Imperfect Beauty

It has been a bit cool this morning, in the low 40s F. It is supposed to get much warmer this afternoon topping around 80. Then it continues like this. The first week of June will be all in the 80s and even a day in the 90s. It seems Summer is coming in.

As I’ve been wiping my mental hard drive, I’ve been able to see many of the origins of standards that are in my mind and why I would perform such standards. I can see immediately that most of the standards meant very little to me.

I can see that most of them originated in my early youth. Again, being who I am with Asperger’s though not knowing it then, the people around me who seemed to always expect some sense of perfection, were always correcting me.

I didn’t like the conflict that came with constant correction. Therefore, I was take in the standards they imposed upon me and then try to adhere to them, even trying to stay ahead of them so as to avoid any conflict. I can still see this today in how I work. Where I will adhere to standards so that no one bothers me. No one comes around saying that I haven’t done this or that. Of course, this is very exhausting.

Add in the Asperger’s hyper focus, then I become hyper focused on these things, even personalizing them. Such as with my department at work where I will become so hyper focused on completing these standards that I will literally lose all focus outside of these things.

This is why letting go is the starting point to wiping this part of the mental hard drive.

I can see these standards in the simple things I do around my apartment. I’ve become much more patient with myself now but there were times where I constantly criticized myself for how I would do things because they weren’t based on the standards that came to me from people who have criticized me throughout my life.

For me, my Asperger’s is like being in a bubble which sort of obscures my perception of the world around me. At times, it’s like being under water, where my perception is very obscured and because of this it caused me to become afraid. At these times it’s like I’m also gasping for air.

When I do simple tasks I often do them differently than other people. Usually with several more steps to it. Steps that, to others, are unneeded.

This brought to mind something I thought last night about how the world is so mechanized with a process for everything. How everyone seems to be living to be as perfect as they can, with glowing white teeth, perfect skin, shiny hair, and an upbeat, non complaining attitude in life. Always seeking to be positive about everything yet this need seems to lead to being negative because things never meet up with the expectation of this image of perfection.

Much like how the ego works, they can never truly satisfy it therefore they are always looking for new ways to improve themselves which, in turn, satisfies the corporations who are always willing to find new things for people to buy and increase their profits. Profits themselves which are never satisfied. One can see the interrelation with personal insecurity and profits.

I can see in my everyday processes where I might get up to do something then, on my way, become sidetracked to something else, at times forgetting what I was doing in the first place.

Oh, this used to frustrate me to no end because, based on the standards I had been taught, I just failed.

Now I just let myself wander around and do whatever. Like at times I might get up for a glass of water and then see a box of rice (just an example) on the refrigerator. I might remember that earlier I had been thinking of what the nutritional content of the rice is. So I pick up the box of rice and begin reading the label and ingredients.

When I finish I might think, “Oh, what did I get up to do?” When I can’t remember I just go back and start something else. It’s not a problem because eventually I will get that glass of water. It’s not like I was become dehydrated or anything.

I was making breakfast this morning and was observing all the extra steps I take in doing it. Things other people would criticize me for doing because it doesn’t fit their standard of processing. Things that in the past I would then become frustrated and criticize myself for doing. Now I just let myself wander around and, in the end, my breakfast in made and I sit down and eat.

But these little things and many, many other even larger things, were what created all the standards I came to live by and my Asperger’s caused me to hyper focus on them and when these standards weren’t met, whether someone else was there to criticize me or not. I would suffer greatly.

It reminded me of the title of a video I once saw in passing that said something like, “How children from unloving homes come to hate themselves.”

I can see why I fell into such deep anxiety and depression for the last 10 or so years. It began when I was working for a large corporation making good money and then the recession came, in which I was laid off and wasn’t able to find a job for over a year.

All the standards that I had, which were based on the standards that other people had given me, mainly my mother of whom I had been living that sort of life for ever since her death where, on her deathbed, she asked me to be her success, I began to see all these standard fail before my eyes.

I watched as I was no longer able to pay the bills of which were larger than in my early life because I had been making good money and with good money comes greater expenditures. I watched as the years went on and I lost everything, these standards all failing around me and, in a sense, I was failing my mother because I wasn’t able to live up to her image of success.

Many of these standards weren’t with me earlier in my life. They all formed when I finally gave in and committed to trying to make a life in society, which ended up failing terribly, mostly because it makes little to no sense to me and I really have no personal desire for it.

So, within all of this, I could see how I lost my own story. I was literally living the stories of many other people. Mimicking what they want so as to try to be normal like they wanted me to be as well as to avoid conflict because I don’t like to be yelled at and criticized.

This is all interesting because I said in a previous post that my story is two fold. It is both a spiritual and a physical story. Throughout all of this that I was going through there were still a great spiritual story going on.

It is also why I stopped, for the most part, living the physical story. I can navigate the spiritual world much easier than the physical world. The physical world makes little sense to me, at least in relation to society standards. I can understand perfectly that I need food, water and shelter to live a comfortable life, all of which the society controls so therefore I have to relate to the society for these things.

But really, this is all I need from the society, yet these things become more and more difficult to maintain within the society as prices continue to go up and more and more the corporations seeks to satisfy their insatiable profits.

I was thinking that if I could simply secure a place to live and the means to pay for it, this is all I would need, other than the basic physical body necessities.

I’ve often wondered what they benefit for me would be in going through the process of becoming officially diagnosed with Asperger’s. This is something the therapist said on the message he left for me, saying that if I would like to seek becoming officially diagnosed that he could set that up.

Well, it might allow me to have some sort of disability status. This might allow me to get some rental assistance, even food assistance as well as it might allow me access to medical marijuana, which I know is something that would help me much more than their medications.

So it might be worth it. This therapist didn’t seem to be looking for a long term therapy relationship but possibly to answer my questions on Asperger’s, help me with some things and get me officially diagnosed.

Rather than smoking marijuana, I think it would be wonderful to just get THC supplements, such as gummies and such, where I can control the dose. I don’t like being high so much but just enjoying the cool buzz that relieves many of the things I experience in life because of my Asperger’s. Mainly, it slows my mind down and relaxes it. It relieves the tension in my muscles. It is an all around medication that eases anxiety and even depression. I know that back when I smoked it regularly my life was often much more balanced in many ways.

I was looking up other parts of marijuana, such as CBD and CBG. When I did I came to a site where a pop up appeared which was selling marijuana online. If only I was in a legalized State.

Well, all of this is coming because I’m now beginning to live my story here in the physical world. I’ve attained many or most of the things I ever wanted from the spiritual world. I can look up into the sky and still see all that I’ve experienced on this journey. I can look out at the chaotic world with the understanding of how it got here and why it is doing what it’s doing now.

Now it’s simply about living my story and expression here and now in this physical world. Interacting with life, which also includes those in the society and not worrying about the criticism I might get when people talk with me and see that I communicate much differently than normal and so many other things.

Sure, they are going to criticize me. They expect some state of perfection in themselves which causes them to expect it from those around them. Just as I would criticize others for not living up to the standards simply because I felt forced to live up to the standards.

Without the standards I have nothing to criticize others for doing. The thing I’ve noticed in this already is something I’ve always said but many times couldn’t see.

The greatest beauty in all people comes through their imperfections, not their perfections. To watch others wander around finding their way to their destination, making mistakes while getting there and seeing only as an organic, natural dance rather than a standardized, mechanical process of which they are failing to do, is so much more beautiful to enjoy, mostly because I get to enjoy this beauty more in myself.