It’s a nice Spring day today. The sun is shining with a nice breeze. It’s cool for late May but far from cold.
Something really happened to me. Some great change. I can only hope it stays. Today I felt a gentle calm within me after having gone through such a terrible storm within me that lingered on for days.
I was still feeling the storm this morning but simply put it aside. Last night I just laid back and allowed myself to simply allow the feelings to be there without seeking to define them or try to fight against them in some way. Then came the calm.
I noticed a change yesterday when the pain of the storm turned to melancholy. I think I can thank Agnes Obel for that because I was listening to her music as I walked over to get my second vaccine shot and cried all the way there. Not a painful cry but a great cry of relief.
I had to hide the sniffles under my mask as I spoke with the woman at the pharmacy, who asked me questions including if I have had a runny nose.
Then came the melancholy, the first step toward the calm.
It was a cloudy day yesterday which further enhanced the melancholy.
The music of Agnes Obel often brings me to tears from the beauty of the expression. Especially when I watch one of her live concerts from Paris. It’s my favorite because it’s when she evolved her music into creating musical landscapes. Oh, the emotion just flows through me. I can’t watch it without tissues nearby.
I really didn’t feel all that well this morning. I didn’t know if it was because of the vaccine. It didn’t feel that way. It was more like I was still recovering from the great inner storm. Still a bit shaky inside.
As it came time to go to work I noticed it had come to a calm. Then I noticed much of what I wrote yesterday beginning to become real within me.
I haven’t watched anything like news or anything intense. Last night I watched the movie, “A Hologram for the King” which was a comedy drama. I don’t know if it was propaganda against Saudi Arabia. I noticed I wasn’t really looking at it that way. I simply watched the movie.
This morning before work as just tennis. There weren’t many women’s matches but I enjoyed a women’s doubles match.
At work I was very calm. I noticed that I had released all standards, except my own. I actually talked with a coworker in the backroom and openly, without any hesitation, told her that I have Asperger’s. I talked with her about how everything has been affecting me at work as I try to maintain a standard that no one else seems to want to support me in attaining.
I talked about how my Asperger’s works and how I become overly stimulated in such situations. I found it interesting when I said that my therapist, who is actually my heart, had told me to just let go of it. Let go of what others are doing and just focus on myself and my own work and to quit trying to correct everything so as to meet the impossible standard.
She really liked the idea of just letting go of it. She too has been struggling with it. She is also a department manager and it frustrates her to come into her department to see what other coworkers have done to her department. “Just let go. I like that.”
I replied, “Well, if advice given to a person with Asperger’s works for you then go with it.”
This is the interesting thing about it all. This is the first time I’ve had a good, open conversation with another person in a very long time. I could see she was confused with how I talk. I don’t look her in the eyes and I talk with my hands in a side direction looking into the distance as I interpret all the images in my mind into words.
She, like others, are always looking in the distance where I’m pointing, which could be nothing more than an blank wall, but for me it is filled with the images I’m seeing in my mind and using the empty wall describe what I’m seeing. It must be strange for neurotypical people to listen to me. But she didn’t seem to mind much.
It was a short day, which I didn’t mind because I’m off again tomorrow. I need the time off right now. I do know that something really changed. It might be more like an evolution in my expression. Living my own story rather than looking at and even mimicking the stories of others.
As I was riding home I noticed something different. I was going rather slow and just looking around or down at the sidewalk or at a tree I was passing. I could feel the wind surrounding me and the sun shining down on me.
All of this reminded me of who I was when I was much younger. When I would go for rides on my bike, going very slow and just taking in everything. I would do that for hours. Just ride with no destination.
This caused me to think back and realize that when I was that age I really did live much more in the moment that I realized. I did crazy things in the moment but I rarely worried about much. Now I might worry a year in advance when back then, having a place to stay for a month was all I needed and I would worry about what would come when the month was up. It’s always interesting how something always came up. I’ve only been homeless once and it was intentional and was only short lived.
I spent a few weeks in a Summer just riding my bike around the city and sleeping on benches I could come upon in different place. I was still working and found disposable tin foil type grills and would cook up a steak on them in the park. This was back when the city was much smaller and not as populated.
Now I could never live as I did back then, all the crazy things I would do. But I can see that the mindset I had could be enjoyed today. Just not care. I rarely watched any news. I might go months on end without any information about what was happening in the world.
To be honest, I was just living my story back then. I can look back now and see the Asperger’s, which is maybe partly why I did some of the crazy things, and I didn’t even know it back then. I went about thinking I was just like anyone else, just being a rebel of sorts.
I passed a bookstore today, thinking about how rare they are now. Back then I would go into bookstores all the time and spend hours in them just looking at books and reading some of them. I spent hours in the library with small stacks of books I would find, browsing through them.
It was just something I did.
I was thinking that I should visit that bookstore someday, just to see what it’s like now. It’s probably been 10 years since I’ve been in a bookstore and I’m sure it’s changed. This is a large chain store. A company that I worked for about 30 or so years ago when I worked in a bookstore, or several actually.
All I can say now is that I do hope this feeling lasts. Looking back at those times in my younger years, it wasn’t all roses then but it was different from how it has become. I can see that some of what I was back then would help me now.
Help me to just let go and live my own story.