joy and happiness throughout their lives, and also feeling great support during the times of trouble and conflict.

As I saw all of this today, it came to me that my heart is literally pulling me out of the standard of society. It is something that I’ve held on to simply because I’ve been afraid to let it go. Afraid because I felt that if I did I would be completely alone. My heart then reminded me that throughout all of my efforts to live within the standard of society, my one reward was always finding myself alone.

This is when I remembered something else I recently wrote. How it seems that my heart keeps me alone so as to protect my perspective. To keep my perspective pure.

It then came to me that what I am becoming now is who I was always meant to become. Something that has been with me since I was very young and I’ve struggled with and even fought against throughout my life. And now, just like when I held on to my family even though they did nothing for me but make me feel terrible about myself then one day, I just let go and, well, nothing changed. I was still alone. I hung onto them because I was afraid of being alone, even though I was alone even when I held onto them.

It is the same now. I’ve held onto some sense of hope that I might be accepted into the life of someone in this society simply because I was afraid of being alone. Yet I’ve tried many times throughout my life and the only reward I gained was being alone.

I really don’t mind being alone. In fact, I prefer it. The only reason I feared being alone was because of the judgements of others who said that being alone made me strange and a freak. A freak based on the standards of the society which is based on the masculine and fear is the primary motivator. The motivator to live up to standards that repress and even oppress the heart, keeping people from ever coming to understand who they truly are but instead living an illusion, always striving to make it come true, only to find in the end, that it can never be a reality, simply because it’s will always be an illusion.