To Be Blind Yet Able To See

It’s a cloudy day with some rain here and there. It was raining early this morning when I went to work. Actually it was sleeting, which somewhat hurts the face while riding in it. It was like little ice crystals that felt rather sharp.

I saw the long range forecast for Summer and, based on the forecast, it’s going to be a very hot Summer here. I saw a clip of the local news showing the lakes and reservoirs being very low.

One lake is so low that an old boat wreck came into view. They also showed a drought predication for the Summer and this area is in a very dark red, almost dark purple as being very extreme. It’s been building with all the very hot Summers that we’ve had over the past 5 or so years.

This year we didn’t have one severe snowstorm. Only a couple of times did I have to ride to work with snow on the ground and it was usually melted by the time I came home.

It will be an interesting Summer with everything else that’s going on. It seems the problems for humans keep compounding on each other as each year progresses.

I’ve been able to look at myself in a very different way since my awareness of being autistic. I really can’t deny it anymore. I can see how I’m much more stable with a routine and how, when I’m out of a routine, it really bothers.

Yet, I can look back at my life and see how I, as I tried to be “normal” would constantly disrupt any routine. I often prided myself on being able to constantly change. At the same time, it was during these times that I endured the greatest anxiety.

I can see how stress really affects me, even small amounts of stress. I can see that I’m best when I can focus on things, rather than being constantly interrupted. Such as having to multitask at work. I can multitask if it’s part of a routine. When I’m interrupted too many times, I can see how my brain literally begins to grind, like grinding gears. I even get a little confused.

I saw yesterday, as I can see that there is a political battle going on at work between my immediate manager and his manager, in relation to making me a department manager. It still hasn’t happened. His manager is now looking for the littlest things to complain about. Yesterday, to stay ahead, I did a task which was out of what I was supposed to be doing. Normally no one says anything but he pointed it out to my manager who asked me about it. My manager really doesn’t care as he knows why I’m doing it.

I told him that to do all of there demands they need to be a little flexible. He agreed as his manager was also doing the same to him about other things. It’s all because my manager had gone above his manager to get me more hours and he is also making a stand that he wants me to be the department manager.

Well, I can tell that all of this affects me. Yesterday I was out of sorts in a way. I was having trouble maintaining focus. I could see that my mind was latching on to things and I was obsessing on them. It didn’t really come home with me, nor bother me at home, but at work it was there and I didn’t like the feeling.

Yet, it was good to observe and be able to see these things.

I can also see how being around all the customers all day sort of gets to me, at least as I’m trying to do all the work that I have to do and they are constantly in the way. I don’t mind helping them when they ask but they just wander around seemingly aimlessly and I’m trying to get the work done that I have to get done. My department has narrow aisles so I have to constantly stop and go in other directions to get to where I’m going.

I can see how all of this really exhausts me. It takes a lot out of me.

I can see how I would make a good researcher or something like that. Just point me in a direction and I would dig and dig until I found what it is that I’m looking for.

It’s interesting to be able to see the possible jobs I would be better suited at doing now. Now that I’m aware of this thing that has been constantly in my life yet I didn’t know.

I can look back and see just how I used to fight against it all the time, not knowing what it was. How, when I would feel out of the “normal” I would obsess and seek ways to get back to the “normal.”

I often feel different everyday and even every hour at times. Now I just let the feeling run. Like today, I had more energy where the last couple of days I didn’t have much energy. Some days I’m more clear minded where other days it’s more difficult for me to remain clear minded. Yet, in the past, I was always seeking to maintain a constant state of being, even though my state of being was constantly changing, mostly because my system was reacting and responding to situations that simply overload it with stimulus.

I’ve noticed that, if I become overly stimulated then it causes me to become more distracted. I can even look back in my life at more stressful times and see how I actually had fits, autistic type fits. I can remember times when I would have fits on the telephone when trying to find my way through a situation compounded with other situations I was having to deal with. The people thought I was crazy.

In a way, I believe this is why my last regular doctor told me that I was fine biologically but he had no idea about my mental health. There were times when I was trying to maintain consistency with my medications at the time but was unemployed and didn’t have insurance. I had to see him to get the medications and didn’t have the money. I wasn’t able to be flexible and find other ways.

It was times like these in my life where I wished I had someone who could have helped me. But how could they help me if they didn’t know what was going on in my head.

Now, simply being able to say that I’m high functioning autistic can give a person an idea, maybe an uninformed idea, as to what’s going on in my mind and that I needed help.

But now I’ve come to be able to maintain some stability simply because, well, because of the journey. Because of becoming awakened and through this being able to observe myself rather than simply being a victim of what I had no idea as to what was causing my distress and also being trapped in it, without any way of viewing it from the outside.

Well, all of this is good because if I do go to see a therapist who specializes in autism, I will have all of these things already in mind.

What still amazes me is how intelligent I am in so many things, things that most people don’t think about much, but I’m so stupid in the things that are commonplace for other people.

I’m really wondering if I should at least tell my immediate manager about it so he can work with me and my quirks. I can already see that he is aware of many of my quirks and he does work with them, such as one being that he tries to protect me from the upper management. He has told me on many occasions to just let him know and he will handle it, which he does.

It’s so fascinating to me how blind I was to all of this until I became aware of it, yet people around me seemed to see it without any problem. I never understood why people treated me differently. Some would attack me as if I were weak and others would try to protect me in ways, such as wanting to do things for me, which always frustrated me.

Anyway, I just had to get all of this out and written so that it will all become real within me, thus it will expand into something more, a greater understanding will come from it.