Coming Into View

It’s a beautiful Spring morning. Nice and cool outside with the sun shining brightly. The bird singing and the skies filled with air traffic of ducks, geese, pigeons and other birds flying about upon the beautiful blue background of the sky.

I slept long and deeply last night. Yesterday was a day where I went through many feelings and emotions. It was interesting because it was like a journey within itself.

Last week I had the pleasure of being able to enjoy women’s tennis all week long on the tennis channel. This doesn’t happen often. It was one of the reason why I wouldn’t have been upset if I had less work hours last week. Since more hours were added I still got to enjoy many matches. It has made me want to subscribe and pay for the Tennis Channel so I can watch the matches I want to watch so I could have women’s tennis all the time.

The nice thing is that the William’s sisters are no longer playing, at least right now. This opened the field for so many other wonderful players. This particular tournament ended up with two women in the final who have never won a championship before. This rarely happens when the William’s sisters are playing.

I know that Serena is the queen of tennis but she plays like a man. It’s all power tennis, forcing the others, who are more finesse players, to play a man’s power game. This is the main reason why I don’t enjoy men’s tennis. It’s more about who can hit the ball harder.

Women’s tennis is more artistic and creative, the point being to simply upset the rhythm of the other player, which is why Ashley Barty is number one right now, though she lost in this tournament. Her game is filled with variety, not power, which upsets the rhythm of the her opponents.

Well, it was all so enjoyable but all the good play is over by the weekend, as they come down to the semis and the final, which will be played today.

So that was nice this week and I’m still contemplating subscribing to be able to see what I want to see as it is very relaxing for me to watch women’s tennis. It might be a good investment.

Yesterday I tried to find another movie to watch. It’s often difficult as I enjoy particular movies. I decided to try to look outside of my usual to see if something would pop up that I would enjoy. I started watching “Nomadland” on Hulu. I know the movie becomes more optimistic later but the beginning is so deeply depressing that I couldn’t take it anymore, as it was making me feel very dark and depressed.

So I tried another movie, “The Nightingale,” and in the first 10 minutes there was a scene of a young woman being raped. I know this was to show the reasons why she did the things later in the movie but it was too much for me in the state I was in from the previous movie.

So I decided to go back to the old standby, “Malcolm in the Middle.” I put it on then paused it. I had bought some frozen berries and fresh strawberries and has some bananas that were getting overly ripe. So I pulled out the blender and poured in some almond milk then put in all the berries and a banana, blended it up and made a wonderful smoothie.

Then I went back, pressed play and within 20 minutes was rid of the dark feelings that had come upon me. I found this so interesting because I was simply moving from feelings to other feelings, nothing was taking hold. After on episode I put on an episode of “The Big Bang Theory” and was outright laughing at Sheldon and his antics.

Now I was in a light mood again.

After doing some things, last night I did a little search through movie apps and found a movie I might enjoy, the recent make of “Far From the Madding Crowd.” Yes, I enjoyed it very much and it was a wonderful end of the day.

As I looked back upon the day, I wondered if I was simply escaping reality through these period romances that I so enjoy, as well as the two TV shows that I enjoy. Being how I reacted to the more realistic movies, was I avoiding the true reality of life?

I’m very aware of the realities of the world. I went further to contemplate if my entire spiritual journey was simply an escape for reality. As I know, the reality that I’m talking about is a reality that I often call an illusion. Though it is “real” as it is expressed, it is based on an illusion of blindness in those people expressing it. There is a higher or deeper reality, of which I have spent my life seeking and of late have found.

I realized that all I had gone through last week was nothing more than coming to see myself as I really am, without any illusions. I had to face myself as if I were naked, completely vulnerable and open. In some ways, it was like being shattered into pieces. Because I wasn’t writing regularly, these pieces simply floated about within me unexamined. As each day passed without writing, more pieces were added until all I could see were pieces floating about, all unexamined.

As I’ve learned throughout the journey, it is all about examining each piece so that it can fall into place within the greater image. I seem to do this through writing. Yet, when I think of writing at times, I don’t feel that I can truly express these things. So I don’t write, waiting until I feel I could express them properly.

Yet, this isn’t the point. It really doesn’t matter if what I write makes total sense. It’s about what comes out in the writing. Let it be a chaotic writing and at times make little sense.

Along with all of this I’ve been going through this past week, so many other things have been happening. At work, my immediate supervisor bought me a snack and a drink then sat me down in an office to talk with me. There had been some confusion with my role at work. At the beginning of the year, they had made me a department manager. Then, when he had to take an extended leave of absence, his manager gave the role to another person. This sort of bothered me but I continued to get more hours that other people there so I didn’t mind all that much.

Yet, I take great care of my department. I still seek to make it the best I can. I take time to improve upon it, not so much for sales but just to take some pride in what I do, which does increase sales.

Well, he sat me down and told me that he has seen all that I do and that I am the department manager. He said he spoke to his manager and told him that it is one of his departments and that he wants me to be the department manager. Well, not that it matters all that much it did make me feel better about my role there. He knows that having my name on the department will only cause me to take even greater care of it, which happened the rest of the day after the meeting.

It doesn’t give me a raise or anything but it was just nice to have him take the time to let me know that he has my back. I had noticed that in the past weeks he doesn’t bother me much at all anymore. I’ve noticed that this has given him the time to focus on his other departments and not have to worry much about my department. So it benefits him, which makes me feel good in doing my work, as it is a service to him.

He even told me that I could literally make my own schedule, to a point. I have decided to keep my current schedule for now, as it suits me to be able to have weekends off and working a couple of early shifts each week allows me to get more done on those days, before the customers come in and cause havoc with their demands.

This morning I woke to a very beautiful gift. Last weekend I had written to a young woman whose expression I really enjoy. I could see she was struggling a little in life and I couldn’t help but let her know how I view her, as she is a woman I admire. She does so many good things through her blog and makes such enjoyable videos. I truly enjoy her poetry also.

Well, from the moment I posted the comment I wondered if I had overstepped my bounds. There was another young woman in the past who wrote the most beautiful poetry and is such a talented photographer. I couldn’t help but praise her work, as her words and images would literally touch me deeply in my heart.

Well, shortly after I expressed such things, she stopped writing and hasn’t posted since. It might not have to do with what I wrote to her but I couldn’t help but wonder, as I am very honest in my expressions and it might have overwhelmed her in some way.

This is something that I saw in the video of women with autism. One of them spoke of how many women with autism are often sexual assaulted because they are so honest, naively honest, and think that others are honest also, therefore they can be taken advantage of by others.

I have been burned and hurt so many times in this life because I too have been so honest and had others take advantage of me. In some ways, this is why, as I’ve gotten older, I’m more cynical and less trusting of others, even if their intent might be good.

Well, this morning I received a reply to my comment from this young woman saying that she was grateful to receive my comment depicting how I view her. I found it interesting how she said that she didn’t know how to reply to something so wonderful. Well, her reply was perfect. Far greater than my 1000 or so word comment, honestly expressing how I view her. She seems to have received the love that was the intent of my expression to her, completed the cycle of love, thus filling me with love.

You know, it’s so interesting to be able to go through seemingly difficult things yet not attaching myself to those things. Like being able to go through many feelings and emotions within a day, often changing within minutes of each other, and being able to experience them, not attach to them, causing them to define me.

Just as my autism isn’t what defines me. I’m still the same person I was before I realized this about myself. It’s part of me. It’s something I have seen as I begin to see myself as I truly am, without any illusion.

I’m not trying to escape reality through period romances. I’m simply enjoying what I truly enjoy. These are the movies I would have been watching throughout my life had I allowed myself to be who I truly am. I used to watch the violent and action packed movies that other men watch. As I look at those movies today, I can see that those movies are simply a more controlled expression of those grand exhibition in ancient Rome in the coliseums. Acts of intense violence depicted to satisfy the animal desires of the public.

For some reason, when a society becomes so wealthy and complacent in their wealth, they turn to more and more extreme entertainment to satisfy them. What used to be simply boxing has become extreme fighting. Movies constantly compete against themselves to push the “boundaries” of the extreme, constantly seeking that point before it offends the people, each time expanding the boundaries of the people as to what offends them.

They call this “progress” in some ways. Where they couldn’t cuss on TV before, now they do it regularly. Where they couldn’t show nudity in the past, now they do it regularly, always pushing and expanding the boundaries of the public to more and more extremes, mainly with violence and action.

I simply enjoy quiet, period romances. Just as with the music I currently listen to. It would have been the music I would have listened to throughout my life, had I not formed an illusionary self so as to feel “normal” in an abnormal society.

All that is happening to me now is that I’m simply seeing myself for the first time as I truly am, and I guess this can be a bit turbulent at first, standing naked for the first time, getting used to simply being me.