Today is a nice, somewhat cool day for late May. Not cold by any means. A bit of a breeze under partly cloudy skies. The birds are singing outside which is always pleasant to hear.
Today was a very different day for me. The last few days have been very difficult. The storm within that I experienced a couple of days ago took a lot out of me. It was stronger than I’ve experienced in a long time. While within it I was begging my heart to make it end but she won’t make it end until it has served it’s purpose.
This is the interesting thing about the storms now. They are the same storms that I had before this journey which I called panic or anxiety attacks. They are different now because I perceive them differently. I experience them with all the tools that my heart has taught me throughout this journey. Mainly to allow myself to feel the feelings but don’t try to change them or fight against them.
Believe me, it was very difficult to do during this storm. It was very painful. Painful down to the cellular level.
They often leave me in a sensitive and raw state of being afterward. Sounds and smells are much stronger and can be irritating. Touch is also rather irritating.
The difference now is that I have come to understand what they storms are that happen within me. They are mainly my ego seeking to have identity within me. This is what all the thoughts are about. My identity within the society, of which my identity in the society isn’t much. My ego causes me to see myself very low within the standards of society. This is because it demands to be higher than others and when I can’t provide this for it it then has a fit within me, demanding that I do something to make it feel greater than others.
In the storms I don’t fight it. I let it scream, much like just letting an infant scream when it is upset though it has all it needs. Of course, the ego is never satiated and constantly demanding more and more. When it doesn’t get it, well, it seemingly would desire self destruction. Destruction of me.
These experiences, when I don’t fight against them, actually exorcize the ego out of me, piece by piece. This last one, I’m hoping, exorcized it out of me because I don’t want to go through another like it.
Looking back at the weeks preceding this storm, I can see that the ego had become prevalent in my life again. Demanding and cynical of life. Judging others harshly to make it feel greater than others. Maybe this was part of the process, to bring it out into the open. I know I wasn’t very happy being that way but I just let it happen as it seemed to be happening naturally.
Like I’ve said before, the storms often feel like tearing tar from my skin. This one really felt that way, in a large way.
I noticed today, even after having had very little sleep the past few days, I had energy and was actually very open and positive with people. I was very helpful and little upset me.
I was supposed to get a package today. I ordered new brakes for my bike. I received a message that it was delivered but it wasn’t delivered to the normal place, at the hub. It simply said it was delivered to the mailroom.
So I went to the manager’s office to see if it was there. They have a mailroom there. I couldn’t find it.
The interesting part of going there is that I realized I hadn’t been there for a long time. I don’t know if it’s because I’m beat up from this last storm or what, but when I went in it felt like I was thousands of miles away from them though I was standing in front of them.
When I got home I thought that I might need to go out more, to different places, just to resocialize myself somewhat.
Well, this is interesting because I sort of feel that this journey as it has been has ended. I don’t want to go any further. All my questions have been answered and, being me the explorer, I have gone so deep into this realm that I feel that if I go any further it will lead to literal madness. At least, this is what this last storm caused me to feel. At times I was losing a grip on perspective.
I find it so interesting that I can go through such a traumatic experience and yet continue going to work each day. While in the midst of it, I have to admit that there are moments when I don’t want to go to work. But my heart has trained me to keep going forward no matter what. And at work I do my job and work with people as if it isn’t happening.
When I was begging my heart to make it stop, she reminded me that I’m a very strong person and that I can endure. Well, considering all the little things that most people call out from work for, maybe I am a very strong person. All I know is that my heart will guide me through each day so I just let her guide me through. She is actually my strength and she is me.
Well, the interesting part of the package was that it didn’t frustrate me in the least. I came home and reported it missing to Amazon, having to use an automated chat, which this usually frustrates me to no end. But nothing of the sorts. I have to wait till tomorrow to have it replaced. No big deal. Sure, my brakes are shot on my bike they still stop me. I’m off work tomorrow so I don’t need it anyway.
All in all, I did find this interesting because things like this usually frustrate me.
I also noticed how I was looking at other people. Nothing like I normally do. All I could see were stories playing out. I watch a woman walk by and see only a story that she is living that is being written for her by the universe.
I noticed that there is nothing to judge because I can’t judge any story that is being written by the universe. They are all as they should be. This has been a difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around as this my heart has been teaching me for a long time. Today it seemed very natural.
Even looking at the news. It was all simply perspectives of things that are going on in the world. I thought about the Palestinians and realize that what was frustrating me before about how they are being treated really had to do with my empathy for them. The fact that I wouldn’t want to be bombed or have authorities breaking into my home and taking me to jail simply for being different from them.
Yet it really does end there simply because this too is just a story. A sad story that is painful for many people. Empathy does carry a bit of selfishness within it. It often comes with the fear of it happening to myself. This is mainly what is made up with.
It seems that Israelis are making their move to rebuild the Temple. Storming the mosque and defiling it. They have become very aggressive toward the Palestinians as if they are not going to stop this time. Israel has the support of most Christian nations as these Christian nations are filled with Christian Zionists who desire to have the Israelis there and to have the Temple rebuilt which is supposed to be a sign that Jesus is returning.
Well, for me, it’s simply a story that is happening in the world. I could be selfish and feel empathy for it all because of my own fear of it happening to me, but this means taking sides and taking sides means that I’m judging both sides. One as being right and the other as being wrong.
This concept alone was something that was difficult for me to wrap my mind around in the past. I always felt that I had to choose some side or the other. The interesting thing is that this would be ego. Ego seeks to be greater than others. By my choosing a side I’m desiring one to be greater than the other and thus it is an action brought about by ego.
Instead, I just watch the story unfold as well as simply allowing my own story to just unfold.
The interesting thing about this is that most people in the society would call this “giving up.” One must always take a side and fight for that side. This has been the narrative in this society and most all societies throughout history. Yet it is always self defeating.
Tomorrow I get the second dose of the vaccine. They say that more side effects happen with the second dose. I guess I will see what happens afterward. I’m glad it will be over, unless of course we then need boosters in the Fall. I’m not sure if I will do that but, like everything else, I won’t know until the time comes.
I still wear a mask at work but I’m a little more liberal elsewhere. I didn’t wear a mask into the apartment manager’s office. I still wear one when I go grocery shopping. I can’t say if I’ll just drop it all together.
The interesting thing about people dropping the mask at work is that I’ve seen them in a mask for nearly a year. Now that they take off the mask it’s almost like what happens when a man shaves off his beard, they look different. Clean shaven sort of different.
I guess I’ve covered the thoughts and experiences up to this point. I can’t think of anything else right now. I will go back to watching “Fringe” which has been interesting because I’ve watched the entire series, maybe 8 years ago or so, but it’s truly like watching it for the first time. I only remember very small things but the overall story is like it is all new, which is great because it is a very suspenseful and exciting show.
I don’t normally like shows with such intense action but in this show, well, it all fits together nicely and it doesn’t really affect me. I can see how the show has helped me to push through this last period of the journey. Allowing me to open up again to the possibility and thus thrusting me through the place what was having trouble getting to before.