Meanderings

Today is a little cooler than yesterday. The wind is picking up as the next storm arrives. It is sunny and nice outside. Very comfortable.

I went out on my bike today to a health food store to pick up some chia and sesame seeds. I decided it was probably best to go there rather than to a regular store as I can buy them in bulk there. Though it’s not as it used to be, where they had large barrels full of seeds and nuts and I could weigh out what I want. The barrels are still there but they are filled with pre-weighed bags. Just more of the changes during Covid.

It’s interesting to see some people wearing masks and others not wearing masks. There was a sign on the door saying that they recommend wearing masks in the store. I continue to wear a mask as I’m not fully vaccinated. I’m not sure what I will do once I am fully vaccinated. We will see then.

Yesterday at work a customer came over to ask me a question. She was a very friendly and kind older woman. While I was helping her she received a te message on her phone. She looked concerned as she read it.

She looked at me and said that her and her daughter went to get the Pfizer vaccine several months ago. Her daughter just sent her a text to say that she has Covid. She said that her daughter had been having trouble breathing so she went to the doctor a few days ago. Now she received the results and it is the virus.

This older woman was wearing a mask even though she was fully vaccinated and said she will now continue doing so.

I decided to experiment a little with the seeds I bought today. I made one batch of almond milk sweetened with banana along with chia seeds. I put one cup of almond milk and a quarter cup of chia seeds together and mixed them up. Then I covered them and put them in the refrigerator to sit for about 6 to 8 hours.

I decided to try something different with the sesame seeds. I got on line to see if anyone else had tried it. Maybe it won’t work. I put a cup and a half ot almond milk along with a quarter cup of chia seeds and also the same of sesame seeds. They say that soaking sesame seeds is better to get the full nutrition.

Of course there are some complex way of doing this with water. I guess in a sense they are sprouting them. I just thought I would try this and see what happens. Maybe it will be terrible. I’m sure it won’t taste terrible so I can enjoy them.

Yesterday, among all the other things I had been thinking about yesterday, which I wrote about some of them in my previous post, I also thought about something else.

It goes back to something I wrote about a few posts ago, about how the people here in the US feel they deserve to live this way while others suffer around the world so they can live this way.

It brought to mind the vanity of it all and to think that they all put so much passion into making money and spending that money on unnecessary things so as to satisfy their egos.

It came to mind what one of these people might think later in their lives, maybe even on their deathbed. Was it all worth it? Was it really a satisfying life for them? Do they have any regrets once the passion is gone and now they might be able to see through the noise and into the true reality of it all?

Well, I can’t answer this. I know my mother had many regrets about her life but all the way to the day she closed her eyes for the last time she denied it. She believed she lived a good life and did everything she could to ignore all the things that weren’t so good that she did. I know she did everything she could to avoid talking with me about the things that happened to me in her care when I was young.

As I thought about all of this, I thought about what would be satisfying for me at that time, lying on my deathbed. Well, all I could think of was that I would like to say that I my participation in all of this madness was very minimal. Going back to something I used to say when I was younger, I wanted to walk lightly upon the Earth.

I’ve been thinking about the reason why I have felt it important to possibly see a mental health therapist. It came to mind again because I received a call from a therapist inviting me to a session.

Again, this was interesting. The therapist that I initially contacted never responded. Then, a few weeks later, I hear from another therapist saying that she has too many clients and he would be happy to see me.

As I thought about my reasoning for seeing a therapist I could only come up with things that really don’t matter all that much. It’s been on my mind lately that I’m alone in life. I have to face everything alone. Because of my Asperger’s, in the past, I’ve struggled to understand situations and how to resolve them correctly. Well, back then I was unaware of my Asperger’s and I can see that I was terrified because I was trying to be something I wasn’t which was in direct opposition to who I am.

My Asperger’s does have demands and if those demands are met then it will fight against me. If I meet the demands then it works with me and even makes me a better person overall.

So of course, when I was unaware of it and expecting myself to be like other people, trying to force my mind to do these things, it left me in great conflict with myself and thus, I had no clarity of thought.

As I’ve been documenting, I’ve been experimenting with it. First was to bring in routine. Within a week of bringing in routine everything changed for me. In great ways it changed. I became more clear of thought and not tired all the time. I can even feel the small bouts of feelings of anxiety even disappearing.

This routine, though just a core or general routine, brought back focus of mind to me, which is also important to my Asperger’s. It was interesting how it naturally occurred once I created routine again in my life.

This is something my heart has been telling me lately as I’ve thought about deepening this routine. It came to mind to make lists and schedules so that I can adhere to them. My heart pointed out that is wrong but that I need to allow the true routine that is me to form naturally. Simply add in the things of the routine without scheduling them and, over time, they will schedule themselves naturally. It’s not about doing things at a certain time but allowing these things to form their own schedule naturally.

What I see in all of this is that this causes my own expression to form through it all. My natural expression. An expression that is both routine as well as being spontaneous. Allowing each moment to form itself naturally as well as my own routine forming naturally around the moment.

It means that I’m not taking control of my life, where I would be forcing things into their proper place. But allowing myself to flow through each moment as it is naturally supposed to be.

This allows inspiration from the moment to form, which comes from my heart. She only speaks in the moment when something is happening. Any preparation for a certain moment is also done in the moments preceding the event. Like pieces coming together naturally to form of the image of the greater moment and, once this image comes into form, then my heart will speak and show me what to do within that moment.

So, as I again thought about seeing a mental health therapist. Another thing that came to mind is that, if I were to have this on my record, this might help me in other situations in life I might come upon, where I might have to explain my “condition” to others in the society. With record of therapy it might make them feel more comfortable with my condition, instead of it seemingly being running on it’s own, with professional help.

Okay, this means that my only concerns in seeing a mental health therapist was because I have concerns about facing life alone and because it might help me in future situations with others in the society. Maybe to even get an official diagnoses.

When I thought of this it came to mind that it wouldn’t give me these things, mainly because I don’t really want those things. I don’t desire those things. The only reason I would desire to be with other people on a regular basis is simply for the image it would give to others in the society who are afraid of “loners.”

It also has to do with my somewhat fear of being able to deal with life on my own. All the unknown things that might come up in the future. It might be easier if I had other people in my life to help me through those times.

Well, this would mean that I would be forming relationships and maintaining them simply to resolve my own seeming fear of facing the future unknowns, with the hope that they would be there for me in those times, such as if I have to move the will help me to move.

Throughout all of this I couldn’t help but think that I have no desire to form such relationships. They would be more of a hindrance to my life than a benefit. All their drama wants to become my drama. I have to deal with their perspectives of life that probably won’t coincide with mine and, being who I am, they will always try to change my perspective to meet theirs because this makes them feel safer.

I’m on a wonderful journey that requires my freedom from such things. Sure, it might seem like madness to others and even make them afraid of me, though I have no idea why anyone would be afraid of me.

Then it came to me what my heart has always said to me throughout this journey. She will always provide for me. All she desires from me is my complete love and dedication to her.

Well, she has all of this from me. It takes no effort for me to give her love and dedication as it is who I am and she is everything I am because she is me.

So I found all of this interesting to work through. I simply continue on, even if I am mad in doing so, with the complete knowledge that I am strange and odd to the world around me. I am simply here to observe the madness that is going on around me in this world.

The amazing part for me are times like yesterday, when my heart takes me on journeys to understand what is going on which, interestingly, gives me greater peace. I don’t have to blindly go through all of this, though I also don’t know the entirety. She reveals to me each part as it opens up and is exposed, giving me greater insight into the whole while I simply do my job and observe the world of humanity as it continues to express it’s seeming madness which is all simply the natural course of humanity as it head to it’s great reduction.

I now longer see it as “destruction.” It is simply humans leading their own selves to their great reduction and thus, the release of the great passion that is currently blinding their eyes and, in that time, on their deathbed they will finally see reality as it truly is which will give birth to new humanity who will have a greater understanding of themselves and their relationship with the universe they are within and, well, finally see that they are the very universe that today they seem to believe as being separate from them and thus, something to fear and fight against. Realizing finally that they one spent their entire existence fighting solely against themselves.