Nightmares and Other Things

It’s a nice, warm day. It seems it only going to get warmer by the weekend. It’s nice to see the sun shining brightly after some very dark and cloudy days.

It seems I have survived the initial days after getting the Covid vaccine. Not many side effects at all. Just some pain at the site of the shot which has gone away. Last night, while sleeping, I might have had some fever because I had some strange nightmares. It’s strange how my nightmares aren’t anything bizarre, but they are merely my own concerns coming to life. Worries that are still within me even though I continue to live in the moment for the most part.

My heart has proven herself over and over again with me. The thing is that she doesn’t actually act or say anything until the moment arrives, still leaving me here with those concerns on my mind, only they are in the back of my mind and thus they come out in my nightmares.

It as terrible that I had these nightmares on the night before my early shift after coming off my later shift, so I don’t get much sleep to begin with and then having to wake up several times didn’t help much.

The good news is that I no longer have any of those adrenaline shocks I used to have, which I believe came from having so much cortisol in my bloodstream from all the years of suffering terrible anxiety. The obscure amino acid that I’ve been taking has worked. Else it’s all just a placebo effect, which usually doesn’t happen with me as I’ve tried other things to try to help with those adrenaline shocks before.

It’s like how just a sharp noise would not only give me a start but it was cause those adrenaline spikes which could lead to a panic attack. It wasn’t until I learned from my heart to not put thoughts to those spikes that I was able to calm them down quickly.

Well, now I don’t experience them at all and haven’t since the first week of taking this amino acid, of which I bought more, only this time in pure powder form. Capsules always have fillers in them. Now I have pure powder and I can control the dosage.

After my immediate manager at work talked with me about changing my hours, I’ve continued to inquire about it. It’s like it always is, they make a promise but they don’t know if they can fulfill it. He continually said that they are looking for someone to take the early shifts but they don’t know when they will find someone.

So yesterday, after feeling very tired for over two weeks, as these back to back shifts each week are really wearing me out, I told him how tired I’ve been feeling and that we really need to do something soon.

Today I had a meeting with him and it was strange. He talked about what is fair for other people. They can’t just move people around because it isn’t fair. So I pointed out that I’m the only one there who is working constant back to back shifts each and every week. “Is that fair?”

He said that fair has to be balance with the company’s needs. I told him I feel Iike I’m being punished in some way. That my only option is to work these hours or not work there at all. He pushed that aside by saying I’m not being punished.

It was so strange the difference now from what the initial meeting was, where he was the one who brought it up. Just like it always is, they make promises they can’t keep.

So they made an offer of working a consistent schedule only with split days off. I’m willing to do that. So it seems that will be the way it goes. I don’t mind split days off if I’m on a consistent schedule. The reason I need two days off in a row now is simply to recover and sleep, which I’m tired of doing. I want to be able to do some things.

It’s interesting all the things that have been arising lately. It sort of started when I was thinking about the company Amazon and how they supposedly push their delivery drivers so hard that they have to go urinate in bottles while on the go, getting no breaks.

This came to mind when I was expecting a package that seemed like it was going to be late. At first I was thinking that again they were later than when they promised and was a little upset about it. Then I thought of what those drivers go through.

I started to think that it might not be a good thing to order through Amazon anymore. I can get many of the things I order directly, though I might have to pay shipping. They would ship it through the normal channels, either by post, UPS or FedEx, all drivers who have protections. I also thought of those people in those Amazon warehouses who are worked very hard to get those packages out as quickly as possible.

It was funny that I heard that one of the complaints of workers is having to work back to back shifts, only being able to get 5 or 6 hours to sleep before having to come back again. Exactly what I am currently going through.

Then yesterday I watched something on YouTube that I shouldn’t have watched, but it was in my recommended videos. I’ve noticed that because I look at things from all side that my recommended vdeos show videos from all sides. If I simply looked at things from a conservative point of view I’m sure the algorithm would just put conservative points of view for my recommended videos. I get it from all sides.

One thing I really noticed was when I was researching the vaccine from all sides. I realized that I couldn’t come to a true conclusion even after looking at it from all side. I also noticed that there are so many opinions out there that it’s actually more detrimental to try to gather things from all sides simply because it’s not informative but confusing.

Of course, this is when my heart came in at the very moment when I had to make a decision and that was that. That’s just how my heart works. She allows me to research all I want or think about it, but then the moment comes she then makes the decision, no matter what I’ve seen or read. So really there’s no need for all the research. But such as I am I do it anyway. I will get it sooner or later and stop doing it.

It is somewhat the same with this video I viewed. It wasn’t new to me. In fact, it was simply seeing what I’ve always known. It was a video about how recycling is a waste of time.

They showed where all the supposed recycling material ends up. They end up basically in warehouses in landfills with no where to go. No one wants to buy the material from them.

The very people who work in these landfills and recycling centers talked about how it is really all just a manufacturing scam. They tell people they can just recycle the bottles and other things. This simply makes it to where the people just keep buying more, then putting them in the recycling bin. The moment they are in the bin, it is no longer their problem.

These people talked about how the only way to stop it is to end this rampant consumption.

The irony is that consumption is only going up exponentially.

It made me think about how each day at my job I throw away so much stuff. Just the packing materials alone could be a thousand pounds a week, just for what I do in my department. Not to say all the other things.

They talked about how China used to take all the recycling materials from the US and could get people to sort it for low pay. This ended when the US started sending not only the recyclable material but all of their trash. China also came to a point where they could get all they need from their own population.

This is another issue. They used a Pringle’s can as an example. The can is made of cardboard with paper on it and inside lined with aluminum.

They said that separately, each of these things can be recycled. But together, the paper recycling companies don’t want to have to peel off the aluminum and the aluminum companies don’t want to peel off the paper.

Yet, on the can, it says that it is recyclable. Therefore people simply see this and put it into a recycling container while going out to buy some more, never thinking about where it goes after they put it into the container.

They showed one pile that they said was over 100 tons of material that had no place to go. They said that this is how much one person in the US will use in their lifetime.

Well, at work the next day, this is all I could see in everything I touched. Each box I opened, with bubble wrap or paper that is protecting the product. We wouldn’t want that plastic outside of the product to get scratched or dinged, as the customers won’t buy it then, even if the actual product is in good condition. I am constantly having to send back products simply because they outside box is dented and no one will buy it.

Then I take all of this packing material and put it into a bag that I will then put into the trash compactor that will be picked up and taken to the landfill. Bag after bag all day long. And I’m only one person there. There are some departments where things are more fragile and are packed in stryrofoam, where it often takes 5 or more bags filled for just one cart of freight. Those departments often get much more freight than I do. The individual forks and knives are all in boxes and each one wrapped in plastic which is taken off before putting them into the bin for sale. And this is just some of the small stuff.

The large fragile things are packed in more styrofoam than product. You get this large box and, after taking out all the packing material that is thrown in the garbage, there are maybe two clay pots or a lamp.

Then to think that each and everything thing that is bought by a consumer will one day, maybe even within a day, end up in a landfill. As they said in the video, plastic products aren’t meant to be everlasting. The were originally created to be disposable, so that the consumers will always need more.

As I thought about all of this and why people continue to consume at such a huge rate that is growing more and more each day, I have to remember that humanity is programmed to self destruct. All of this won’t destroy the Earth. It will destroy humanity.

I still can’t put my mind around this. I know it’s true. It’s the way the universe wants it but it all seems so simple to me. Just stop doing it. But they can’t. They never will be able to do so. They are programmed to self destruct. Sadly, it’s countries like the US that are the main bombs of this self destruction. All the rest of the world are merely victims of it. Of this mass consumerism that has no point or reason for being, other than the fact that humans are blind to their true nature. They are unaware of their own conscious awareness. They are blind and they are meant to be blind so that they will destroy themselves.

Then my heart said to me, “Just think of all the new and wonderful life that will evolve from the destruction.”