The Joy of the Heart

Another warm day but it seems that somewhere between now and mid morning tomorrow a nice North wind will come in and keep it about 25 degrees F. cooler than it has been. It will be a nice change, especially on my day off. It will be a good day to get out and do the things I didn’t do yesterday as I stayed in all day. I didn’t even open an outside door all day.

I thought about going out at one time, maybe going for a bike ride. But I lost interest in doing that simply because between here and the trails I like to ride there is a lot of traffic and I really didn’t want to deal with people yesterday. It was my day of recharge. So I recharged and just stayed away from everyone. It was nice. Very pleasant.

Today was a mellow day at work for the most part. I really could have used another day in a row for recharge but I get that second day tomorrow, which I will also use to go out a bit as I do need to do some things, like shopping. Yesterday I thought about going grocery shopping but then realized I was doing it only out of habit or routine. I really didn’t need anything. I will need to resupply tomorrow though.

Lately I’ve been having very vivid dreams. I think it’s the nicotine patch that I wear all day and through the night. I’m really enjoying them. Last night I actually became aware within them. I was thinking of how interesting it is to see the metaphor images of what is going on in my mind. So far I can’t see anything that I’m worried about or stressed about. This might be a good thing to be able to see.

The images are just random things and if I thought about it I could find that they are symbols for other things going on in my mind. After waking I thought about how it was sort of like something I saw while watching “Fringe” last night, where they go into Olivia’s consciousness trying to get her back because William Bell had been using her mind as a host, his consciousness resurrected from the dead.

They depicted her fears and concerns and these things became obstacles for them all. After it was all done, she faces these fears within her consciousness and when William Bell had left and she returned to her own consciousness or mind, she felt very different. Nearly fearless about life.

I can’t say that my dreams were like this but I was able to be the observer of these images and it was very interesting. Hopefully it will continue and maybe I will be able to observe these things more deeply and try to understand their symbolism, if any. It might be just miscellaneous thoughts and feelings releasing. Nothing prophetic or deep. Just random images interacting in different ways.

Today I had an interesting perspective of life going on. Maybe it had to do in part with my dreams. I began seeing just how much I don’t belong in this life. How this has tormented me all of my life and how now I actually enjoy it.

Very little within this society interests me at all. But I noticed something. Because of who I am, which is sort of a chameleon, if I were close to someone, I would enjoy the things they enjoy, simply because it brings them joy and it would bring me joy and pleasure through their joy and pleasure.

I know. This is very strange in this society, where people are all focused on what they enjoy and they want everyone else to enjoy what they enjoy. They want them to have the same perspective and enjoy the same ideas.

Where I could go from person to person and, if they would let me, I would simply enjoy their enjoyment of what the enjoy in this life. When I’m alone, I have some things that I might enjoy but more than anything, they are simply things to pass the time. Such as watching movies and other simple things I do. I know that by limiting the content of movies really helps me. Staying to simple, even feel good movies, just helps me to relax and calm my emotions and feelings, which is needed to balance my Asperger’s.

Today I did look at the headlines of the news on YouTube but didn’t actually watch anything. Well, I did start a couple but I had all I needed within about 30 seconds. Just keeping in the loop a bit without getting involved.

I could see through this perspective all the people in life who seem to not like me. Not for any special reason. Really, it’s more that they just ignore me and if I make any effort in getting to know them in the least, they push me away.

Well, this has been a common experience in my life, one that used to frustrate me terribly. All I wanted in the past was to be accepted but it was rare that I ever felt that feeling with others. It’s just like what I’ve experienced in trying to find a mental health therapist lately. Even when I talk with them on the phone, it’s like they really don’t want to deal with me. Like there is something that comes through my voice or words that, well, they don’t feel comfortable with.

This doesn’t bother me much at all anymore. At times, when I do try to reach out to someone and they, well, seem to express that they don’t want anything to do with me or simply disappear, this still bothers me a little. More in the fact that I don’t understand why this is happening. Did I do something wrong? I think it’s because I’m so honest with my thoughts and feelings and this makes them feel uncomfortable. I’m always quick with a compliment. A sincere compliment, not expecting anything in return but to know they received it and enjoyed it. This gives me great joy and pleasure. But it rarely happens.

It’s just like if I were close to someone and was allowed to simply enjoy their enjoyment in things. Give to them so they can enjoy those things more. Be a part of what they enjoy and support them in what they enjoy. Doing this just simply gives me joy and pleasure. I can’t explain the great joy that I feel when I cause a person to smile a deep sincere smile. It is actually almost orgasmic for me.

To be honest, it’s more pleasurable for me that having sex with them. The true pleasure is that I can have “orgasm” after “orgasm” by doing this. Not actually physical orgasms but orgasms within me. Sometimes I will feel such deep connection that it’s like an emotional orgasm that can result in tears filling my eyes from the beauty of the connection.

Again, from what I’ve observed, this is very strange in this society. A person who simply enjoys giving of his physical worth and time so as to experience something beautiful deep within him.

I don’t know. I know it’s not an acceptable manner in this society. Maybe not in any society. In my observations, most people are focused on the physical and the physical only. Even their belief or faith is physically based.

I watched the most absurd TV show today at lunch in the break room at work. It was one of those afternoon society shows called “The Talk.” They were talking about celebrities who have OCD. Several of them said that what gets them through is their faith and family. Even some of the other coworkers in the room cringed at this propaganda.

I immediately thought of ancient Rome and their belief in their gods. A belief that wasn’t only in their gods but were based on their society. It was their faith and their lives were spent trying to satisfy these gods so that they would be good to them. It is the same in this society and one of my first thoughts when I heard this was, “I can’t believe that people still believe such crap.”

The fact that they can’t believe in the true “god” which is within them. A “god” that desires only the best for them and can’t be truly accessed until they have released themselves from the burden of sin. Not by not sinning but by letting sin go. Once a person does this then they are free. Free to roam the universe and all things within it. Free to access their heart and allow their heart to guide them and, most of all, love them like they’ve never been loved.

But humans still dedicate their lives to the physical, even in their prayers as they pray for this fictional being to help them and give them what they think they need, rather than having true faith in their hearts and accept life as it comes, opening themselves to life, and no longer trying to control or change life, but to simply live life and be the true expression of “god.”

I saw another show at work on break where they were talking about going to a spa or something where they remove the fat from areas of the body and they can do so without leaving any loose skin. I guess the procedure lasts only 25 minutes and there is no recovery time.

Again, as I listened all I could here was concern for the physical and no concern for their true selves. They selves within them which is connected to all that is and all that ever will be. A self that knows no time nor limits. A self that has little to no interest in the things of the physical world but is willing to give freely to others and not judge them for what they do. This self simply wants to love others without asking anything in return because the return this self gets is far greater simply by completely the cycle of love which is through giving and receiving. Giving to others of their heart so as to receive the joy that it gives to another willing heart.

The main problem is that no one wants these gifts. They merely want more physical enjoyment, seemingly unaware of the true joy that resides within them. The true joy and freedom that is there in their own hearts, if only they would let go of their attachments to the physical and see that the physical is merely a landscape, a background, where they can experience and be the expression of the universe.