Through Strange Eyes

It’s a cool but clear morning. The sun has yet to rise but the light is coming up behind the mountain peaks, causing a beautiful silhouette of the mountains to form.

I’ve been awake for several hours already, having fallen asleep in my recliner early last night. I was very tired after yesterday. I only have one day off this weekend so I took advantage of being up early and went to the grocery store just after they opened, before all the rest of the people come in to shop. Other than the workers, I pretty much had the place to myself, which was nice.

I had to get everything I need for the week in one trip so it was a slightly heavy load to walk home with, but not bad. I don’t like running out of things midweek so it’s important that I remember everything. I make a list on their app so I can remember everything. It was a successful shopping trip this time.

Lately I’ve been enjoying a fruit smoothie each day. Last week I bought a large bag of frozen mixed berries which will last me a while. I only have to replenish the fresh strawberries, bananas, almond milk and apples. This gives me a daily dose of fruits in one delicious serving.

The almond milk is sweetened with bananas, which has become my favorite, so I get a pretty good dose of potassium in the smoothie with the added fresh banana. They almond milk costs a little more as it’s not a store brand, but I will drink it all, unlike times with regular almond milk where I’m not always attracted to it.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow and all the tennis tournaments that will be starting around the world. This week there was only one women’s tournament and it was a low level 250 tournament. It was nice to see the up and comers playing but I miss seeing my favorites.

It is nice to see so many newcomers doing so well. It is a change. I’ve also noticed the same on the men’s side. Djokovic going down to an up and comer from the UK who is weak on clay. I think it was just a bad day for Djokovic but it was a joy for the victor to beat a top player.

Covid has affected the game very much, just as it has with other sports. In tennis though it has opened the door for many players who don’t usually get through the lower rounds, which I enjoy.

It’s so nice to be able to watch without commercials and some matches even without a commentator, such as in Monte Carlo with the men’s matches, which have been more interesting to me this week than the lower level women’s tournament. Just the sounds of the game and without the crowds yelling, though that part I have mixed feelings with, but I will enjoy it for what it is now.

It’s much better than other sports where they pipe in the sounds of the crowd, then they pan out to see no on in the stadium. It’s just too fake and meaningless for me. I really don’t have much interest for other sports anyway.

I’ve been seeing the beginning of the possible outcome of all I’ve been going through lately as I’ve come to understand and accept being a high functioning autistic person. I had to go into some dark places. What I found interesting was that I didn’t fight it at all.

In the past, when I would feel the darkness, I would focus more on trying to resolve it quickly in some way. This time I simply let it run and, while there, I treated it as any inner environment that I experience. I simply looked around and learned from it. I found that there is much to be learned from the darkness and it should be avoided. Often times it’s when I fight against it, trying to change it, I simply make it worse and even cause it to extend the duration.

All feelings have a message, I simply have to stop and live in the moment with them so I can hear the message.

In this case, I come out the other side knowing that my perspective of life is different from others. Just because I’m now aware of being autistic this shouldn’t cause me to not trust this perspective. But I did need to question it simply for myself. So I can honestly trust it and be able to express myself through it. Maybe it’s all just part of the autism trait for honesty. I had to honestly look at it so as to be able to honestly express it as my truth.

I can see that it’s my ability to see errors and trends that allows me to see how humanity is leading itself to destruction. It’s all right there in the open, but most people simply can’t see it. It’s much like what Snowden says about the power and control that the wealthy are striving for right now, it’s all happening right in front of the eyes of everyone. What are called conspiriacies aren’t really conspiracies because they aren’t hiding what their are doing. It’s in all the news broadcasts and in the ticker tape at the bottom of the news broadcasts.

He says that this is how they go about getting people to accept their further control over their lives. Make it plain and open to them so that they simply become accustomed to it and, over time, they don’t see it at all because it’s so normal to them.

Overall, this is how it is for most people. They declare what is normal by what they are used to doing, taught to do or that others are doing. Even though it is destructive behavior, they don’t see it that way. They simply do it because it’s “normal” to them. Their perspectives have been formed for them.

This is the gift of autism. My perspective is naturally different and can’t conform to their “normal.” Therefore it offers me the opportunity of being an outside observer.

It’s like how it’s said that the only things we need to do is breathe, drink water, eat food, and defecate. Anything else is optional. A choice. But this isn’t how most people view it. They say they have to pay taxes, but they don’t have to pay them, they choose to pay them because they desire to avoid the consequences of not paying taxes.

This is how power works. They create laws to alter the choices of the people in their favor.

Like something Snowden said. He said that if the people stand up and say they have certain rights, the lawmakers simply create laws to the contrary of those certain rights. They do this right in front of the faces of the people and the people often feel helpless in stopping such things from happening. They might protest and shout about it. But this doesn’t stop the laws from being enacted. So they allow them to create new laws to alter their behavior and choices. Over time the people incorporate it into their “normal” lives.

I was thinking about how each US taxpayer is a murderer. Much of the point of the military industrial complex is to simply steal the taxpayers money.

They create meaningless wars so companies can provide the things needed for the wars which is paid for by the taxpayers. This money is then put into the pockets of retired generals who go to work for the military industrial complex as well as those who are at the top of those companies, as well as the boards of these companies and the stock holders.

All the while, millions of innocent civilians are being killed as they use the things these companies provide. They must use these things so that more is needed, thus more taxpayer money is stolen for their use and put into the pockets of the wealthy.

Hundreds of thousands of civilians died in Iraq and the same in Afghanistan, which continues as a seemingly endless war. A war that continual increases the wealth of those who make up the military industrial complex through acquiring taxpayer money and the desire to control the great mineral wealth that is beneath Afghanistan to further increase the wealth of the most wealthy.

This caused me to think about the point to all this desire for power and control. It seems almost instinctual because, in general, there is no logical point to it.

It’s almost like these people are living in great fear. If they have 35 billion in wealth, they still don’t feel safe so they desire another 35 billion. This seems to go on infinitely. Along with this, so as to feel safe, they need to feel control over everything and everyone. If they have control over everything and everyone, they might feel that they can predict everything. In a sense, it gives them the illusion that they can control the future.

To control the future they must control the present. To control the present they must control the past. Through this everything becomes a fictional narrative. An illusion that they control. A story that they make up and give to the people as being their reality. A reality that is fictional. An illusion.

This can been seen on all levels of business. It can be seen in the store where I work. The upper management is expected to make the store have infinite growth. Today’s profits have to be greater than yesterday. They can’t equal last month or even last year. They must be greater. Each and every year it has to be greater. If it’s not, they could lose their jobs.

They have based their lives on the amount of money that they earn. They have built families, bought homes, cars and other luxuries, all of which they must support. They enjoy luxury vacations and other things throughout the year. They need the amount of money that they are earning to be consistent and even grow.

It is a life of great stress and even fear. These are their motivators. This, in turn, causes them to seek power over the employees so that these expectations can be met. Having to do this while paying the employees barely enough for them to get by. They try to press upon them the same fear that they themselves feel. The fear of losing their jobs. If they lose their jobs, which provides the money that they have based their lives upon, they will lose these things. In most cases, as this level, unless they are able to find another job of equal pay, they might lose everything and become homeless.

This is a micro look at the whole of what ever single person under the current power structure are living. Living lives based on fear. So they express this anxiety in many ways. Some drink. Others do drugs. Others shop so as to make themselves feel better and more comfortable. They infinitely seek relief as they serve the power that expects infinite growth.

Doing all of this while paying taxes of which much of it is used to kill other people so as to increase the wealth of those who create and provide for these wars. It’s not just the tax money but also their seemingly infinite consumption, which requires the resources for which these wars are fought that kill and displace millions of people in lands on the other side of the world, out of their sight and even rarely spoken of in the media.

Well, that’s the perspective of an autistic person as he looks out into the world and observes these things through his eyes. The eyes of someone who is different and strange to the “normal” people. Who has to live outside of their illusion, at times feeling lonely because of it. But knowing that even if he tries, he knows he won’t fit in. So he goes on simply observing and writing about what he sees through his strange eyes.