Passing Through Change

It’s a beautiful Spring morning with sunshine along with still being cool.

Now that I have a more consistent work schedule I’ve started to bring more routine into my home life by trying to go to sleep and wake at the same time. It’s still a little erratic which I expected at first. It will probably take weeks for it to fully set in.

After watching the tennis match of Petra Kvitova last night I saw that Camila Giorgi also played yesterday. It was a 4 hour match, which surprised me since they are only 3 set matches. I wondered if there had been a weather delay or something.

I started watching and, now with the luxury of being able to watch matches on demand, I was able to fast forward through it, stopping at places to see where it was at that time.

Well, every game was played to the max. There were no quick games. Each one went to deuce and then back and forth to advantage until one would win. This is why it was so long.

I fast forwarded to the last set to see that Camila was ahead 4 games to 1. I figured she would pull it off. I enjoy watching Camila who looks like a Barbi doll, dressed in all pink, but is a power hitter. She is a bit erratic though, always going for the most risky shots. Maybe it’s because she is Italian and passionate.

Well, I fell asleep about this time and woke to see another match playing. I wondered who won. I looked it up and Camila actually lost. She won only one more game while her opponent won the rest and won the match. I was shocked but then remembered what an erratic player she is.

She also had some trouble with the umpire, who seemed to have it out for her. First the umpire allowed her opponent to challenge a ball that she returned and only challenged after she had seen that her hit had gone out.

I even picked up on this and found it to be wrong. But the umpire allowed it and Camila protested. The umpire treated her like an irrational child.

Later, when Camila was serving and her opponent was in advantage at game point, she was bouncing the ball preparing to serve when the ball got away from her. She simply requested another ball. The umpire punished her by giving the point and the game to her opponent.

Well, I could see this was affecting Camila, who seemed to put her anger into her game, making some great shots but also became much more erratic.

It seems I’m back in a period of turmoil again, which only means that I’m in a period of change. I was thinking how this turmoil is probably caused by my Asperger’s as change challenges it. It wants routine and the fact that I have little routine to begin with, change causes turmoil. I know that if I have core routines running then change would be a bit easier and with less turmoil.

Like usual, I just ride through the turmoil. Not taking it serious but not enjoying either.

Yesterday I received a message from the job I applied for. It came a bit faster than expected. I’m not ready to make such a decision just yet, but I don’t want the opportunity to disappear just yet either as I feel it has some significance.

Mostly I don’t feel in a state of mind to make such a decision. I haven’t done the other things I wanted to, such as talk with the manager at my current job about how and why I need more consistency and see about other options there.

It came to me to simply make an appointment for an interview but put if off until next week.

Of course, in my mind I’m running a pro/con list. Right now I work in a flagship store, where it is much more stressful because it is under a microscope and everything has to be perfect, even though they don’t give the hours to make it perfect. They expect a lot for very little.

This other store is, well, one of the lowest stores. It’s not very clean and doesn’t have high sales. The interesting thing about it is that there is a great variety of people working there. There is a man with full on Autism who works there. There is a great diversity of people there. Maybe this would be helpful for my own mind.

Where I work now it is all elitist type people. Those who work there are young and from upper class families. They wear the best clothes and have an attitude of arrogance. Not all of them but many of them.

I certainly don’t fit into this along with the great demands to make everything perfect and the customers are also affluent, which means they are also very demanding, expecting everything.

I had to look at this from another side. Am I simply lacking in self esteem and thus seeking to go downward rather than upward? Well, this is a simple answer as this question in general comes from the societal perspective of upward and downward progression. Looking down on others for being “less” than them, possibly because they are immigrants or because they might have some sort of mental or physical disability.

Basically, because they are different. I have noticed that those of affluence are less likely to be accepting to people who are different from them. Judging them as being lesser than their great status.

So, in a way, I might actually thrive in an environment with such diversity that is accepted than in a place where they say they are accepting of diversity yet only the diversity that is acceptable to them. Such as accepting gay and transgender people, as long as they are in the class status that is acceptable.

So it makes me wonder if by going “down” I would actually thrive and go up within myself.

It’s just such a big decision. My current immediate manager relies on me. Yet I can also see how my Asperger’s makes things difficult for me there. When he is off work I often don’t know what to do if the situation is different than expected.

Such as yesterday, where on Friday he gave me a list of what he wanted me to do on Monday. I came in and the image of the day was completely different from expected. I didn’t know how to prioritize the day. I asked another manager and he listed his priorities. I left much undone but was able to finish what was necessary to the day, which included the things that my immediate manager had asked of me.

At times, I feel somewhat helpless because of this. I can’t interpret the situations. This is why I’ve always said I’m not a leader. I actually saw a video on Asperger’s talking about how high functioning autistic people aren’t leaders, but they contribute in many other ways, only of it’s understood what they need. Which is mainly communication so as to be able to interpret the situations correctly and thus be able to fulfill what is needed.

I saw an interesting video by The Hill where they talked about the idea that Covid came from a lab in Wuhan. It seems that an investigative reporter uncovered that this lab had been doing a controversial process of creating strong viruses so as to learn from them and be able to create ways to fight them. This process was done in the US for a while but was banned by the government because it is so risky.

This reporter found the Dr. Fauci, the leading infectious disease doctor in the nation, actually supports doing these things. They found that he and a colleague were actually investing in the Wuhan lab to continue this work, because it was banned in the US. They found documentation of Dr. Fauci fighting to get the ban lifted in the US.

Basically, if this is true, the primary doctor who is advising the government and the people about this virus may have actually participated in it’s creation and everything that has been happening since has been to cover up this action.

Well, all of this fits in to all the other deceptive things happening in the world by those in power. Corporations and government agencies putting out propaganda of doing things, such as going green, while the other hand is doing the complete opposite. How these powerful people are actually the owners of the mainstream media and they use the media to cover up these things.

I mean, if all of this is true, one can see the true corruption of the country being exposed in this time of awareness and awakening. A corruption that goes back to the the beginning of the US.

When I often ask if this is the country that the fore fathers of the US wanted. Well, it is exactly what some of them wanted yet not all of them. It’s interesting that this very debate was happening back then between people like Madison and Jefferson. It’s the reason they exiled Thomas Paine to France for a long period of time while they set up the country.

One can see that Jefferson did side with Thomas Paine in many issues simply because, once he became president he allowed Paine to return. Only then it was too late. Even for Jefferson who now had to be president under the terms of the government as it had be laid out, not the more ideal government in his mind that he had dreamed of in the early stages of the Revolution.

Well, it’s all so interesting. As for me, I have my little world to govern of which I don’t necessarily govern but simply live within and allow it to form around me, making the decisions I need when the moment arises and my heart speaks to give me guidance. Until then, she remains silent and I have to endure my little turmoils always knowing that the turmoil is always worth it as long as I don’t react to it but simply pass through it.