Simply Writing

It’s a lovely Spring morning that will probably lead into a rather warm afternoon. The sun is shining and the birds are singing which seems to be the normal right now, as it happens everyday. In the distance is the roar of the cars as they speed down the interstate going as the people go places that they want to go, and possibly at times places they really don’t want to go.

It’s Memorial Day weekend. This could be seen on my ride home from work yesterday. Many of the people seemed in a desperate hurry to get to where they were going while having to navigate through the many other people who were in a hurry to get to wherever they were going. Well, this does lead to accidents and one occurred at an intersection as I was passing.

Today I woke to even greater feelings of humility as my heart seemed to think it was important to show me my true insignificance in this life. That all of life is common and pretty much insignificant on it’s own, but together, as a whole, it is very significant.

It’s been a step by step part of the journey, as she has progressively revealed more and more of this to me. It’s not sad or depressing as it is calming in a sense. It’s one of those things that if she had shown me these things many years ago I would have received it in a different way.

This got me thinking about this journey as a whole. The past 2 years has been all about answering my life long question of “Why am I here?” A question that came to mind in my early youth and remained with me, simply because I never felt I belonged here in this life. Primarily because of having Asperger’s.

Well, I lived most of my life without this awareness. Yet, to get to where I am today, my heart had to answer that question and more. I had dedicated my life to that question.

So she gave me that supplement that allowed me to push myself as hard as I could to get to the heart of this and many other questions I had about life.

In the end, it all came down to expressing my own story. This required the process of shedding everything else, including my hyper focus on these questions, to get to this point.

Now, as a completely new journey begins, I can look back and see the insignificance of all that I learned. Not that it is unnecessary nor worthless. It will remain with me for the rest of my life. As I see it now, the true “destination” was to get to my story so I could live and express my story, which basically my primary purpose in this life. To express my little part of the universe who is expressing herself through all life.

Suddenly things are appearing that express what I am and what I enjoy. Such as the movies I now have access to and many other things. I am beginning to see me as I am.

This journey allowed me to explore my deep feminine side and bring it together with the masculine so now when I look at myself I see both and express both freely.

It has broken down my ego. Brought me down to the person that I really am.

Of course, this is still in process. But I can see, as I’m facing the same things I was facing before this journey, that I’m a very different person now as I face those things.

Mainly what came from all of it was the awareness of my Asperger’s. This alone is the answer to “Why am I here?” a question posed because I felt alien to this world. It’s also the answer to “Who am I?” Not so much the full answer but the gateway to allowing “I” to express itself. Not so much as ego but as an expression of the universe.

Today I could actually tell someone what I’m interested in doing. Where before this journey it was a difficult question for me to answer, even though I was often enjoying those things. I am also learning new things that I’m interested in doing.

Basically, understanding the workings of the universe is nice but really, it doesn’t matter much. It’s not necessarily my story. But I had to understand it in order to get to my story. This is what’s so interesting about it all.

Yesterday I was seeing optimism in a different way. Many times optimism is seen as being accepting of the things in this life and enjoying them as others do. Such as how some people in society look at someone like Greta Thunberg and say that she is depressed and mentally ill because she wants to save the environment for future generations.

They claim she is negative and depressed because she can’t accept human life as it is. She desires something different based on her perspective of how life should be.

This basically defines this optimism I’m talking about, one that I’ve tried to have in my life but it never fit.

I can now look out at this life neither disdain nor approval. This doesn’t make me indifferent to it. I can see an optimism within it all that, well, might come from all that I learned on this journey, making what I learned not so much insignificant at all. That it may have been needed at the time to bring greater perspective but is now becoming insignificant in that fact that I no longer need to pursue those things. I can now live my own story.

An optimism, that I’ve come to find myself seeing as a “hope” in my own life. I’m not a fan of “hope” but it is a word that somewhat described it. A light within the darkness. A path that is opening up that will finally allow myself to live as who I am, not by imitating everyone else.

Seeing myself as I am and being able to embrace who I am, even those things that aren’t so pleasant to experience but they too are remnants of the past that I’m now beginning to understand and manage within me, rather than being their victim. Sort of like making peace with the “demon” within me who has reeked havoc throughout my life.

Well, it’s all so interesting. I just wanted to sort of paint this image a bit as it is still coming into view. Writing brings things to life within me. Helps me to expand these things as they grow within me. Writing is sort of like magic to me. A strange force that comes to life simply because I wrote some words that describe what I’m seeing and feeling within me.