A Sudden Realization

I wonder if this is a time to be writing. Maybe it’s a perfect time to be writing.

Today it seems that everything is becoming very real. It seems like an extension of the nightmares I had last night that I wrote about in my previous post. In some ways, those nightmares are becoming real. Those nightmares were about the things on my mind that I most fear right now.

In some ways it seems that things are all coming to a head in my life. Coming to realize that change is coming and I don’t feel ready to deal with it. Those nightmares were really expressing just how helpless I feel right now.

It’s like I’m waking up from the last 15 years. It’s like I’ve been asleep the entire time. Struggling to live in this world with high functioning autism and not knowing that I had it. Trying so hard to function and to be normal. To be accepted by others. Yet, no matter what I did it never happened.

Today in my meeting with my immediate supervisor, it was like so many other interactions I’ve had in my life. As long as I’m fulfilling the needs of others they are happy and love me. When I need something, they seem to turn on me. All I want is consistent hours. I don’t feel like I’m asking for much.

He said it’s about being fair for others, but it seemed that it didn’t need to be fair for me. No matter how I tried to explain this to him, he continued to make excuses for the other people. “He’s going to school. I can’t ask him to change his hours because he’s going to school.”

The nightmares I had last night were about my apartment. I’ve been here for 15 years. As I can see today, I’ve pretty much been hiding out for those 15 years, each year hoping nothing would change. There has been little maintenance on the apartment. I’m still walking on the same carpet that I had when I moved in, which is now old.

Each year when it came time to sign my lease, I said little. I just wanted to have another year. Each year I hoped that something would happen and I would be able to break free. Each year nothing happened. So I would do the same thing the next year and sign a new lease.

My nightmare last night was simply about my refrigerator going out. The sound was so real. I could hear it screaming as the motor went out. I woke up to hear it and it wasn’t screaming. During the dream the maintenance people came to put in another refrigerator. Strangely, the woman in the HR department at my job was also there. She was pointing out all the things I’ve neglected in the apartment. Things I fear they will notice.

These things aren’t anything bad, such as the old carpet. Still, I’ve been here a long time and I do feel trapped here. I’m still trying to improve my credit. I’m now up against another issue. The fact that the housing market has gone crazy, with housing prices skyrocketing as more and more people are coming here from places like California.

I don’t usually go out much around 7pm. Last week I had to pick up a package at the locker hub. When I looked around, there wasn’t an empty car stall. This place is filled with people, which I’ve never seen before. Just last year about this time there were many empty apartments. I know it is like this throughout the city.

I know that I’ve been hoping that I could eek out just one more year. Or, as it has been over and over again year after year, hoping for the same thing. But I don’t think it’s going to happen this time.

I’ve been trying to improve my credit by paying down some debts. It isn’t going as well as I would have hoped. I figured simply paying down the credit cards, and paying off a couple, would improve it a lot. It didn’t really. It did improve it. I’m still waiting for another one to report.

This morning I happened upon a video about student loan debt. This woman talked about how it has affected her. It raises the debt on the credit report so much that it makes it difficult to raise the score, even if I’m current. It’s because of the size of the debt.

Then there is the strange thing about the reporting agencies. One of them has me in the good bracket while the other two have me about 40 points lower in the fair to near bad bracket. They all have the same information.

Well, to top it all off, something just happened that was literally the straw that broke the camels back. Really, something so small and light that just broke it all down and brought me to such a real awareness of my situation that, well, I nearly freaked out. I’m so glad I don’t have those adrenalin spikes anymore else I would have lost it.

I went to take a shower and, as I pulled on the little lever to turn it from bath to shower, it wouldn’t budge. It has been a little sticky lately but nothing like this.

I pulled and pulled until the cap came off complete. I then got down and looked to see that lime or something like that had built up around the nozzle and had probably built up inside causing it to stick. Nothing I did would budge it.

At that moment I could see the last 15 years clearly. In my mind, for the first time, I thought, “I’ve been here hiding out for the last 15 years. Hiding in fear of everything.”

Well, my first thought after this was why my heart is doing this to me. Everything is just falling down around me. Little things like the therapist of whom I inquired hasn’t responded.

I wrote to my sister about 2 weeks ago, telling her of my new found awareness of being high functioning autistic and I’ve not heard from her. I’m not expecting her to acknowledge it. She simply hasn’t sent anything. I wrote again to update her and still nothing.

Then there is what happened at work in the meeting with my manager where I left feeling that I had little to no options there and that he was telling me to take it or leave it. Even when I told him that I had thought of going to another department he told me that I couldn’t do that unless it was signed off by the other managers. In a way, making me feel trapped.

So, as I resolved to simply taking a bath, which wasn’t all that bad, I got out and it was all hitting me so hard. The fact that change is coming and I’m terrified of it. I don’t know what to do. I have learned that I can’t make my own decisions. I learned this with the Covid vaccine. If left to my own devices I wouldn’t have done it and would have simply kept putting it off indefinitely because I wouldn’t have been able to make a decision on my own. My heart makes my decisions.

This is something that I think my heart is showing me. That I am completely dependent on her. I mean, completely. With my Asperger’s and the fact that it has caused me to become completely alone in the world, a world that I have no idea of how to function within it. I can only rely on my heart and the universe. Have they ever let me down? No. They have proven themselves to me over and over again.

Yet, I can see so many things that the man with high functioning autism in the videos I have watched talked about in his own life happening with me. It’s like it’s more than just something on the inside but it’s like it creates some sort of aura or is in my countenance. Other people seem to see or sense it and they don’t want to help me when I need it.

I remember back about 5 years ago, when I was literally suicidal, I called the suicide hotline. In a way, the man seemed to be laughing at me, or not taking me serious. I told him how I felt and that I really wanted to help. I asked for resources and he said that there weren’t any resources. He said that if I was homeless he had some resources for me.

I was in awe when I got off that phone call. I felt so helpless. That I couldn’t ask any human for help in this world. It’s been like that over and over in my life. With my family it is like that. As long as I’m of some value to them then it’s okay. As soon as I need them they disappear.

Yet all I would see on TV and other places were people who said they wanted to help. When I would reach out they didn’t want to help me.

It’s all so strange. So, in a way, this is why I went into hiding for the last 15 years. Hoping that I could go on and nothing would change. Just trying to hold out as long as I could. Not knowing of my true condition as to who I am inside and now it is all being revealed to me, at times, in seemingly brutal ways. It’s one of those moments when I can only ask, “Why is my heart being so mean to me?”

But she does this at times. It’s not to be mean. It’s to show me where I really am and who it is that is the only one I can rely on.

I found it interesting that, after the shower incident, I came out somewhat confused as I realized just how helpless I am. As it all became so clear I was very terrified, but not in a panic sort of way. Not even in an anxious way. It was literally just fear of the reality I was experiencing. The first thing I did was seek out a therapist. I felt that I had to find someone to help me. To help me figure all of this out.

I looked at the list, bypassing the one I’m waiting to hear from, and there were none. None who accept my insurance. None that stuck out to me in anyway. It was like looking into emptiness. My solution wasn’t there.

The catalyst the caused my journey to begin was the night when I stood outside looking up the stars in the sky and said, “I am completely alone in the universe.”

Today it seems that I can now see just how alone I am. The reality of it. Alone in a strange society that makes no sense to me. A society that doesn’t care if I live or die. A society that will never accept me for who I am. A society that I can’t turn to when I’m in need but they are happy to take from me while I’m able to give to them.

Yet, within it all, there is my heart and the universe, things so much greater than all of this petty stuff. My heart who has proven herself over and over and over to me throughout my life, and especially throughout the journey.

In a way, it is like I’m at a point where I have to truly make a choice. Hold on to the nothingness that is what I’ve built in this life, or let go and let my heart do it all, as she desires to do. It’s like she has done this process layer by layer, allowing me to let go a little at a time. Now is the real test. Just let her have it and let her love me as she always has, taking me deeper into the true reality of who we all are.

I don’t know. I’m too stupid to know. This is why my only option is to let go and let her run the show. I know I can’t run the show. I can barely tie my own shoes in this life.