It’s a rather warm day today. The past few years at least one of the days of Memorial Day weekend had rain. This year it seems it will be sunny and warm throughout. This should make those enjoying their three day weekend happy as they go up to the mountains and lakes to have fun.
Today I am feeling better. Finally the storm seems to be lifting. I’ve learned a lot from this storm. I used to have these all the time and would panic when they would happen. This is why they nearly destroyed me in the past, before the journey. This was the first real storm since the journey and the difference is that I’m much more aware of myself because of the journey.
I was thinking today that this storm was caused by becoming overly stimulated. I can look back and see that this is what caused all my previous storms. Only then, I didn’t know what it was. I was not aware of my Asperger’s.
I can look back at this recent event and see even weeks before how I was slowly becoming overly stimulated. Going back a couple of weeks when I applied for a new job. I didn’t go through with it though.
Then came last Saturday. It was very busy at work and I was desperately trying to do everything. It was Sunday when the storm began and became worse each day. I went over the edge by pushing myself too hard.
It’s a good lesson because during this storm, different from previous storms, I didn’t give into it. I didn’t fight against it or try to change it. I did take herbs to help me through it, such as Passion Flower and Valerian. In the past I would view these things as the end of the world. I would feel so out of control as I would try and try to find something to end it. Because they do last a little while, I would become afraid that it wouldn’t go away. Because of this I would panic, causing panic attacks and then it would also cause them to last longer because I would continue to over stimulate myself.
This time I simply stood up to it, not fighting against but like standing against a powerful wind, I just stood there and took it.
It also opened up other doors by doing this.
Yes, I have found ways for me to go out and start living my story in the physical realm. Ways I have never thought of before, such as starting out in a support group then moving on from there. Learning how to socialize through my Asperger’s rather than just going out to groups, such a churches and other places, and expecting people to just understand my “condition.”
All that would happen there is like anywhere, they would simply stay away from me because they didn’t understand how I talked and my seeming intensity as well as an air of arrogance, which one can mistake in viewing a person who simply sits and observes. And yes, there very much could have been a bit of arrogance coming from me.
I will go through with seeing a psychologist for an official assessment. It will be interesting because when I’ve visited psychologists in the past, well, they had no idea what my problem was, why I was suffering so much anxiety and depression, and would usually refer me to someone else for medication.
Just like this storm, it isn’t so much chemical. This storm was exactly what I would experience in the past, sometimes for months and even years. It was literally like living in hell. Such pain that would never go away, mostly because I kept adding to the fire because I didn’t understand it.
Today a little door of change happened. This morning I was watching tennis before work. There isn’t much tennis right now but there will be a lot next week when the French Open officially starts. I know that it is playing first on ESPN then Tennis Channel will play the matches later and put them on demand.
Since there wasn’t much tennis to watch this morning, at least women’s tennis. I decided to go to the ESPN app and see what’s there. I found women’s softball, which I have always enjoy. A UCLA game was there on demand so I put it on. I like watching UCLA.
I noticed that other games were under ESPN +, so I couldn’t watch them. I thought about how I always have so much trouble finding things to watch and my taste in what I want to watch has definitely changed with this storm.
I don’t want to watch YouTube much anymore. I went there last night and it was just the same old propaganda playing. I didn’t watch a single video. I think I will cancel my premium subscription. The only thing is that I would lose Agnes Obel’s music. I think I can find her music elsewhere. Maybe just purchase all of her music and download it.
So I decided to just see what ESPN + would cost. When I got there was a bundle offer for ESPN +, Disney + and Hulu for $14. It seemed interesting but I was thinking about just getting ESPN + for $6. I already have Hulu and pay only $3 for it.
I put it all on the back burner and went to work. As I was riding home from work I thought that I might just go for it and get the bundle. I had no idea what would be on Disney + but I might like it.
When I got home I did it. I put on the app for Disney + and within 5 minutes I came upon at least 20 movies I would like to watch. This is very different from the other streaming sites where I have to search and search for something to watch.
Here were all the old Disney movies. The Pixar movies, which I enjoy many of them. I saw that the complete Star Wars series is there, which I was actually thinking of buying because I’ve wanted to watch it without commercials and on my own time.
Then I came upon “The Sound of Music.” Oh, I’ve been wanting to watch that again for a long time. I love that movie. It was another I was thinking of buying if ever I had the money to buy it as it is not a cheap movie to buy.
“Mary Poppins,” “The Incredibles.” The list went on and on.
Okay, I imagined the problem I would have at the other streaming sites. 90% of the movies are extremely violent or horror movies. Or extreme sex or other things that I have no interest in watching.
Last night I watched most of “Fiddler on the Roof” which I enjoyed. It’s so long that it began to cut into my bedtime so I had turn it off. I watched it on Amazon.
The only action movies at Disney + are the mostly the Marvel movies, which some of them I also enjoy.
Well, right now I’m watching the first Muppet’s movie. I always enjoyed the Muppets. If Disney as the complete series of “The Muppet Show,” which I used to watch all the time when it was on TV, I will have more than I can imagine to watch there.
It seems I will be entertained for a while. I would cancel Amazon, simply because they have failed to deliver my bike brakes twice now, until I finally just canceled the order. It’s because the hub isn’t working so they can’t deliver it. They won’t come to my door and deliver it to me personally.
I still need the brakes. I’m having to use my front brakes now because the back won’t stop me very well anymore. I just pump the front brakes to slow down.
Amazon is the only way I can get my kava so I will have to keep them, else have to pay for shipping. I would like to get out from under their control but I went to the website for kava and when I went to order the product there I was sent over to Amazon. There are other things that are easier to get from Amazon. So, by canceling YouTube premium it was balance out getting this bundle.
Anyway, I’m feeling better today. Still a little raw and sensitive but the pain as subsided for the most part. It’s probably still a few more days until I’m fully recovered, which is much better than it used to me, when these storms would go on for weeks and even months.
I do think that I will have to get another position at work. I can do it now simply because, from this storm, I learned to let go of things and not become so hyper focused on them. Just focus on myself and not others.
But I don’t think I will be able to do this position once Christmas comes. I believe it will definitely over stimulate me. There are other positions there that I think would work out for me. I might even enjoy them more.