Seeking Satisfaction

I woke up today and it was still rather warm. Then about 9am the wind changed from the North and it quickly became much cooler, even a slight chill to the air, but I think this is only because I had become somewhat accustomed to the much hotter temperatures.

I watched a very good tennis match between two players who had never been in the semifinals of a major tournament playing to enter their first finals in a major tournament.

It was so wonderful to see this after all the years of seeing the same players going to the finals every year, usually Serena Williams. This is what tennis is all about for me. These two players played with all their heart and you really didn’t want to see either one lose, but I think what lost it for one was that she wanted it too badly while the other simply kept playing her game.

Lately I’ve been observing so many changes occurring within me. Sometimes I just don’t know what to make of them. I can only go by what my heart tells me.

Just as I worried at one time about losing the passion within me with some of the changes, I find that the passion is only changing form. I find myself wanting to rush certain things or get other changes underway and my heart simply tells me to be patient.

Why wouldn’t I be patient? I mean, everything is happening rather quickly as it is. I have changed greatly in just the last two weeks. Why try to rush it even faster when it is actually happening so fast that it is sometimes hard for me to make up what is happening.

Like usual, I simply have to go with my heart’s guidance, which brought to mind the idea of “god.” For me, this is what “god” would really be like. Not some being that I would have to beg and grovel on my knees, constantly seek to please, hoping that this being will give me what I need.

This brought mind a simple quote from Jesus, one of many that many Christians seem to overlook or say that it is impractical, even though it was said by their supposed savior.

“And when you pray, do not babble on like pagans, for they think that by their many words they will be heard. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.”

Again, this is what living with your own heart is like. My heart always knows what it is that I need. I need not ask her for things. To be honest, I’ve learned that she knows more of what I need that I do. The things I might want to ask for really would do me no good. Some of the things she gives me, which sometimes requires a somewhat unpleasant process in getting to them, would not be what I would ask for because I wouldn’t want the unpleasant process of getting to it.

So, because I’m willing and open to her, she just does the unpleasant process so that I can get to what it is that I truly need. Usually something I had never thought of but yet resembles something that I have always longed for, only perceiving it in a different way.

Much like how I perceived a spiritual life in the past. It is much different than what I am currently living. I thought it would require going away from the society and mediating day and night, while praying and sacrificing everything to have it.

Well, I found that it really didn’t require any of these things. It all happened while living a life within the society, doing the things I normally do and not having to give up anything but my life to my heart. Give up control over my life and let her guide me through this life, allowing me to follow the natural path of life rather than a force path based on images of what I thought life was all about based on the teachings of those who influenced me in the past.

At times I think that this is why my heart keeps me alone in the world. So that I’m not deeply influenced by the perspectives of others. I’m free to be open rather than shutting out things as others do. Allowing the infinite possibilities to flow all around me rather than coming to a conclusion and then stubbornly trying to force and maintain that conclusion. Never grasping at a possibility which flows all around me but allowing them to attach themselves to me. Never seeking an image of who I am but allowing my image to be formed naturally by my heart.

It’s not always easy or smooth. I am still affected by the world around me. I might wake up insecure by some vain thing in my life. But I simply let that insecurity run it’s course, never attaching myself to it. Sometimes I might wish for something else in life, but my heart quickly reminds me that what I’m wishing for is merely an illusion and that the reality of that wish would only bring me feelings of despair as they are based on the image of what I had been taught in the past, not the reality of what it truly is.

I still see these illusions, such as being with a woman or being close to someone. I can observe all the feelings that come with this desire. Of course their are carnal desires, though very different from that of most men. There is that feeling of some sense of completeness which resembles that of feeling safe with a woman. For some reason, a woman represents as feeling of warmth, comfort and safety yet, in my past experiences, this never happened.

They, as any human, are focused on what they need in life themselves, seeking the same things I am describing here and constantly being disappointed by the fact that they can’t find them here in the physical world, though they often deceive themselves into believing they have found some sense of this desire, if only to know deep inside of themselves that it really doesn’t exist and that they are merely furthering the illusion within their own minds as they go about doing the things that they believe solidifies this feeling of warmth and safety brought about through the physical world.

So no, this doesn’t exist. It is an illusion within the mind. A hope in something that simply doesn’t exist. A love that simply doesn’t exist. A comfort that simply doesn’t exist. Yet, this is what most humans dedicate their lives to finding. Finding this illusion. The perfect soul mate whose existence is exactly as their own and will fit perfectly into the mold of who they are and give them comfort and a feeling of safety and completeness in the world.

Ironically, this is the very description of the heart of which is basically the very thing that Jesus describes, rarely using the term “god” but using “Father” in a time in which all things were of the patriarchy and this term could be accepted by those of that time.

For me it would be “Mother.” My heart is of the feminine and thus reflects those feminine qualities. It is interesting that the Tao Te Ching also refers to her as Mother and refers to the universe in the feminine.

What is it about the feminine in relation to the masculine? Well, the masculine basically represents the physical world. The world of the physical body and the survival of the physical body. Where the feminine represents the heart and the spiritual. The realm of the universe and all things higher than this physical realm. Yet, here in this realm under the current perspective, the masculine is held with higher esteem than the feminine, thus meaning that the physical realm is held with higher esteem that then spiritual or the heart.

Thus you can see why people dedicate their lives to living for such things. Why it is that I feel I could find some sense of completeness through another physical being based on what I had been taught throughout my life which is all based on the masculine. Everything seen and taught both on TV and in most books is based on the masculine. Based on the physical sensuality rather than the spiritual sensuality.

Here is the basis of all their fears, fears based on the survival of the physical body which, in itself, is finite, but within it resides the infinite. The true being of each and every being on this Earth and throughout the universe.

So the heart is what each and everyone human is seeking yet they have been taught to seek the things of the heart in the physical. They look outside of themselves for these things when all of these things reside within each and every one of them.

It is an interesting dilemma that has seemingly entrapped humanity. One that spiritual teacher after spiritual teacher throughout human history as taught, yet most humans simply can’t conceive such a thing because it would change how they have been taught to perceive life.

In simple terms, it would mean turning everything they know upside down. Mainly, it would mean raising up the feminine to be held in equal esteem with the masculine. This alone would change everything for them. Mainly because this would bring balance and harmony back to their lives simply because it would bring balance and harmony back into themselves.

Yet, as I look out the window each day or walk down the street, this simple change is far from the grasp of humanity today. They still in most all ways, regard the masculine as the great protector and comforter, and they emanate from this the reality that they believe to be the true reality. They will focus and dedicate their lives to seeking comfort and security from the finite physical world, neglecting their own hearts, even going to great lengths to repress and oppress their own hearts then, in the end, wondering why they are experiencing so much pain and disappointment in life and in all that they believed they have achieved in this life, which brings no real satisfaction to them because they find that with each achievement they only desire more. For some reason, unbeknownst to them, they simply can’t feel satisfied.

It is interesting to say the least.