Hide and Seek

It was very warm today. Just in time for another storm to come in tomorrow, at least that’s what the weather woman just said. She is usually right when it’s within 24 hours or so. It’s in the mid 80s right now. She said the average for this time of year is the mid 60s, which will be close to the low tonight.

So I came home and on went the air conditioner because I live on the top floor which gets rather warm. It’s not bad really right now but I know if I don’t cool it now it will be too warm to sleep tonight when I will turn it off and then open a window to enjoy the somewhat fresh air.

As I’ve said many times on this journey, what a difference a day makes. I’m really happy that I can go through things like I did yesterday and it doesn’t affect my life overall. Sure, as I’m going through it, because who I am now is still somewhat new to me, I sort of panic. Not to a panic attack but I feel fear. Yet I don’t fight it, even though I see myself wanting to fight it, even doing things that could be seen as fighting it. I simply don’t follow through with them. I still allow myself to react just not attach to the reaction.

I found that I need those sort of explosions of feelings. Really, if I simply allowed myself to be more open and not allowing it to build up so much then I wouldn’t need those explosion and I believe I wouldn’t have them. This is why I still think a mental health therapist would be good for me, if I could find the right one.

It’s still like looking through dating sites trying to find a therapist. You see their picture and their description and then try to find one that meets what I desire. This doesn’t seem to be working for me so far. I’ve never had much success with dating sites when I tried them many years ago so going about it this way seems not to work with a therapist.

When I also have to look for those who accept my insurance, well, this makes it somewhat difficult also. I also want one who is near to where I live. So I will keep looking but I decided to open up what I’m looking for. In a way, just go on feeling rather than description. Let it happen naturally.

Well, I woke up very early this morning. Much to early for a late shift. It was because I was still reeling from everything that happened yesterday, plus I didn’t eat much so that caused me to wake up.

I decided to just get up and allow my mind to run on as it was doing. After about an hour I noticed I was beginning to see things much clearer. I sort of laughed when I thought about how I had acted with my manager yesterday, who basically offered me a schedule that would work and would allow me to form a routine around. But I figured I was just frustrated and I needed to let that frustration out.

I wondered how it would affect him. Would he think I was crazy or something?

I pulled up to work and began locking my bike up when he came to the door. He said, “Good morning.” to me, which he doesn’t normally do. I think he too was wondering if I was frustrated or carrying over some frustration from the day before. I simply replied with the same to him then locked my bike up.

It was interesting how, when I went into the backroom near receiving, the receiving clerk, who is a very nice woman that I enjoy conversing with. Well, I don’t do much conversing as she loves to talk. So I just listen. She’s one of those where you have to just start walking away because she will go on and on. She’s good with the delivery drivers who come in all day because she will talk up a storm with them.

The week before, she had asked me if I’m working different shifts. Sometimes she sees me in the morning and other times later. I talked with her about my schedule and my frustration with it. She simply told me to keep putting pressure on them. So I did.

This morning she said, “Oh, we were just talking about you.” I replied, “I hope it was good.” She said, “It’s always good things about you. No, someone asked me why no one was working your department and I told her that you work back and forth, early and late.”

Well, my manager was just on the other side of the line where he could hear but not be seen. I knew he was there because I was counting carts on the other side of the line and calling out my tallies to him. I then said to her, “Well, it seems that might be changing in the next few weeks.”

She as happy to hear this and I told her that I just did what she told me to do and kept at it.

About an hour later my manager came to me and said that he just talked with his manager and they were able to give me the schedule that I initially requested, keeping my weekends off but not such a dramatic difference in hours, only a two hour difference rather than a five hour difference.

So it seems, like usual, my heart took care of everything for me and I still get to work the early shifts, where are my favorite and I don’t have to work the later shifts. Just two shifts a week that are two hours earlier than the other three.

Last night I found myself inspired to write another email to my sister. This time I made it a little more heartfelt, rather than just explaining how things are going. I received a response in just a few hours. Well, it was there when I woke up early this morning. It too was heartfelt. I then replied with another telling her that I want to reform our connection and even slowly weave myself back into the family as whole. But I said that I have to do one thing at a time, which right now it’s all about getting myself into routines.

Well, all of this surprised me. I didn’t get a response but I didn’t expect one. Her previous letter was much longer than she usually sends and she isn’t much for writing.

Her letter was full of what others in the family are doing, which was nice to hear. She doesn’t usually include those things. I could see that maybe my heart is opening up my journey even more, giving me something that I know I need, others in my life.

My family is very complex and opinionated. I thought about what it would be like to interact with them now that I have changed a lot since the last time I have been around them. I could see maybe some agitating interactions. Then I saw that I haven’t been around any people since my journey. All I mainly interact with is people at work and the customers there. I have no idea how I will be in a close setting with people in their homes eating dinner with them. At this point, I didn’t see all of the agitation but possibly me simply saying not much at all but simply enjoying being there with them

I thought about how I really don’t have much of an opinion on politics or the state of the country. I’m really indifferent to it. I simply live here. I know that, through my observations, the people are going crazy. Much like how a drug addict acts, as they consume and consume with no end in sight. They attack others for having different opinions. The fact is, I listen to many opinions from all side and I’ve noticed that I don’t necessarily disagree with any of them. I simply listen and try to understand what they are saying and put it together with other opinions, only to find that it’s just a mess of opinions and it’s not really information worth gathering. But it’s sort of enjoyable just to listen to them.

I myself am indifferent to what happens in this society. Overall, I know that it’s simply in self destruct mode, but I don’t need to tell other people this, such as my family. I thought about this, and knowing that there is nothing they can do to change it, just let them enjoy the party. Let the consume and enjoy what they consume. When they show me the things they enjoy, simply enjoy it with them, without any attachment to it. When I leave I also leave any interaction of this sort there, taking with me only the feeling of enjoying being with them.

At times I wonder if I really do need a therapist or if my heart will take care of all of needs as she always has. I know that many changes are coming and yesterday it was all a shock to have so much come into my awareness at once.

The interesting thing is that, when I looked it over, I could see that what is really happening is that I’m becoming more and more aware of my self. I remembered something that Alan Watts said, that I will put into my own words from my perception. He said that it’s understanding and becoming aware of the self is not being selfish or even narcissistic. Really, it’s the point of life.

It’s the ego that’s the problem. When we view ourselves as the ego, we are only separating ourselves from our true self. Our true self is not necessarily an individual, though we experience it individually. When we become more and more aware of the true self, we are simply doing what the universe wants us to do.

Life is really about playing a game of hide and seek. Yet it’s the universe who is playing this game and we, as individuals, are the players within the game. We are the universe but individually we are blind to all of this. In the dark you might say. This means the universe can’t see herself because each individual can’t see themselves at they truly are. They live an illusion because this is where they are hiding. Hiding from the universe.

Then, when we become aware of our true self, this is when the universe finds herself. It is a process. It is the path of “enlightenment.” Which is simply the universe finding herself within the individual who they realizes that they aren’t an individual but that they are the universe.

Then she hides herself again. The fascinating thing about this is that this happens over eons of time and it also happens each and every day of our individual lives. At times we are hidden and then we find something more. Each time this happens we do find a little more but each time we have to go back into the darkness and hide. We continue to contain what we previously found but we still again go into the darkness of hiding to find the next thing.

Over and over, much like cogs or sprockets in a machine, we near the smallest and it expands out throughout the universe and into infinity, each part moving the other parts up and up through the hierarchy, all important but each not more important than any other part.

This is what humanity needs to become aware of. They are important but not more important than any other aspect of the universe. Even the slug and the worm are equally as important as humans.

Well, it may come and it may not. It really doesn’t matter. If humanity isn’t here, there will always be other forms of life for the universe to hide within only to find herself again. An eternal game of hide and seek.