It seems it might be a day of writing as I work out this new question of “What is my story?”
So far I have taken it down to the basic. My story is two fold. It is a story that is both based in the spiritual and the physical. The first thing I’ve noticed in this basic assessment is that I have neglected the physical for the most part simply because it is easier for me to navigate the spiritual but the physical is also an important component within my story.
So it seems that it is time to come down to Earth a bit and observe my story here in the physical, which I have started doing based on my last post. A basic assessment of who I am here in the physical and what struggles I have along with my abilities.
Within this basic assessment I thought of some things that make me most happy here in the physical world. One is very interesting to me. That is how the music of Agnes Obel affects me. I don’t listen to any other music anymore.
A few days before the recent storm I experienced where my heart revealed to me that “I’m not really here.” I was listening to the music of Agnes Obel and was wondering why it is that it affects me so deeply, all the way down to the cellular level. I can feel her music through all aspects of my story. It raises me to heights of great spirituality as well as allows me to experience the physical at the same time through her music. As I’ve described it before, it’s the perfect blend of dark and light.
As I thought about this it came to me that her music reminded me of home. Then I had to ask, “What home? Not my home here in this life, the one I was raised within.”
Maybe another place and time came to mind. But even this didn’t match up. Her music is the perfect resonance of who I am. The home within me. My heart. No matter how I’m feeling, when I listen to her music I feel an ease within along with imagery within my mind that is, well, home for me.
The physical components of the music is representative of European folk music that is modernized through technology, though played with organic instruments. I can sense some Celtic sounds along with other folk music, but it is different from say Enya in that it has a broad dynamic of emotion and feeling. It fills the entire landscape of my being.
So her music is one of the things that gives me, well, pleasure and joy in this physical life.
The other is tennis. Watching tennis is so soothing for me along with being somewhat exciting. Right now is the beginning of the French Open and along with my subscription to Tennis Channel Plus I get to watch the qualifying rounds all week, which is something I’ve never been able to experience. It was wonderful to see the normal 6 or 8 channels expand to up to 15 channels of matches playing, all of which I can watch live and on demand with no commercials. This is true luxurious living for me.
So, do I need anything else beyond these simple things. Other than food, water and shelter, really not. Can it really be so simple?
Why then do I go out and look at all the things happening in the world being told to me through limited perspectives known as news?
Well, as I look at it, it has become a routine and I often feel that I might be missing something important.
I found it interesting that I am very informed about most things happening in the world. Such as the vaccine. I asked a woman at work if she was getting the vaccine. She was considering it. I then went on to tell her about my research. I was so surprised that she hadn’t even looked into it much. I could tell her about the vaccines, the politics behind the vaccines, the pros and cons, the side effects etc. She looked at my with an almost surprised look that I could offer all this information.
I find it the same with current events in the world. I listen to some people talk about current events and can see immediately that they are missing a great deal of the details of the things they are taking about. Almost the condensed, Twitter feed versions.
I don’t say anything. I just listen and go about my business.
It causes me to ask if it is really necessary for me to have all of this information when it really doesn’t do me any good. In relation to my own story, it has no relation to it. It is just stories of other people based on the perspective of other people. If I have food, water and shelter along with the music of Agnes Obel and the ability to watch tennis, then this would be enough.
This caused me to think about many other things. Such as the standards the go through my mind about everything. Just like problems, standards are subjective. If we had no standards life would still go on. The story of the universe would still be told. But humans believe that life would go into chaos if it weren’t for standards.
For me, because of my Asperger’s, I have learned to mimic standards as well as the characteristics of other people in my struggle to seem normal, always finding that most people don’t even try to live up to the common standards and if I were mimicking them correctly then I would have little standards also. Only the standards that best serve me.
So why do I sacrifice to fulfill such impossible standards that, in all truth, mean nothing to me. It is all an attempt to seem normal when, in fact, by seeking to fulfill them only makes me seem even more abnormal?
As I walked to the grocery store with these thoughts going through my head, listening to the music of Agnes Obel, it came to me that what I might need to do is a near complete wash of my mental hard drive. In a sense, reformat my mental perspective.
In a sense, this is what began with the last dreadful storm that I experienced, as I had to lay there listening and feeling my ego cry out in terror as it was being ripped from my skin like tar.
This is why it was so painful for me, down to the cellular level and it is why it is taking more time to recover from it, thus causing me to write more because it really was a huge event, one that this journey has seemed to be leading me to step by step over the past 2 and a half years.
What I can see within all of this is what seems to be a great simplification of things in my life and mind. Basically, it seems to get back to the true story being expressed through me means to erase all the stories that I’ve attached to through mimicry so as to seem normal, which really only caused me to seem even more abnormal to others.
I thought about how it is like being blind because I have difficulty reading situations and people. I have noticed that I read situations and people based on routine. Once these things go out of routine I then have to adjust to them. If I can’t assess the reason for the change, which is based on reading the situation, then I can become confused and my mind tries to compensate by forming reasons for the change, which are usually negative and blaming myself for causing the change.
About 99.9% of the time, when I do inquire about the change, it had nothing to do with me. So why I do this is a mystery but this too can change based on simplification.
Yet, it came to me that if I am blind in this way, why not look into how literal blind people navigate the world. I found it interesting that, because they are blind, their other senses are greater and they rely on them.
Well, maybe this is key in my own blindness. Find other senses to rely on rather than relying on my own perspective that is skewed because I can’t put together the full image of each situation. But what are these senses?
Well, one is the sense of communication, which is often difficult because, even though other people talk a lot, usually light talk, the type of communication I need is not something they are used to offering so it confuses them. It’s often like I’m talking in a foreign language, which I’ve experienced most of my life and is why I had gone long periods in my life saying very little to other people. It just wasn’t worth the frustration of trying to relay what it is that I’m saying and their impatience with trying to understand me.
It’s like something I experienced yesterday. I was walking down the main aisle and a coworker called me over to help a customer. He said that he can’t understand what is that he wanted. This caught me as odd, that this coworker whose job it is to serve the customers, was giving the customer to me because he can’t understand him.
Well, the man spoke French. I could tell because he was using a translation app on his phone and the words were French. As for his speaking, he seemed to not only speak French but speaking in general wa difficult for him. This made it even more difficult.
We started speaking more in gestures. He wanted some sort of glove. I named off different types of gloves. I asked if it was for baseball. A mitt. He nodded. I took him to the baseball gloves and it wasn’t what he was looking for. Finally he looked it up and said the word cold. Gloves for cold.
Well, cold weather gloves are out of season so there weren’t any. The whole thing is that I just kept trying to understand him, unlike the coworker who just gave up on him, passing him off to me.
This is what it’s like for me. Most people just assume they understand what I’m saying, making snap judgements and never try to get to the heart of what I’m trying to communicate. When I try to elaborate they get impatient and just give up on me, leaving there without what I was needing or looking for.
This too could be something I need to look into. I know I can’t speak their language in the literal but I need to find a way to get my point across in language that they can understand, which is language that avoids any elaboration. They like it straight to the point.
I perceive thought in images so I have to translate those images into words. This is why I have to elaborate and use metaphor to describe what I’m thinking.
Yes, it makes things difficult but blind, deaf and mute people navigate life. People go to other countries where they can’t speak the language of those countries. Yes, it is difficult and I’m sure that each one of them hopes they will come upon a patient person to help them along. As I’ve found, patient people are very rare. So you just have to do what you can based on your own abilities.
For me, this means relying solely on my heart for guidance through it all.