Many A Story

It’s another day. The sun is shining and the birds are singing. At least there are something one can depend on in life. Even if there are clouds, the sun is still shining, only obscured by the clouds.

Yesterday I enjoyed listening to a short video of Alan Watts where he was talking about how weird existence is. I found it interesting that he said something, almost word for word, that I’ve said for many years.

“We are little organisms living on an insignificant rock that orbits an insignificant star.” And I usually add, “Here at the edge of this vast galaxy of billions of stars with billions upon billions of planets that is only one galaxy of billions of galaxies in this physical universe.”

Yet, as my heart told me a few days ago when I was going through some things, “Live your own story.”

It is so amazing to think of such things. Of how seemingly insignificant humans are yet it is so amazing that they exist at all out here seemingly all alone in a universe that, for the most part, is completely unknown to them. Going about their business. Many times living life as if they are of great importance to the universe. Even at times in their history believe that all within the universe revolved around their existence.

Yet, living my story is the only thing that is important, at least this is what my heart has told me.

I look out at all that is going on in the business of humans. All the conflict and divisiveness. Petty disputes and the living of illusions they bring forth from words they read in books. Demanding possession of some things for certain people while withholding these things from others who are seemingly different from them.

All the while, people pointing out these things and wishing they were different. Complaining about the injustices. Speaking at length about how things should be in their perspective. Yet it all just continues on.

And my heart tells me to live my own story.

Well, my first question is, “What is my story?”

It’s fascinating that I have to ask this story. It’s not, “Who am I?” or “Why am I here?” both questions I have lived my life seeking to answer.

It is a question that I can answer myself for the most part without having to seek it out from the universe. I am my story.

I can see that it’s not about where I’ve been or what I have experienced in the past. My story begins today based on who I am today.

I’m not the writer of the story per say. But I am the character and characteristic of the story. This means that I not to go out and create my own story, believing that I have such an ability to just go out and force my own story into being. Demanding of life that it do as I say. This is like a Christian telling “god” that they are doing to do as they want and make life in their image and not in “his” image. What’s the point of being a Christian of they don’t abide by the rules of their “god.”

Yes, there are rules in the universe and their are rules within my own individual story. The first is to realize that I don’t truly have free will. I can believe I have free will and go out and do as I want; but to what end? What does this offer to me?

In a way, I would end up doing what most people are doing, at least in this society, I would be focused solely on my individual story that I believe I’m writing and not on the story that is being written by the true writer.

Well, of course we could argue that no matter what I do it is the story being written by the true writer. There is no right or wrong in the universe.

This leads me to my own desires. To be honest, I have no desire to attain such things in this life. I have no desire for power and control over anything in this life. I simply wish to live in harmony with everything else in this life, which seems nearly impossible when the structure of the society is to live in conflict with everything and everyone else as each person seeks to write their own story, which may very well be the story of the true writer.

So there is no true definition of a story. All stories are being written by the true writer. In a way, this makes it all very confusing. Well, only if you try to relate your own story to every other story.

My heart said to live my own story not the story of everyone else.

The interesting thing that it is like one of those movies where they tell 4 or 5 different stories of the lives of different people then show how they all connect at one point.

I can see that each and every story, no matter how individual or divided they might seem, all come to a point where they connect with all the other stories, billions of stories running at the same time, connecting at one point. This point is that is all comes from the same consciousness. The universal consciousness.

Of course, I then ask, “Isn’t selfish if I focus solely on my own story? Isn’t my own story connected to all the other stories?”

Of which I can answer from what my heart has already taught me over and over again, “You can’t help or save humanity in any way.” This does seem to divide me from the whole of humanity. But really what it shows me that I’m not the writer of the story.

In many ways, this is now about piecing together all the things that my heart has taught me throughout this journey, which isn’t all that difficult because most of her primary teachings are simple and there aren’t many of them. The interesting part is that they seem simple and, at the point that she initially taught them to me they seemed like they were based solely on an individual event, but later I found that these teachings were very general and covered most every situation or event in life.

I would come to a point and ask her guidance and she would simply repeat something she already taught me before.

It’s wonderful that my heart is patient because I’ve heard her over and over again but again and again I keep finding me in situations where it seems I never heard what she said.

So, to begin with, I am a middle aged man who, in the past few months, realized that he has been living his whole life with Asperger’s and didn’t know it. It seems that everyone else knew it, though they didn’t know it by name. They simply knew that I was different. Some tried to accept it and others rejected it, demanding that I be like they believed I should me, unaware of how much this confused me.

Yes, this is something I’m now beginning to see, just how easily I become confused. I find it interesting that I’m not confused by all the greater things of this life, the “spiritual” things, which come so easily to me while most people in the world can’t see these things. It’s the everyday things of life in this society that confuse me. Interacting with others is definitely something I have difficulty with.

I can see that I truly have trouble reading situations in relation to other people. In many ways, it is truly like being blind. I require more communication that other people. I need to ask questions and seek out perspective from other people in relation to situations I might be facing.

The interesting things is that most people can’t seem to understand what it is that I’m asking, simply because they don’t understand why I would be asking such things. Needing details that, for them, are irrelevant and even an inconvenience for them to have to take the time to answer.

I was thinking about a question I’ve asked many people, usually in the work environment. I asked this question even before I became aware of my Asperger’s.

I would ask, “What perspective do I need to do this job?” I would usually ask this when I would become confused. I would feel that I was doing everything they were asking but it would seem that I wasn’t able to fulfill what they desired.

I’ve noticed a certain confusing standard to what most managers are asking that goes beyond my current job but throughout my life in the workforce.

They create a standard that is nearly impossible to achieve, that even they can’t fully achieve. Well, the problem with this for me is that I’ve realized that I my mind seems to work like a computer in a way. It works with routines. If they ask certain things of me I then form a routine around those things. The more they ask the more I add to the routine. At times this means that the routine contains more than what a person can do in a day. Yet I will try to do it.

At this point, they will then ask me to do other things. I call these subroutines. I’m going along on my routine and then they ask me to do a subroutine, a temporary change to what I’m doing.

Well, now it all depends on how they write this subroutine. They don’t seem to know that if they come to me and ask me to do something else without writing a full subroutine I will go with what they ask. Such as, if I’m working on something and then they simply say they need me to go and do something else, I will just drop what I’m doing and follow that subroutine.

Then they might come back later and ask why I didn’t finish what I was doing in my routine. Well, the gave me a subroutine without full instructions that I should complete the routine and then start the subroutine.

This is just one example of communication. It also comes back to the standard that they set. This standard becomes the basis of my routine. Yet I rarely get support in this routine and often feel that I’m alone in trying to complete this routine. Mostly because they ask others to fulfill this standard but they refuse to do it, choosing to do it their own way.

This adds to my work, because I’m trying to complete the routine, which then means that I have to correct all the things that these other people are doing so as to make the routine complete. This bogs me down even more.

Then, when I tell the management of this they look at me as if I’m crazy. They tell me that this is how it has always been. Yes, we ask you to fulfill this standard and we know that it’s an impossible standard, still expecting you to bring it to life while, at the same time, knowing that you can’t do it and then telling me, “Just do what you can.”

This is where it gets interesting for a person with Asperger’s. I feel as if I’m failing in some way because I can’t complete my routine. Routine is very important to a person with Asperger’s.

Well, this is where living my own story comes into play. In many ways, by trying to live up to such standards I am trying to live their story. The same story that is going on throughout the world with all the confusion that is going there that I briefly described toward the beginning of this post.

One of my Asperger’s abilities is that I’m able to see problems and trends relating to those problems. Problems are subjective in many ways. They are often formed from standards. If the standard isn’t being met then it is a problem. Much like, if some people are being fed well and others are starving, this is a problem based on the subjective standard that there should be equal portions for all people.

Then, based on this same standard, if people who are starving then steal to eat, they are a problem because they are breaking the laws of the standard, even though they are simply trying to survive.

Can you see how confusing that simply example that is very real throughout the world and even in the US where there is ample food to go around.

Well, it seems I rambled on about this all the way to over 2000 words and it feels like I’m just getting started. Getting started to first understand my own story so I can live my own story. This may mean putting aside the standards that surround me, which I am finding that I simply mimic just as I’ve mimicked others throughout life so as to seem normal.

My own story shouldn’t be a story of mimicry. At least it doesn’t seem it should be. Mimicking the world around me when there I am my own story being told through me.

Well, the fascinating thing about all of this is that it almost seems that life just started anew for me in some way. A life that will no longer be about mimicking the stories of those around me and throughout the story but a story that is my own story that I am living which then connects to all the others stories being expressed by the universal consciousness.