As Doors Begin To Open

It has been a somewhat interesting day. I’m possibly coming to some realizations.

The physical story is one of the most difficult for me to live. One conclusion I came to a few minutes ago is that my heart does want me to live a physical story and this is why she has, in a way, abandoned me here in the physical realm, though she hasn’t abandoned me by any means.

My physical existence, as it stands now, is a lonely, painful existence. The same existence I was living before the journey began.

I’ve realized two things. One is that to live a physical story it does require interacting with other people. The other realization is that if I were to simply go on living my spiritual story I could live alone and without pain.

But my heart has said that I’m to live my own story, a two fold story, that is both spiritual and physical.

The physical story, because it is set in the physical realm, does require physical action on my part. This means working through problems and finding paths within the physical realm.

I’m not alone in this because my heart is still with me and always guiding me, but it does require mental processing on my part to find my way into this story.

So, where do I begin?

I started by calling the mental health therapist who left a message for me about a week ago. He was referred to me by another therapist who was my first choice but she has too many clients.

We spoke for a little while. I found his communication interesting as he stumbled through words, as if somewhat lacking in confidence in some way. I put this aside from using it as any form of judgement of him. I did a little research on him and he has been practicing for 25 years.

He said if I’m interesting in an official diagnoses of my Asperger’s then I would need to see a psychologist. I went on to say that I’m looking for confirmation of my speculations on my own assessment of my “condition” before moving on and spending the amount of money that would require.

I then told him the abridged story of how I came to this conclusion in my own mind, minus any spiritual aspects. I find that I should keep out any spiritual aspects as this is a physical story that I’m living. I believe that the spiritual and physical will meet at some point. Right now it’s all about focusing on the physical.

He wanted to set up an appointment but he doesn’t accept my insurance. The therapist that he works with, who was my first choice, does accept my insurance.

He said that he can talk with her and see what can be worked out. He then asked if I wanted to set an appointment. I said that I would rather wait until he gets the information on payment before we proceed. He thought this was a good idea also.

So, do I really have Asperger’s when I can make logical decisions like this? Well, I’m skeptical and I’ve dived into things in the past without covering all my bases and it has turned out badly, leaving me with large bills to pay. I would say that it’s just wisdom from past experiences in life.

After talking with him I thought about what it was that I was seemingly lacking in life that might cause me such pain. I know that most of it is created by my mind but I don’t attach any thoughts to those feelings so why does it continue to go on?

I believe it is a motivator to action for me. My heart knows that I will either seek to resolve it or simply give up and end my life. She knows that I’m stubborn and will try to find some resolution so I’m sure she isn’t worried of the latter in any way. She probably wouldn’t use it as a motivator if this was the case. Or maybe she would, because either outcome isn’t a loss. Death is just a new beginning.

With all that aside, I will continue on to live my story. I looked back on times when I’ve felt this way and the things that did resolve it. There were times when simply being around people I’m comfortable with would resolve these feelings. But this is difficult to find.

Those who make me feel uncomfortable, usually people who are allowing me to be around them out of pity of some sort will make me very uncomfortable. Those who allow me to be around them and feel that forcing me to do the things they enjoy that I’m not comfortable doing is another that makes me very uncomfortable to be around.

Truthfully, I need people who, at first, will simply allow me to be myself, even if that means my just sitting their quiet and observing the surroundings for a period of time, which is something that makes most other people uncomfortable.

If I know they accept me for myself then I will begin to open up more, even start doing those things that they like to do, such as interactive games and such, but I have to be comfortable to do so, not forced to do while I’m still in a state of being uncomfortable.

In the past, I’ve often referred to myself as a stray dog. You can’t just invite a stray dog who has suffered terribly in life to immediately be happy and friendly in a new environment. You have to let him come in, sniff around, eat a little food and drink some water, find a comfortable place to lay down and observe his surroundings before forcing him to do things he isn’t comfortable with, like playing and other things.

Well, with dogs people are more patient. With humans they rarely are, immediately placing expectations on them rather than allowing them to adapt.

This brought to mind the possibility of a support group, led by a licensed therapist. Being around others like me in some way. Being able to talk things out together. Build trust with each other so that we can then move onto other things that based more on personal interaction.

It all seems so complex but it continues to reveal my Asperger’s because it is complex in a neurotypical world.

I noticed that there weren’t many Asperger’s support groups. There is one that is a bit out of range of where I live and it is led by the same therapist who is my first choice at this other place, which is close to my home.

Because of this, even if I don’t get to see her individually as a therapist, she might be a good resource in finding a good support group.

I also found some support groups that aren’t specifically for Asperger’s but they might work also because “mentally ill” is “mentally ill.” I experience or have experienced many of the things that these groups work with.

I found one that is using art and self expression to work through issues. This one is somewhat nearby and might be interesting. But I think this might be a second stage support group. I believe I should find another group that is more first stage, come back from beyond, group to adjust to close interaction with other people.

Well, that’s where I am now. I will wait to see what this therapist brings back to me. I have decided that I am going to invest in doing all of these things, from individual therapy to going to a psychologist to be assessed officially as well as a support group, even if it means going into debt.

Though I just paid off most of my credit cards and most of the other one, well, I have to do this and I can’t let money get in the way. Unless my heart stops me and turns me in another direction, from my current perspective, this seem to be a rough idea of a path to coming back out into the physical world where my true physical story can unfold.

Or all of this could simply be me putting forth energy that my heart needs to make something else happen. It’s all in the action and motivation. I’m still at the mercy of, well, what happens. All I can see is the moment right now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. All I know is it will be different than it has been for me.

Something is shifting and it will only come through my putting forth action in some direction, even if that action causes another door in another direction to open. It is the way things work in the physical realm, which is both physical and spiritual, as both energies work in harmony with each other, though it often seems that most of humanity is in harmony with either energy.