It’s a cool but sunny morning. It rained yesterday but now the clouds have departed leaving clear skies and sunshine, though the temperature definitely dropped. I’m enjoying it.
Last night I went about relaxing after a trying week. The last week where I have to work back to back shifts. Next week I go to a steady shift, though it seems I will lose my weekends. This is no matter because I believe the reason I needed the two days off in a row was because of the shifts I was working. I needed them to simply recharge and rest.
We will see if a more consistent schedule will help me to form more routine in my life. I was thinking of this while out grocery shopping. I really want to again eliminate meat for the most part from my diet but when I’m working such odd shifts it’s so much easier to just cook up some meat. I won’t waste the meat I have so this is no problem and today I didn’t buy any meat. I had no desire for it.
Still, I’m hoping that greater routine will help with many other things I’m trying to bring into effect in my life. Mostly, I just want to be able to sleep normally so I don’t sleep at odd times, which makes me feel out of sorts all the time. Dazed.
Last night I became tired around 10pm and thought I should go to bed. But my routine now is to simply sleep in the recliner on Friday and even Saturday nights. For some reason I sleep so much better there than in the bed. Well, even though I was trying to force myself to go to bed, I found myself pushing the recliner back and soon I was asleep and dreamed deeply, which I don’t do so much when I sleep in a bed.
Yesterday I was looking at other sleep options. A smaller bed. I bought the bed I have now about 6 years ago. After sleeping for years on a very uncomfortable bed I wanted a comfortable bed. Well, it’s a rather large bed for being a full sized bed. The mattress is very large. I thought it wonderful at the time but now it’s more of an inconvenience.
I was looking at things like day beds and simple a twin sized bed. I think I bought a full sized bed at the time because I still had some sort of hope of possibly being with someone. I remember all the insecurity this hope gave to me, especially when I wasn’t aware of my Asperger’s.
I hoped for this to happen but I also dreaded it because there was so much “wrong” with me. I couldn’t imagine someone accepting all the things “wrong” with me. Or they would constantly try to change me, thinking they were helping me. Both of these things would be true in most cases.
It also caused me to look at myself with dread. I would see myself as ugly and not desirable. “Who would want to be with me?” I would think while looking in the mirror.
All I know is that not having this hope or desire anymore has been more a benefit than anything, though to others, being alone is something to dread and even pity in others. Strangely, this was mostly why I hoped to be with someone. To look more normal. Just another thing I was trying to mimic so as to look more normal.
I had experienced these things when I was in relationships. Where we would go out together to the park or something and other people would come up and talk with us openly. This was always strange for me because, before the relationship, no one would come up and talk with me. In fact, they always seemed to want to get away from me.
Last night another video just appeared in my recommended list that was unexpected. It was a short movie titled, “Boy.” It’s was a 16 minute movie about a young woman who has a masculine heart. How she was tormented by it. She would stand in front of the mirror looking at her body that seemed wrong to her in relation to how she felt inside. She tried to hide her breast, tightly wrapping them with bandage wrap.
She then took a lipstick and drew male genitals on the mirror and stood back so they would reflect back to her in the right place. Then her mother came in and, well, did the very same thing that my mother did to me when I was about 10 years old when she realized I was wearing her clothes when she wasn’t home. She freaked out and told her that there is something wrong with her and that she needs help.
Well, it was only a 16 minute movie but it went from this conflict to another and then to a resolution where the mother took the tie from her son and put it around the neck of her daughter to represent her acceptance of her differences, telling her that they will figure it out.
I believe it was a German film as this is what the language sounded like. It had subtitles. I just found it interesting how I could relate to this character, only in the other way. Not a day goes by without looking in the mirror wishing I had a female form. Covering up my genitals because they simply feel and look out of place.
Yet, within it all, I’ve come to understand and enjoy this amazing experience of being dual gendered. If those who read my posts regularly have noticed, I can observe life both as a man and as a woman. I can tell the dark secrets of being a man, describing the hunger the man feels for the female form, a sort of desire in that is akin to wanting to devour it, but ends up licking and tasting it, this hunger driving him to penetrate the woman’s body with this penis and thus performing the act of conception, a natural process but, when one is awakened, it is also a rather odd act.
For me, I always seen this act as an act of violence. The man seeking to dominate and get on top of the woman, controlling her as he seeks to feed his instinctual hunger for her, thrusting his body against hers so to create friction and thus, cause his penis to discharge semen into the female.
Yet, this is a natural process that all animals perform. Again showing how humans are no different from all other beings on this planet.
For me, I had no real desire to penetrate the woman, but to simply please her, which gave me great pleasure. But oddly in my mind but part of the natural, instinctual desire, the woman desires this act of violence to be done to her to fulfill her passive desire.
It’s interesting that I too, even though in a man’s body, can experience this passive desire that the female feels.
Of course, this could be confusing to a person, to feel both experiences in one. But it is wonderful and allows me a more dynamic experience in life. Sadly, but not so sadly, it means that it is “abnormal” and not desired by most women, as I have no desire to be with a man though, at the same time, I can experience the desire a woman feels for the masculine in this way.
When I look upon the female form I also experience this with duality. I feel the instinctual hunger or desire for her as well as a great adoration for her, along with an envy. My adoration is for her beauty that always places me in a state of awe. An awe that never goes away nor diminishes. I look upon her breasts both with desire to kiss and suckle them as well as a desire to have them as part of my body.
Again, this could be very confusing and it was very confusing for me before this journey. Now I simply get to enjoy all these dynamic feelings. Feelings that, if they were accepted, could be enjoyed in many ways by another.
It’s much like with my Asperger’s, which I’m still hesitant in telling anyone about. I know that I need to tell one of the manager’s at work because he has been good to me after I told him the truth of other things about me. I think it would help him to understand why I have been striving to get a routine schedule and other things. Because of my Asperger’s I do need a sense of understanding for me to perform truly and openly as I am.
It is the same with my feminine heart, which I believe is still more difficult for most to accept as their roles have been chosen for them and, because they believe this role to be their reality, they are unable to break free from these roles.
Even the fact that I wear clothes made for women while at home is not so much to be a woman but to play the role based on what women wear today.
I watched a doubles tennis match yesterday. I don’t usually watch doubles but one of my favorite singles players was playing and a newly found singles player was her partner. I couldn’t miss this.
Well, one of the players on the other said was female but she dressed and looked very much like a young man. Short hair combed in a masculine way. She wore men’s shorts and even the shirt looked more masculine. The only thing that really revealed her as being a woman was her breasts. I thought, “Oh how I wish I could go to her, or someone like her, and say, ‘Hey, let’s exchange forms.’”
I found her to be so beautiful in her expression, not trying to hide her breasts, revealing the duality of her nature. This is why I don’t feel any need to alter my body in any way, though I still feel the desire for the female form. I have a dual spirit and this is very beautiful and allows me to experience life in various different ways that are not only related to gender.
It’s funny that, when I sat down to write, I had no intention of writing any of what I just wrote. It still amazes me how this happens, and it happens more often than not, my heart allowing me to input a few of the things I intended, but only if they enhance what she is saying. She will use them to expand her thoughts. I’m still so amazed by her, even though I’ve come realizes that my heart isn’t necessarily “my” heart. She is the universe. The heart of all life.