It was nice to see the sunrise this morning. It has been a little while since the sky has been free of clouds. It was sunny all day. At least I assume it was sunny all day because it was sunny when I went to work and it was sunny when I left work. Which did cause it to become a bit warmer than it has been over the past week.
This morning I had an interesting experience. Before work I watched a video on YouTube of a psychologist giving a talk about Autism spectrum. He talked about the different things that people experience. He said that some are brilliant at math while others are terrible at math. I’m of the latter. I couldn’t pass college algebra for the life of me. I tried 4 times even with tutoring.
It was so interesting how I could relate to most everything that he pointed out. He pointed out the common things that men experience and I could relate to many of them. He then pointed out the things that women experience and strangely I could relate to many of them.
He talked about how women are harder to diagnose because they are “smarter” than men, as he said. They learn to imitate others. They see a popular girl wearing pink, so they wear pink. They mimic others.
Well, in many ways this is what I did. I would see what others were doing and try to copy them.
He also talked about how women will apologize and appease others. This was something I did all the time. I would just go along with what others said to do, mainly my mother, even if it made me miserable. And I would always apologize for things, often taking the blame upon myself.
He then showed some photos. One was a young girl with her hand in the cookie jar with a young boy putting his hand on her back. This is what I saw. He said that this is what most people with autism see. But when a neurotypical person sees the photo they see what is really happening. The girl is stealing a cookie and the boy is the lookout.
When I thought about this I could see that autism has a sort of optimistic honesty. As I’ve said before, a naive honesty. It’s why I can see the beauty in other people. At least, until they turn ugly and I see them for what they really are.
Today, it was very busy at work, as it is Saturday, the day of mass consumption in the US. It is the day when Americans go to their real church, malls and other stores where they worship the things that they desire and buy many of them.
I thought about the fact that this is what makes them so ugly. Capitalism. Consumerism. They become like ravenous insects. All courtesy and consideration for others goes out the window.
I thought of how they don’t care about the rest of the world and all they are going through, as long as they can consume. It came to mind that if the rest of the world truly wanting to hurt the US they should cut of their supply chain. If the US went to war with China, the biggest weapon they would have is to simply stop manufacturing for the US.
If they blew up the Suez Canal and made it impassable of many months, this would literally destroy the consumerism of Europe. If they mined the Pacific and blew up the cargo ships, it would serious hurt the US. This would do more damage than an outright war.
Of course the US wouldn’t allow this and this is where it would become an all out war.
But seeing that photo today confirmed to me that I see life very differently from most other people. This helped me a great deal, though it also caused me to feel a little lonely. I can’t advise others because I see everything so different from them. I can’t relate to them because I relate to things in a different way.
I found it interesting that the next video I saw was by the Australian man who has autism. It was titled, “Rejection: The Story of My Life.” It was sort of a sad video as he talked about how it is not only the inability to communicate that makes it difficult for people with autism to connect with others. It’s the fact that they are usually interested in different thing. He said that he doesn’t watch TV nor listen to popular music. He really doesn’t have anything that he can contribute to a conversation with “normal” people.
He had to find other ways to make friends. I found it interesting that one of his reasons for making friends is basically the only real reason I would want to have friends. The fact that in this day and age, we need other people.
Yet, just as he pointed out. People love him when he is able to fulfill their needs. But this is exhausting for him. Over time he loses all of his energy. When he then reaches out to them for something, they turn away.
Oh, this is the story of my life. I remember when my mother died and I was devastated. All of my family and friends disappeared from my life, leaving me along to have to deal with it. Now looking back from my current perspective, I should have never been left alone in life. I’ve always known it but no one would stay in my life so I simply accepted the fact that I would always be alone.
This psychologist also pointed out that autistic people have a tendency to see errors. They will also correct other people, such as grammar and other things. He said that if an autistic person corrects you that the person should accept the correction because autistic people are also very honest and they won’t correct if they don’t know it to be true. But most people don’t like being corrected all the time.
This reminded me of a time about 20 years ago, when I was working as a temporary data entry clerk for a company. I would constantly find errors. I would then take the errors to the management. Over about a month I had printed out thousands of pages of errors in invoices. They were all stacked up around in the office of the manager.
This is when the accounting auditor took me aside and said that I have the eye. It is something that someone can’t be taught but they are born with. He then hired me as his assistant. He sat me down in front of a computer in my own private cubicle and showed me an Excel spreadsheet. I had never worked with Excel before. It was about 500 lines long and about 15 rows across, all filled with numbers. He explained to me what the numbers meant and then left it to go at it.
In the end, over about two years, I probably saved the company about a million dollars.
This got me a job with a very large global corporation. My first day there they walked me to a double cubicle. In it was stacks of statements covering all the counters within it. Within 6 months I had gone through each and every statement and found all the errors.
The problem with that job was that, when I had found all that the vendors owed back to the company, I then had to sit down the vendors and convince them. They didn’t want to pay back 20 to 50 thousand dollars. This part I wasn’t good a doing. The managers couldn’t do it for me because they didn’t know what was in my spreadsheets. I literally scanned the invoices and connected them to the cells in the spreadsheet so that you could see the exact invoice in relation to my findings.
I would come home on the weekends and literally just lay on the couch all weekend with migraines that would kill a horse. It was so painful for me. The job paid well but I wasn’t really living. Each weekend I would start feeling better on Sunday afternoon, just in time to get ready for another week. I did this for about 4 years before being laid off in the recession.
I’ve never gone back to such work. Now I’m am something that many autistic people are, underachieving. Working menial jobs. I have so many talents but I learned that those talents aren’t enough in the work world. About 80% of working in the big world is about socializing. I couldn’t relate to others. I didn’t go out and play golf with them or talk sports. I had no friends there I couldn’t climb up the ladder of the company because I wasn’t able to network, which is much more important that talent or ability.
It’s fascinating now that all the while, I was completely blind to what was within me. I called it a demon. Now I see that it isn’t really a demon. It can be worked with. I might need some sort of medication. I saw a video on how marijuana is very beneficial for autistic people. If I am able to become officially diagnosed I might qualify for medical marijuana.
This supplement I take is what keeps me “sane” in the world. I have tried to reduce it but as I get down some I become much less tolerant of the world. This tells me that I will always need some sort of support, possibly because of all the mental damage and scars I’ve gained over the years of my life. Maybe therapy might help some but I still think there will be a need for more support.
Being that I’m older it doesn’t bother me. It’s more about simply being able to continue going on with some sense of well being and being able to do the things I enjoy. I don’t see me ever becoming a social butterfly but maybe a friend or two could come within it all. We will just have to see how it goes. I can look at all of these things but ultimately it comes down to what the universe gives to me. She has given me all that I have right now, which is quite a lot. Even spoils me. She has opened up many doors for me and continues to do so. I simply have to maintain and continue living in the moment, allowing her to do all the work. I simply have to be willing to walk into the doors she opens.
Today was also interesting. My immediate manager asked if I had been vaccinated. I told him why I hadn’t done it yet. Afterward I thought about it and at break I pulled up the form for the local pharmacy to schedule an appointment. The vaccine is much more available now as I could schedule an appointment for Tuesday.
I picked the times for both my first and second dose which led me to the application. I filled out the application and went all the way to “Submit.” Something overtook me at that moment telling me not to do it. I kept going toward that button and I started to literally feel nauseated. So I didn’t press it and close the page.
I don’t know why I can’t do it. Something is telling me something. I know inside of me that this virus in general is different from other viruses. Just as I’ve said in the past, it is a smart virus. It has an agenda, either set my humans if they created it or by the universe. My heart told me long ago that I have nothing to fear from it and to simply let it run it’s course.
I have to wonder if there will come a time when I will be force to have to get it. Where my employment will expect. Maybe even to go to a doctor or a therapist I must prove I have gotten it. It isn’t even a real vaccine. It only helps the person not get the virus as bad. They can still get it and be a carrier.
Well, as I’ve always said, I will decide in the moment and the moment again wasn’t today.