Navigating Life

It was somewhat cool early this morning but it has turned out to be rather warm now and expected to get into the 80s F. today. There is beautiful sunshine and a slight breeze. The birds are singing, which I’ve notice they are doing even in the middle of the night right now as it is the mating season. There is some type of bird that is always singing when I leave in the morning for my early shift which is long before sunrise. The rest come alive around sunrise and go on throughout the day.

This morning there was a bright star or planet in the southeastern sky just above the mountain peaks. Maybe it was Venus but I’m not sure. It was very bright, brighter than Venus usually is. I didn’t see the moon, but that doesn’t mean it was around. Maybe it’s in it’s daytime cycle now or already passed before I came out in the morning.

I haven’t felt too well the last couple of days. A couple of days ago I woke up very congested and even aching a bit. I took my temperature and there wasn’t a fever or anything. I figured it might be allergies. I’m not allergic to everything as some people are in the Spring. It’s usually something particular that comes up here and there. I don’t want to spend a $1000 dollars to take the tests to find out what it might be.

It was still with me today but not as bad. It did cause me to buy some vitamin C and D3. When I was questioning whether to get the vaccine or not I saw a video put out supposedly by Canadian doctors who said that the virus isn’t as deadly as it is made out to be. Yes, many people contract it but, on average, few people die.

It doesn’t look that way in the mainstream media who, as I saw in another video, does focus more on the negative aspects of the virus, not defining the cases as those who contract it but are not affected at all and those who only experience minor affects from it. It’s all lumped in to one sum and this is very large.

You think of India and all the people there as well as they fact that they live in very close proximity to each other. Well, I’m sure the deaths will be large there in relation to the population. Still, my heart told me to get the vaccine so I did, at least the first dose so far. I’m still waiting to get the second dose.

Though there are talking about how the curve has gone down in the US and now it’s all about if the US will share the vaccine with others. You would think it would be a no brainer but, of course, here in the US everything is about things that really don’t matter, except to the society and it’s madness. Just give it to them.

People here are leaving the appointments unfilled. It’s interesting just how the US is so wasteful of things, even the vaccine. Millions of doses going unused while many in the world are suffering. Just like how they have to have all those things that they don’t need, things that will just end up in the landfill in a matter of time, yet they don’t care about the suffering throughout the world, and even in their own country, so they can attain those things.

Now that all the mandates of been lifted, people are trying to go back to life as normal. Masks are still required in many stores but the people simply wear them when they come in and later pull them down or take them off, only to put them back on before they check out, I don’t say anything as I really don’t care if they wear them or not. I have to wear one when I work so I do, but I too pull it down when I’m alone in back.

It was another day of getting off early, though they did ask me to stay later today. I refused as I said I would. It’s my last extreme back to back shift and I’m just going to coast through this week and get it over with.

Today I was talking a little with an older woman who has worked for the company for 23 years. She seems to take pride in this even though, in status or position she is less than me. I couldn’t help but think of how sad that is in a way. Having done nothing but this work for 23 years.

She talks about how it allowed her to have children. She was just remarried, I think, for the 3rd time. She reminded me of those in my own family, who just sort of lived these lives that, to me, are so plain, yet the look at me and see me as having no life. Unknown to them are the many journeys I’ve had in this life, both in the physical and in the spiritual, of which they could never have.

When this woman works in my department she won’t listen to things I ask of her because she knows it all. She has been doing this for 23 years. Again, this makes me so sad to hear. This is all the meaning or boost for her ego in life. I have found that the most difficult employees to deal with are those who have been there more than 10 years.

She talks about how she won’t do the work of others. If she sees empty boxes on the floor that another person left she won’t pick them up. She says it’s not worth it because the company doesn’t care about her so she doesn’t care about the company.

It’s this complacency that is the problem with the old timers, feeling that someone owes them. It’s something that I’ve never felt in life. Well, at my most desperate times I’ve hoped that someone might help me out in some way, but it never happened. It’s like what I recently wrote to my sister, explaining the situation that sort of caused a rift between. I could see that I was becoming an emotional burden on her and I never wanted to be a burden on anyone.

I’ve rarely taken anything from the government, even when I had it coming. If the government outright gives me something, like a tax refund or Covid stimulus, I won’t turn it down. But I rarely ask.

I don’t ask it from my job, even though I find work in this society to be vain and meaningless. I just find my own meaning within it, which often gives the company what they want from me.

It’s even like my apartment and how I’ve been here for so many years. I have been thinking about this and realized that this has become my home. I have no desire to leave here. It’s not so much because of the fear of change but that I’ve formed my life around this area. Everything I need is within walking or bike riding distance. I haven’t taken a bus in years and I have even been in a car, even as a passenger in many years. I have established my life in a way that corresponds to the way I’ve always wanted to live, simply.

I don’t need much. My apartment is small but it’s enough for me, though I sometimes wish I had a little more counter space, but I make do.

This is why I think, when my lease comes up, I’m simply going to go the manager herself and tell her my story, how long I’ve been here, even some of my struggles and why I’m where I am today. Then see if it’s possible to simply remodel this apartment. I would have to move everything out, possibly into temporary storage. I might have to go to a motel or something for a week. Maybe not. I know I’m not the first person who has continued to live in an apartment and have it remodeled.

This would resolve all my continued anxieties over this subject, which aren’t nearly as bad now as they were before. Of course, I will leave it up to my heart, who will only speak when the moment arises, but maybe this plan is simply to ease my mind about it all.

I was thinking about how interesting it is that the universe isn’t very selective in who she chooses to awaken. She chose me of all people. A man with Asperger’s who has little to no status in the world, doesn’t have good looks to ride on or anything.

It thought about how easy it is for me to navigate the spiritual world but the world of the society, not the physical world, is very difficult for me. But, as my heart has said over and over as well as people like Alan Watts, all I need to know is how to navigate the spiritual world, because the physical and even the societal world, is all the spiritual world. By being able to navigate the spiritual world I’m able to navigate through it all. Simply by letting go and letting life happen.

Maybe the reason I was awakened is because I’m more apt to put up my sails and pull up my rudder and let the wind take me wherever it wants to take me, at least in the spiritual world where the adventures are far greater than any within the physical world, of which I’ve had many experiences in the physical world also.

It wasn’t until I became deeply immersed in the spiritual world that my desire for physical experiences diminished. I can live a simple life as I have now and find it completely satisfying. I don’t need a larger home or more things. What I have is enough.

A great luxury to me is to have a subscription to Tennis Channel Plus so I can watch the tennis matches that I want. Ash Barty beat Petra Kvitova which I had mixed feelings about, being that I like them both but really wanted Petra to finally get beyond the quarterfinals in a tournament, but she didn’t and now Ash is playing in the semis and will probably win.

I just love not having the Williams sisters playing. It has left the field open to so many young and creative players, which is also a great joy for me and a good thing that has come from Covid.

This morning I watched an amazing match. It was actually from yesterday morning but I had to leave before the match ended. Yesterday morning was a joy because I had the time to watch Barty and Kvitova then start to watch the next match before having to leave. Both were amazing to watch and it was so nice to be able to finish the second match this morning. I came in right around where I left off.

Well, it seems that not much is going on today but it was nice to be able to take the time to write. Writing is part of my routine and I’ve learned that routine is important to my Asperger’s. Asperger’s isn’t something I can make go away but it can be managed. Just being aware of it has really helped me in so many ways. Just being able to let it run and for me to simply be who I am, rather than trying constantly to be something I’m not, has helped me a lot.

My schedule at work changes next week. Not to the agreed upon schedule, which doesn’t come into effect until the following week. I found it interesting that they had already changed my schedule for next week to one that is consistent. I can see that it didn’t come a minute too soon because this week has been a struggle for me. I can really feel that this current schedule was taking a lot out of me, mostly because I couldn’t find any routine in it.

I could see how this was affecting my personal life. Really, my routine had become chaos and I was just living within it. I also noticed, because Asperger’s affects my ability to read situations and people, that I’ve had a lot of trouble with this. Yet, being aware of the Asperger’s allows me to not fall into the trap of this.

I might perceive something but I don’t just believe it as I used to do, as I figured this was all I could do because I had no idea that I did perceive things in such a way. I can work through them and ask questions to make sure that I’m seeing each situation correctly.

I also think that when I’m into a routine again in life then my thinking in such things will become better. Looking back at my life, it was in the times when I did have these routines, which I can now see that I would naturally create because I felt more comfortable within them, my life went a bit smoother. It’s been probably over 10 years since I’ve been on a routine.

I believe this was the cause of much of my anxiety in life. There were times when I was so out of routine and my perceptions of situations so out of sync that I would just freeze up and feel like life was completely out of control. Of course, this was years before my journey began.

Step by step my heart awakens me to life in all ways, including the life within myself. Or mainly the life within myself, which reveals the world around me with more clarity. Navigating the spiritual world reveals all within the physical world, including that of the societal world.