It has been a cloudy day. It was raining this morning. It seems the storm is now passing and will give way to more sun and warmth in the coming days.
It’s always interesting how the weather seems to play into how I feel and what I’m going through. When there is a long period of rain and clouds, I usually experience a much deeper experience within myself. Often looking deep and into the darkness of myself.
Then, when the sun and warmth returns I go back into a lighter mood. It doesn’t always seem that the weather is the culprit in causing how I feel but more, it seems that it in relation to it. Much like the weather and how I feel are one. Not one causing the other to happen. Like, the weather is dark and somewhat gloomy and thus I am also. We are joined in a way. Just as we are all one with nature and the universe. Are experiences are not separate.
This is one thing that I’ve noticed lately, that my deep spirituality seems to be on the back burner in a way. Yet it is still there and alive within me, I’m simply not focusing on it. I’m focusing more on my experience here and now, especially this experience of becoming aware of being a high functioning autistic.
Since the awareness, as I’ve said before, I no longer try to be normal. I am literally letting it run free within me. I don’t try to fight it. I don’t try to change how I feel, even when what I feel seems abnormal. I just feel it.
My quirks are so prevalent now. At times they are hard to endure. I can say, at times it is scary just letting it run free. It’s hard to see myself as I truly am at times. I can see all the places where I am stupid in a way and it’s hard to see these things. In a way, it is hurting my pride, my ego.
Yet, as I endure this pain, I can tell that it is breaking down my ego.
Today I had to ask myself if this is leading anywhere. I know that all my experiences lead to something greater. I can see things like how I’m examining what it is that I’m good at along with the things that are my weaknesses. I can see where I’m questioning what I’m doing now, as I’ve formed a life based on being normal and trying to do things that are really outside of who I am and my quirks.
I can see how, in the past, I have done all I could to make myself do these things. I can see how exhausting it was for me to do this. How I would have terrible headaches, mostly on my days off. I would feel great stress during the week and it would all come to a peak as I would come to my days off and then, as I would relax, it would actually be painful, sort of like coming in from the very cold outside, where the fingers and toes begin to thaw and ache painfully until the blood flow comes back to normal.
I no longer experience this in this way, but I still feel exhaustion. I know it is because the hours I’m working aren’t consistent. Even those who are more normal, when I tell them the hours I work each week, they say it’s crazy and they couldn’t do it. Back and forth, late shift then early shift.
It wouldn’t be bad if only for a couple of weeks but it’s been months now and I’m literally tired all the time. I didn’t notice it as much until my manager had the meeting with me and offered me the chance at more steady hours.
I don’t think that’s going to happen as this caused some sort of political disturbance between him and his manager. It has gotten very strange around there since I had that meeting with him. Almost like a power struggle and I’m in the middle.
This too is not good for me. I don’t deal with such drama very well. I can see that this is why I don’t necessarily enjoy getting involved with people on a personal basis. Because of all the drama. The family drama. It’s all so stressful to me. It’s overly stimulating. I have to have a place of quiet. I’ve always wondered how people could stand being parents, where they are basically on all the time. They can’t just power down, as I need to do on a regular basis just to simply exist within the society and go out into it and work within it.
I’m not going to make any rash decisions. I am thinking about other options. Mostly just to stabilize my work hours. I think this is a good start as I continue to observe myself and find what it is that I really need. I have a feeling that much of this will happen once I go to a therapist.
I think I’m getting closer to seeing a therapist. I have been researching her and I still find her to be the right person. I even thought that I should take the time to look at other therapists, even considering a man, but I still come back to her.
I think the one thing is that she specializes in high functioning autism, though she does do other things also. Her description is the only one that talks about her experience with autism. They others just sort of put it as something they work with, but don’t go into detail of their experience.
Then there are the basic things that make her right. She accepts my insurance and her office is only a couple of blocks from my home. If that isn’t a gift of the universe then I don’t know what is.
All in all, even though I’m not focused so much on my spirituality, I can still see it running as it always has within me. I don’t necessarily think that this aspect of my life needs my constant attention because it is much like breathing, it does it on it’s own. I think the only thing that is necessary is to be open to whatever it brings.
And bring she does. She still gives me so many gifts. I’m still so spoiled. I have helpers that appear out of nowhere and give me so many things that I need at the very time that I need and they don’t necessarily know that they are giving me these things, unless I tell them.
What would a person think if I told them they were a gift of the universe for me at this time? That simply their being, who they are, is a gift to me. Well, I don’t know. It might be too much for them. Or they might think I’m crazy in some way.
All in all, I will enjoy the gifts and if they think I’m crazy then so be it. They too are the universe. They are not individuals living solely for their own existence. We are all here together as one experience, whether some people like it or not. Whether they accept it or not.
Well, that’s about it for today. I have to work tomorrow and get only one day off before I have to dive into another week. But I’m off next weekend.
All I know is that I’m so happy that I subscribed to Tennis Channel Plus. Next week is going to be wonderful as they are many major tournaments starting around the world and I get to watch whichever match I choose. This too is a great gift for me at this time.